the garhmen.

what have eroded our creativity? gone are the days when it was infinite, together with the purple apple, the monster that is hiding under our bed and the machine that could do practically anything.

i was thinking the day that you appear. you came and taught us to stay, shake hand and fetch. someone else commented these are not going to work anymore. so you threw in the boogey dance. remember the put your right hand in, your right hand out and shake it all about. you were beaming with pride to showcase our newly attained "creativity". well, i hate to break this to you but its all really nothing new. nothing near the wondrous picture of creativity you paint.

return me my creativity. then again, it could have solely been my imagination, that only tiny strand of creativity i am holding on to. what could i have known anyway. my brain could only decipher this much, just a brat right?

its the same old, same old.

===================================
i don't get it. ppl are getting impatient waiting in line when all they really do is to stare at the tv screen every single day. contradictory.

it's been a long way

the stupid things we do will be great stories to come.
the memory. the company. the jokes. T.T
great song. nickelback rocks!

i will. am. have.

i have been pondering about who i am.
i can see that i am different.
and i should have known earlier.
being who i truly am
is lonely and disconcerting at times,
for it is a long path in solitary.
i never belong here.
and i don't see the need to be.

but still i don't get it.
why does it always have to be you should, you must and you have to.
instead of i want, i can and i believe.
why can't people just accept me as who i am.
i feel like collapsing through the constant battle
of expanding these rigid societal norms.
don't constrict me. don't attempt to change me.
cause this is never going to be right.

there won't be a he, she, them or you.
its going to be revolving around me.
for it is really about me.
i don't want to be caught in another identity crisis.
a wise man once said
if i be you, then who be me.
so now for who i am, i would be.
then again, who am i?

==================================
cold night. cat. wait. return. stay. don't go. please. always.
all i want for x'mas is a maxi dress!!

2 days of sheer joy

volunteer at CDAC over the weekend. i was lucky to get posted to the haircut section, where i get to play with kids instead of doing saikang like most of the ppl out there (:

DAY 1

kids

nowadays, kids are way different. i know its normal for this changing trend but it still is a bit shocking. the generation gap. must be getting on age. one even confessed that he always scold vulgarities due to influence. not cool ya. sec 1. i would say kids scolding profanities is a norm back in my old days but they don't take that much pride into making it a conversation topic right? so similar to one of my juniors.

one of them is so mature, his speech, the way he asked questions. i wonder how do kids these days grow up?

a hairstylist brought her son over. initially, he was so dormant, not like what a kid should be. i started playing with him and guess what, he transformed into a humanoid-version of tigger. bounces, hops, shrieks, squeals, scuffling of shoes, well, basically the traits of a boisterous kid. even played mini catching around the building till he ran into the rain. no good for the kid to be in the rain though i really love it. i don't want to be responsible for making him ill. oh yea, he really loves to sweep the floor. if only i have that bit in me.

hairdresser
addy, or whatever his name is, the hairstylist cum artist (from monsoon) who keeps appearing on mediacorp show, and his lackey were there too to meet the minister. just to put on a show. their smiles are so "post-it-note" style, those that you could tear off any minute without much hassle.
and there this really cute hairstylist. bonus. ^^ too bad he didn't come for the second day. i was actually looking forward.

DAY 2

kids
i talked to this mischievous boy. he called me a 三八, 八婆. lol. so bad! just because i was harmlessly trying to strike a conversation. though so, he was hilarious. a conversation between him and one of the volunteer.
friend: boy, do you have gf?
boy: choy. (normal reaction) i think you don't have bf also.
friend: why?
boy: cause your hair la. (she highlighted her hair blond) and you so ugly (thats exactly what he says) and you are so young.
and he is with this obedient girl, somebody more reserved. she is really cute. kids, they exude charm seamlessly. she waves to me when i am walking around the event.(haircut service is tucked into a nice corner) it is really a good feeling (:

another hairstylist brought her son over. the one from day 1 isn't here today. he displays a similar character trend as the other one though. quiet initially, playing with his psp. then became playful. kids, there always something in them that wish to play, to have fun. why can't we learn from them? why do we wear a veil or a mask to face this world in an attempt to hide our very own desire (even if its a good one)? whats so hard about having fun right?

he is playing with the paper aeroplane. he flies his aircraft from second floor and it actually lands on somebody head. :D he immediately squat (or run away) so as to stay hidden behind the wall. i was laughing so hard, i hope the lady did not take offense. after which, we went to walk to the mini bazaar, hoping to get some food. (it is really only him) when we reach there, i have to disappoint him by telling him that the food is only for those with the coupons. he doesn't give up, he go straight to the staff and tell the staff he would like to get some food (or something similar). i told the staff that he is actually the hairstylist son and bingo, the staff asked me to get some popcorn through the back. after which, the kid actually went to sheng shiong to get more food. really smart. what more can i say~ throughout the day, we played chopsticks, rhinoceros horn-hand game, pepsi cola, mini wrestling, AEIOU, scissors paper stone cum leg splitting game. besides entertaining the kids, i could proudly claim that i have lighten up the adults there. well, i was just having pure fun but it seems the ppl around are enjoying this whole scene. at the end of the day, the small boy shouted into the loud hailer (personally, i love the loud hailer, one of my instrument for fun too^^) and shocked most of the people (hairstylist and me) around him. i almost jumped out of my seat and a girl who is getting her haircut right in front of me sniggers. lol. to sum it all, everything that happens within the 2 days, it will be, great place. great ppl. great fun.

======================================
maybe i am not so important, maybe you did not get my point.
but i won't stop trying, i won't cease having fun.
you can laugh at me for doing stupid things,
i will laugh with you and i hope,
in the end, you will laugh together with me.

can twilight/new moon get even lamer?

just catch new moon. and it was thumbSSSSS down. i don't even get why so many girls go ga-ga over edward cullen (or maybe robert pattison to be exact), he looks like the chinese opera singer in the show. no offense to the chinese opera singers but it just doesn't work offstage. oh. wait. i think a chinese opera singer looks way better than he does. he just can't pull off the vampire look anymore.
their love story is nothing more than tragedy. i don't see why the story plot make sense. bella is like u leave me, i will die. i going to die for u. go emo. go without friends. do all the reckless (dumbass) thing just to see the illusion of u. edward thinks that its for your own good that i leave you. i want to protect u by leaving u. and if u die when i am away, i will die too. so why not just stay with her instead of this self-sacrificing shit. u think this is very noble. got to make up your mind on whether u want to be with her or leave her.
if edward want to leave her, just leave her for good. so that she can be with jacob. they are so much more better. no emo-ness and they have fun. not forgetting, jacob really hot. not like a piece of sparkling white crap. and bella shut up. you love jacob. why can't you choose, why does the decision maker have to be edward. are you really their pet?
the edwardXbella mini run in the forest in slow motion, looking like they have a very fun time, just look like a cheap imitation of bollywood. oh ya. and they think they can make edward cullen attractive by blowing wind on his face and rolling the film in slow motion. failed attempt. it turns out to be comedy.
cheesy storyline. dying for each other and ended up deciding to live forever with each other. i can't even come out with a worse situation. living with each other FOREVER literally! yea right. they should just die together la. just stop at new moon. why is bella so freaking obsessed with becoming a vampire. cloying love story. puke. u think this is some k drama ar. i didn't pay $10 for this nonsense. why would anybody fall for this plot. its not even consider a fantasy-love story. theres nothing to fantasize about. maybe just the werewolves. they are all so hunky! the only thing else worth watching besides the fighting scene and the comedy (in which u really have to have a low threshold of humour to appreciate it) other than that, its GARBAGE.

========================================
i rather read fairy tales a hundred times than to watch another twilight saga. enough is enough

the feeling of existence

The Longest Way 1.0 - one year walk/beard grow time lapse from Christoph Rehage on Vimeo.

if you believe i am throwing away my life like that.

(on the international level)
global warming is going to kill you
influenza is going to kill you
terrorism is going to kill you

(on land)
the robber is going to kill you
drink-driving is going to kill you
high-rise litter is going to kill you

(on lifestyle)
alcohol and nicotine are going to kill you
late-night out is going to kill you
even internet addiction is going to kill you

(on me)
and now, my dream is going to kill me.
well, whats new?
now is your move, make a smart guess on what i will die for.

==========================
"let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." - Mark Twain

if we are truly who we are

==============================
"A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for." - Grace Murray Hopper

a sincere dedication or not?

To my dearest yasmeen,

who has impacted me since we first met 7 years ago
(happily stuck with her for 7 years)
who teaches me more of the world than i have managed to understand in the past 19 years
(miss brainiac ^^,)
who puts me way above her needs, her sleep, something that she is so deprived of
(comparing myself to sleep now eh, haiz)
who makes an effort to meet up even if its on a short notice
(yea. thats a cool point!)

for all and all, i have something to tell u,
(hear me, hear me!!)
.our friendship is a hidden treasure unmarked on the map of this harsh world
(bury deep deep)
yet for me, its a beacon that steers me through the choppy sea of life
(but it always stand out. bury again.)
.the time spend together is a gem
(it comes out better under pressure. more pressure, more intricate.)
that never fail to sparkle even in the darkest dark
(ooh, i should get u some bling bling to signify our friendship)
.even if memory does fail, even if the date never stick long enough in my brain
(oops, birthday dates)
i will never forget u as my dependable friend (:

and here, i shall wish u a belated HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ^^,

from your genuine bootlicking friend ^^,

(i am in no way being threatened to write this post for my dearest friend. it is out of my freewill to show my deepest appreciation for this strong friendship.)


====================================

"and i find it kinda funny
i find it kinda sad
the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
i find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very mad world mad world"
-- Mad World, Gary Jules

sometimes, my school can really be "mind-blowing"

no wonder my head feels empty now.
MP log book is freaking lame. why do we have to do a SIP log book and ANOTHER MP log book when both are telling the same story? its such a bore. shouldn't a mp report suffice. gosh. as if anybody really going to read thru everything. all i can say is the school team (whoever made this marvelous decision to do all these logbooks and report) is really dedicated in their job. in a nutcase, i mean nutshell, i praise the school for developing such a wonderfully encompassing and delightful project scheme for us. it really further prepares us for life after graduation. thats finger (ooh. thumb can be consider a finger too right?) up for you.

you weren't born to follow

"we weren't born to follow
come on and get up off your knees
when life is a bitter pill to swallow
you gotta hold on to what you believe

believe that the sun will shine tomorrow
and that your saints and sinners bleed
we weren't born to follow
you gotta stand up for what you believe"
- We weren't born to follow, Bon Jovi
bought olympus FE-4000! but lost the masd-1 on the very first day. crap.

contentment

look at you. a sturdy shelter above your head, a comfy bed, sumptuous meal on the table, new clothes to wear, tv and internet to connect to the rest of the world just at the tip of your finger. yet, you whine, you complain, you are unsatisfied with what you own.

look at the world. if you do not get it yet, those things are considered luxuries, not basic necessities. bet you didn't know that you are one of the richest in this world population. yet you claim that you are poor. people are being deprived of these things you take as granted. you can't see how much you have, you need to learn to count your blessing.

look inside of you. you got to be taught on being contented. don't believe anybody if they say contentment is for underachiever. what do they know about being successful? what do they know about YOUR definition of success? don't let the notion of being rich and holding a high position equates to success get the best of you.

look at this law of achieving, the maslow's hierarchy of needs. you have to be feeling secure with the basic level before proceeding to the next. tell me, how many times do you hear, i will do xxx when i have enough money. exactly what is enough? there will not be enough without contentment. in the end, we will never reach self-actualization cause we are all obsessed with "safety" i.e. financial resources. no step will be taken to achieve our dreams. its going to be difficult to convince ourselves that what we have is sufficient but its possible, for the sake of living a dream.

look at your dream. it just take one belief to break the mould, to believe you have all it takes. u just have to take the first step and not look back. run, sprint towards your dream and embrace whatever that comes along, be it good, be it bad. for that, for all your courage, you will taste success.

===============================
"when you have come to the end of all the light you know and are willing to take one more step - either you will be given solid ground to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."
- Gordon Paul

its all about what you want

we are all vessels of boundless possibilities

"Nature didn't tell me: 'Don't be poor.' Nor indeed: 'Be rich.' But she does beg me: 'Be independent.'"
- Nicholas de Chamfort, Maxims (1795)

==================================
maybe someday, a cloudy day, in the field, with nth but a book, away from the hustle of city life.

thoughts on a lunch box

you make me feel like i am right,
but this time round it doesn't feel so alright to be correct.
i no longer the me back in those days.
well, it shouldn't have any impact at this point
but truth be told, its bothering me, its perplexing.
gosh. you use to have this kind of influence on me.
use to, doesn't seem appropriate here.
i just hope history doesn't repeat ):

===============================
if its you, maybe i stay

its possible to make a difference

"being realistic is the most commonly travel road to mediocrity. "
"don't ever let somebody tell you, you can't do something. you got a dream, you gotta protect it. people can't do something themselves, they want to tell you you can't do it. you want something, go get it, period. "

you are twisted, just like me.

i realize it doesn't affect me that much anymore. no more whimpering. maybe i have grown strong. perhaps i am selfish now. or it could simply be i don't care anymore. no longer wish to be caught in this childish brawl, i am so far away now, you guys have lost me. all these ludicrous exchange of words. i shouldn't be judging you but theres this urge, i guess you know. you display it so well, almost flawlessly.


you teach me to love then show me the hate. i complete now, ain't i?
i still love myself though. i not trashy. i just have a bit too much of you.
================================
should be working on mp. damn..

i am living behind this wall

the shattering sound of porcelain against the wall. the cracks on the wall that nobody bothers about. please let it stay this way. i plead for you to not stop, to not fill up the cracks. this way, i know you are alive and maybe, i hope, eventually, you will find me, through the cracks, waiting.

if you could just love ... ... again
=====================================
"Most people are as happy as they make up their mind to be" - Abraham Lincoln

when the wrong is right.

look at you, broken into a million pieces.
indefinite, impossible to contain,
like the myriad stars of a cloudless night,
each pieces of you, so stunning, so alluring.
just the way you have to be,
the perfect blemish.

========================
"All animals except man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it" - Samuel Butler
False Evidence Appearing Real

^^, :D =)

"london bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. london bridge is falling down..."

2 people called me by my secondary school nickname, sth that i have a great collection of but not very proud of =X still, those are wonderful memories (: indication that its time to contact my secondary friends!!

nutrients in a pill. education in an institute.

"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing." - Neil Gaiman

================================
how pathetic. but school is still fun =D

i use to be this puny but now, see how much ive grown, notice how ive changed. to u, i no longer comprehensible. must be hard on u to not be able to read me like a book anymore. too bad for u cause now i learn not to speak. u never listen anyway, not till its too late.

cause its hate. cause its love.

the blue monster escaped its steel cage in the closet to create confusion. confused by the slightest glimpse to the other truth, confused by the fact they see but could not grasp. but is there really a definite truth? isn't the so-called truth only what we perceive, what we believe, what we hold on to? the truth that i live by, the drop of fragility, the reason for inbalance. you fail to see through any of it. of course, i am not suprise. we have our own burden put high above, so high its beyond the reach of others. not that it doesn't matter but once again, i have held this blue monster captive. for the moment.

hide no more

today, they talked about university admission. i guess its everybody top priority now to secure a place in their desirable university. well, almost everybody. my graduation plans? i don't know. i lied. there are lots of negative feedback and disparaging comments already. enough is enough.

it doesn't really matter what they think of me anymore. it doesn't matter now, not even what you think of me. these few years, i have been hiding, hiding from all things that i should have taken responsibility. for the sake of you, i try to put everything behind. when i can't, i run away and hide, never to confront the problem.

i know you hated the things that i loved and did since i was a kid. we are different in every ways, don't you see? i can't get you luxurious car or fanciful home, at least thats what i foresee. the american dream is your ideal lifestyle, its not mine. i couldn't carry it with me anymore. i wish to do the things that i genuinely want. rest assured that i know what i am doing. i am not a kiddo anymore, no longer the child who has to be hushed everytime she fell.

if i do fall now, i will stand on my feet and continue onwards. i wish i have known these earlier. its a waste that you have never taught me this. all i remember is you reprimanding me to not do the "stupid" stuffs again. have i not been who i am today, i could have been a hermit or a coward, for thats who you have taught me to be.

though so, i still love you, love you not for what you do but for who you are. believe me, i really do.

in a swimsuit

venue: downtown east chalet

time: 1900

date: 22 Oct 09

mission: find a way into the room for the hot bath.

dangers to avoid:
- involuntary shivering
- trembling lips
- numb fingers
- freezing of facial features
- acute hunger

equipment:
- goggles (eye)
- swimsuit (body)
- slippers (feet)
- stitch towel cum sarong (accessory 1)

hint:
- stay calm
- call operator for extra keys using dedicated phone in chalet
- if fail or steps given by operator are impractical, lend a phone from stranger
- using the phone, call the person you know as key holder for help
- if all else fail and/or you encounter the dangers as mentioned above, PANIC!! SCREAM!! switch to HYSTERICAL mode!!

lesson learnt: never never never ever go swimming without clothes, towel, soap and shampoo. at least u can change to normal clothes and not suffer from the freezing weather and sticking out like a sore thumb. best is to bring handphone or the key along!!

secret to staying young

"Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
LOVE this quote. we should always keep playing and stay young. abandon the notion of playing is non-instrumental to successs. being happy is the most successful thing to get from life. so lets bring out all the lollipops and stick our HAPPY asses to the chair in front of the computer and watch lilo and stitch!! whoo~

the string that attach you and me

we run away, over and over. we seldom look back but when we do, we find all those barriers surrounding us. we pause, we stare, yes it still those huge daunting walls, we shake our heads and continue running away. we never make an effort to push down those walls for fear of exposing the person standing right opposite. our fear of those awkward moments, the lack of recognition and those apparent changes. if only we try, we might realise we are still so much in love with the person who we distant ourselves from.

Current Addictions

State of Shock - Heart That Bleeds


Lilo and Stitch Series!!



Elton John - Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

bye bye sling! hello broken bone~

during check up
doctor: ok. as you can see, your bone has not yet joined back. do you still feel any pain?
me: erm. so you mean it hasn't been healing? no. there is no more pain.
doctor: you can see from the previous x-ray it is not connected but today, you can see a slight connection. however your bone is quite firm.
me: so i have to live with a broken bone??
doctor: you have to come back next month for furthur monitoring. for your case, since the bone is not affecting your movement, i will advise you against the operation. as you know, we will be putting in metal plate and screws to straighten your collar bone. however this operation does not have a 100% success rate. the bone might not join back and over a long period of time, the screws might come loose and the bones might still shift out of place. the only guarantee is that you will have a long scar on your right collar bone and you will be able to feel the metal in your body.
(metal plates and screws. iron man? gulp. if that is the case, will i set off the alarm everytime i go through airport security? and i have to explain i come in peace?!)
me: ok. if that is so, can i start doing exercise? like swimming? and basketball?
doctor: yes, actually i will recommend that. so that you can see if your arm is causing you any inconvenience. please start light.
(at this point, i think the doctor is trying to say, " yes, go ahead. so that you can better decide if you want an operation anot cause i think your bones are not going to join back anymore. well you just have to learn to live with it.")
father: so can she still go for aikido training?
doctor: yes, she can do that. she can't break her collar bone anymore since its already broken.
(horrified~ this could be translated to: there is a very small chance now of her bone joining back since it has already been 1 and a half month and we see only slight improvement to her condition)

==================================
doctor seems to be high or inappropriately cheerful that day.
anyway lets hope miracle do happen.

i miss you, you and you

it has been a week since they left but still, i miss them. how could it be, when we spend only 2 weeks together. 3 years, 3 classes. however each experience is unique and it never fails to amaze me. the rapport we established, the jokes we cracked, the tears we shed, the memories we shared. how nostalgic.

i miss them.

hentai mama and papa - thanks for all the dances and entertainment even though we are suppose to be the hosts

and their kodomo.

ichiban - very decent guy. he is hilarious when he quarrel with hentai mama. nice chap too!
yosuke - always get tricked by us! and those exaggerated response. its cool to know him
atamae bakemono (not sure of the spelling) - minasan prince charming, mr elegant until you see him eat. lol.
chao bai chi - their most active kodomo. hyperactive!! shake head vigorously. m m m m.
alien - too bad i only really talk to him on the first day. he thinks i am scary. haiz.
every year classic bakahiro - thanks so much for bullying me at the train station. i have to take a train ride alone all the way from tanah merah to queenstown just because he doesnt let me in! of cos i get back at him by doing a "disappearing trick" on his bag and not to mention those little stupid things that we do. hitting each other head, shaking coke. what the hell~ ijimeko, ijimedareko!

and my dearest grp 4!!
monkey, chicken little, gucci, papa aka ice kachang, ichiban, sleeping king, and my no buddy- shingaporu-jin. will you remember to come back to your home? a-ne.

======================================
cherish your friends, relish every moment together. even if one day they have to leave physically, they will always be part of you. somehow we are partly who they made us to be. one day we might lose what we have worked so hard for but at least we have gained this much once and we be grateful. so don't be afraid of going after something for the fear of losing it. we never know till we try.
i am happy to know you guys, the people i met, even though i never say it.

the year to come

when it is not enough
when u miss them much
when u want more
when u are left with this one last shot
when u dont even care that it gonna end in the same way

====================
march - kumamoto!!

when our fate intertwined

memories and pictures
laughters and tears
confusion and emptiness
arrival and departure
them and us
we.

if u want nth more out of life

not the reason why i am always feeling hungry..lol

this is what i am made of

the world isn't flat. theres so many paths that one can take. off the beaten road or those streaming with cubiclelised zombie and of course there are still ppl out there who are passionate about their job.

[zombie: a mindless 9-to-5er. they set off from their "cave" early and leave the "battlefield" late. they have almost zero exposure to sunlight. they are only forced to step into the sunlight in order to move to their feeding ground when their need for the routine lunch arises. in order to minimise the damage inflicted by the sunlight and to find the best feeding spot, they bolted, scurried and raced with fellow zombies. (sgporeans are one with the fastest walking rate. congrats! we want first for most of the stuffs right? we are always hurrying off to everywhere but ending up in nowhere ultimately) and yes, like any other breed of zombies, they are the most active at night, "finishing off" somebody or getting themselves "finished". they find almost no thrill in life but succumb to their pathetic state]

so why limit ourselves to others restrictive mindset? u want to bind and strap me to those so-called lucrative achievements that i would nv be contented with? not so possible. its ok to be selfish and different for the sake of my dreams. if not tell me how do we come up with aircraft and electricity? its cause they ignore all those ridicules from those skeptics. its cause they know what they are after. its cause those ppl pursue their dreams relentlessly.

so why do we not dream? so why do we let others define whats good or not for us when we are the one truly aware of the answer? so why not start now?

journey

she supposed this is how it all ended, alone. no farewell, no well wishes, no hugs and no tearful faces on the platform. might just as well be the better ending to all of it. at least theres no lover to whisper a message that could only be everlasting in memory, no family member to promise to return to and no friend to exaggerate the sorrow of departure.

Settling down to the vacant window seat, she gazed at the serene village that rest at the foot of the mountain. from where she is sitting, she could see men carrying their tools, heading out to work, and women annoucing the start of the day through a whole list of chores. she could almost hear the whistling of the well-built man. the frivolous giggling of the young girls replayed in her mind. it was as if she had extended her stay in the village, like she never had left. or perhaps, she was never part of it, thats why, nothing changed and everything went on just like she was never there.

no, she reprimanded herself, shes not going to lose herself in the the village once more. instinctly, she tightened her grip around her battered suitcase and sunk deeper into the stiff seat whereby the worn leather was causing irritation to her exposed skin. it must have made her look paranoid and strung-up but at least the sense of touch pulled her mind back to where she was physically.

for what seemed to be eternity, the train finally chugged off from the station. the villagers continued with their routine lifestyle, she struggled to get past it. however when the train departed, she had moved on. now, she savoured the playful wind, the distant smell of an ocean and the transition of landscape. from that moment, she could see her life unfolding and her dreams taking shape gradually. though they are still vague but its no longer a total unknown. and this time, she promised herself that she sticks around long enough to see how things will pan out cause this moment is when it all truly begins.

hint

i want a haircut and a world map!!!
(:

newborn

i feeling so much better now!! frankly speaking, even i myself was amazed by how fast i climbed out of that pit of darkness. it happened so swiftly to the point that its kind of scary. guess its a gift, much like an ability, to move on without prolonged hesistation and despondency. from being inert just a few days ago (perhaps it started back from a few months in stages) to super reactive with explosive energy!! sadly, i still stuck at home because ppl keep telling me to stay at home! argh..i have to get a breather outside or i might end up talking to the wall! now thats absolutely creepy! lol. guess i scary no matter what huh..haha

now its down to serious stuffs..

have to take a very long timeoff from aikido. haiz.
initially thought of quitting due to the influence of family but heck!! even if they use a super strong water hose on the flame, it will stop, ultimately i will dry up and ignite the flame back..but right now i drenched and with a moist right armpit literally!! lol (ok i know its gross)

in life, unexpected things just keep popping up. some resent it but still theres no point of avoiding it. even a safe driver could get into accident if some ku ku ppl decided to do something stupid. think about it, do u really want to play it safe everytime?
u call this life?:
study, achieve academically, get a degree/master blah blah, find a good paying job though u may not enjoy it, store up lots of cash for retirement, get a family, start to worry if your kids play safe outside, retire at 62, and then hopefully start to relish every moment of life or be one to play chinese chess everyday. in the meanwhile praying that no accident or death fell upon u before u retire at 62. not to forget its essential to remain hopeful that yr children will support u after yr retirement. oh how hard is that right? with the advances of technology, people could now wire money. right, so right.
my point is live life like theres nothing to fall back on, live it the way u going to love it, live it so that u wont have to take 3 months to finish your last words (talking about regrets n wishlist)

in the end it will feel so much better to say, i am proud that i have done ___ even though i have to stop due to ___ instead of i wish i have tried ___ but i got no time.

once u onto sth, detailed plans on paper are good for wiping the backside when u run out of toilet papers. things will pan out and not according to those details!

rise from the flames

u ve been with me for a while n i have sth for u,

dont stare at me with those depressed eyes
dont spook me late at night with those silent whispers
dont get me all worked up and worn down with those recurring thoughts
dont feed on my guilt and then erode my conscience

yet i know u n i are one
we cuddled up in those restless night
and theres no escaping from u
who i see every morning through my very own reflection

u, mood swing, u can reside in my body but i will find a way to subdue u..

====================
painkillers are nonsense, they just make u numb. the pain never goes away cause it is the price to pay.

feed me with your dreams, i promise to be attentive(:

fractured soul

part of me just died
i hope i can heal like how the bone will be reconstructed
though it will never be as strong as it used to be and it might even turn out ugly

===================
i wish those tears were the from a lake instead of a river

UPDATE!!
just got a 1 wk mc. if u all care, this is the time to shower me with care, concern n love.lol

stomach going to be a drug heaven/: calcium tablets, sth to ease the swell, and sth to protect the gastric.

mask

why does a smile hurts so much?
since when have i lost the ability to laugh like a kid?
i always thought its easy to laugh innocently, straight from the heart

the naked truth is redundant now
its enough to learn that everybody is expendable and replaceable
therefore our purpose of existence is vague

so tell me why i should live life the way u want me to but that i dread

====================================
if you are the only sane in this crazy world, you would be the lunatic
so what are u if u are the only dreamer among those dreamless sleepers?

bookshelf

decided to blog about something boring that is....
my bookshelf is looking more like a bookshelf!!
though the presence of my soft toy stitch-es (i think theres around 10 of them)(all merchandise at least 30?) still make it look like a cupboard for toy exhibit.
today emerged victorious from the nlb expo book sale!! whoo whoo. 6 books that are seriously underpriced!! $2 each.
ok. and i am lazy to continue bloggin.. Zzz.

the tale that inspires

shed the excessive
dare to be different
know the goal
rise no matter how bad the fall is
exceed the limitations
and success will follow

===============================================
once saw a phrase that goes something like this "woman are the stronger sex for man supposedly being the "stronger" sex has a weakness and/or soft spot for woman"

one day

what if one day...
i lost faith in my dreams
i abandon all my aspirations
physical beauty becomes of utmost importance
i change to be a hard core materialistic girl
i am obsessed with being thin like a stick man
i am so much superficial and so much lesser of me
i am complacent with what comes along and resign to fate

what have i grow into?
what will i be?
no answers, no promises,
but at least i know the above will digust even me myself

===============================================
some use danger as a reason to pull out, no point in exposing our vulnerability
other see danger as an opportunity to test one ability, contemplating if they will succeed in overcoming or bypassing it
there no right or wrong in both perceptions, but i am a believer of the latter. simply cause of the sense of triumph that makes me feel damn good about myself..

fear

"Fear is only in our minds,
Taking over all the time.
Fear is only in our minds
but it's taking over all the time"
- Sweet sacrifice, Evanescene

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."
- Mark Twain

people have different fear threshold. but how to change it? how to limit fear to its minimal? how to alter a person perspective to ones benefit? how to do it right?

humour, wisdom, persuasion. tested negative. seriously lacking that ): somebody pls implant those to me!!
wouldnt it be better and easier if everything could be kicked off with a bit of emo-ish, wallowing in self empathy, disregard for the future. shouldnt that suppose to worry ppl who cares, but their blatant display of indifference and apathy make me feel like shit. what? it doesnt matter anymore that i not satisfied with my current state. it doesnt matter if i cant achieve my dreams. it doesnt matter as long as i stay safe under your wing. it doesnt matter cause u wont be reading this.

i so distorted inside that i dont even recgonise myself anymore. i so frightened of my thoughts. i am being made a prisoner of them, to contain because of the physical inhibition u administer on me. but guess what, now i in a fight or die mode (ok.. too extreme. maybe just spiritual death). pull the last breath out of my nothingness or aid me towards my greatness.

"You can’t hold me down..
...
Nobody’s gonna stand in my way
Give it up, I’m doin’ this my way
Nobody’s gonna stand in my way
Give it up, I’m doin’ this my way
Out of my way"
- Out of my way, Seether

knowing

ARE YOU AFRAID OF KNOWING WHAT YOU CAN ACHIEVE?

道

道(chi:dao jap:do)
definition: way
more appropriately interpreted as:
1) the way of breathing spirit into form ("newborn")
2) the way of guiding spirit out of form (afterlife)

this 道 has been in my mind for the whole of today, i have to write it down, record it somewhere and decipher it furthur. it has intrigued me today when i read up on one article about it. and furthur reinforced by the encounter on sunday when i went to this house temple. let just say the sunday experience was antagonizing and counter-productive with pushy preachers. the dao that they seek is revolving around guiding spirit out of the body correctly upon death.

the dao that i am more interested is the way of giving life to a form. i was wondering what is the point of attaining enlightenment in the afterlife when we, contradicting humans, stress upon where to go on a usual, normal sunday, not to mention even for a meal. yes, i am fascinated by how religion could be a mental support for so many people. and its even more stimulating how when some people say, "i know god must have something else in place for me".(just a small percentage of time though) so it means every moment in our life is predestined, and we, being the vulnerable, have no power and strength to defy it? yet so many great people in history have proved that, we, human beings, are strong-willed and possessed all ability to be in control of our life, to be the master of our fate. and what worth is belief, if we just leave everything to their natural flow? we should be acting with the force of nature, not let nature execute its act. can u imagine the world now if everybody only adopted faith in some external power and not take a leap of faith on their very own abilities? shouldnt we grow and learn from our mistake instead of succumbing to our failure?

maybe i did not know the teachings of the religion accurately and/or well enough to make these comments and i definitely hope that religious people would not take any offence. i have a religion too, in name not by faith, determined by birth not by choice. i dont really believe in their existence, just not yet. maybe someday i will embrace them, even to the extent of offering my soul(ok thats sound unorthodox, perhaps just my choice of lifestyle), but just not now.

haha.. i think i have digressed but my stand is, what is the point of learning to guide the spirit upon death when life itself is just a form with the spirit locked up. (ok, so this might only applies to me, since i think i the only one who feel that i just living life for the sake of living it) so our spirirt could only be truly unleashed when death looms? all this while, i felt my life has just been taking form of what people perceive as the "way". to study, to perform academically, to grow up, to get a good job, to have immense fortune, and to retire. cannot deny there are fun times but other than that i just felt trap, felt like there is something out there that i should seek, felt like i should break free, and it definitely felt like i have the choice of spreading my wings. or should i just continue on this well-paved route that so many people have travelled effortless (relatively) and few have fell? there is no hidden traps, no dangers lurking in some corner. but the alternative path, which might have been strewn with all kind of mysterious/evil/dangerous power, deserves it attention too.

am i to work then enjoy? or am i qualified to enjoy work life?
am i to follow? or am i the one to pursue?
am i to run on the ground? or am i the chosen one to fly?
am i to wait for my prince and live "happily ever after"? or am i prepared to set off for the quest of my life?
am i to submit a neat white sheet of report on my life? or am i branded as the creative one to produce multiple colourful sheets?
am i to settle down with expectations of others? or am i capable to fufil my dreams?

the choice is clear but the path is obscure
the goal is set but resistance will be strong
though so, i will thrive
even if it means to explore a path unknown
even if everyone else think its absurb
even if i am the only one consent to it
this life of mine needs some revolution
and it wont go hand in hand with the tradition
someday i will free that spirit
and u shall see

my hair issue.

on mc today..

anyway time to address my hair issue. seems like i been repeating this encounter for countless time.

on one fateful wed, i decided to cut my hair short. very short. cause i so sick of having to tie up my long hair. this way it kind of defeat the purpose of having long hair anyway. if you want to know exactly what kind of hairstyle i wanted, go google asymetrical short hair. (initially wanted to post pictures but feeling very lazy now)

so i went around looking for a decent hair salon. after walking one whole rd at the neighbourhood, i found a suitable salon. it seems to be a popular choice cause i waited quite a while. when i first settled into a comfy position, my heart was beating crazily! that must be a bad omen. got to learn to trust my instinct better.

after a while, the hairdresser swayed over, with his scissors that glinted threateningly. an authoritative aura builded up and surrounded us, it was tell-tale sign that all resistance would be futile and protest would not be tolerated and yet i failed to pick it up.

when i showed the hairstylist the picture, he studied the picture for a while and dispute that this hairstyle will not be suitable for me. it will pull down my jawline and make my face looked rectangular. so he began grabbing my hair (seems like he is having a great time playing with it) and proclaim in this "eureka!" mode that, "yes this is the hair style for u, bob will look so gorgeous on u!"

so now i ended up in this "bob-by" look. despite trying to persuade him to cut my hair/fringe shorter for multiple times (est 5 times), my desire to cut short hair still failed to reach him. he would always pick up my hair, ponder for a while, and say this is the best length for u. any shorter it would be close to hideous or wierd. so now i stuck with this neither long nor short hair and fringe :..< thanks to the stubborn hairdresser who is obsessed with dominating the world with bob (i think)

but still going to keep this hair for 1 month and see how it goes from there.

Macritchie misadventure

alright. i at it again, i went trekking! but this time its more massive, more baffling and so much more ridiculous!!

just an introduction to the trail, i suppose to walk along the terantang trail. upon spotting 3 rocks, i am to divert to the forested "hidden" trail. though the existence was very obvious. and blah blah blah till i find the shinto shrine (shall skip this part cause i never made it there :X)

Part 1: meeting at bishan mrt station
initially i thought i suppose to meet one of my friend. as usual, i was late, and he did not contact me. i thought it was strange since he was usu punctual. so i decided to recheck the msg. to my horror, i had deciphered his msg wrongly. it turns out that he will not be able to make it!! the msg he send was pretty ambiguous and i was too slpy at that time to processed it properly. just to quote an example, he wrote," for now, i now going" when it suppose to be "i not going". so his typo and my mildly dysfunctional brain (at tt point of time) has resulted in my misconception. oh well, i decided to continue heading to the place anyway since i already there. cant be making a wasted trip right? and from what i gather from the net, it seems to be a breeze to find the shinto shrine. BIG mistake. thats was a sign to my misadventure. too bad i didnt pick it up. my adventurous spirit was roaring so loud that all my other senses failed me.

Part 2: starting point at venus drive
i have to admit thats the smoothest part of my journey. finding the start point. so i walk and walk. after a while (like say 5-10 mins.lol), i thought it was pretty boring to follow the trail. nothing could be seen except for trees bushes and people. when i spotted a well-trodden path alongside, i follow my guts walked in. (the compass and map kind of indicated i suppose to walk that way too) and this decision was rewarding! just take a look at the pics. u cant see this along the whole of terantang trail.







the trail kind of stop short around this area. but i dont know what get into me. i was like heck. just walk straight la. and i came to a place with lots of trees~ a relative easy path as the trees kind of far apart (believe me when i say easy was actually an understatment.) and i saw a bird that almost one arm length up close! u wont get to experience that from walking the usual human created trail too.

Part 3: lost!!!
still at the location where i saw the bird. my sight dropped and focused on a group of coconut husk (looks like that to me) that actually took the form of a human shape! i imagined that somebody was actually mummified using coconut husks *erm* and might jump at me as soon as i turn my back upon it. freakish! (ok.. maybe i too paranoid but what do you expect, alone, lost and surrounded by forest even though its bright daylight) i actually turned back when i walked pass it to make sure nothing moved. ok. i know its dumb. after ensuring that i wont be devour in the bright day light by some ancient coconut husk *erm*erm* another problem surfaced. not far from where i stood, there is actually live firing (or maybe blanks) going on. the sound of rifle shot (or whatever firearm they are using) but its not regular. just a few maybe not even 5 shots. so i continue walking where i thought i suppose to walk. (i forgot at which point i actually turn back towards the direction of the terantang trail) and i thought i was saved!! i found a trail. and lots of hearts on the floor!










Part 4: saved?!
so i followed the trail obediently. and though theres still sound of gun shot i figured they wont reach the trail. it suppose to let ppl walk not for some ns training. i turned down slope in a circular direction. i thought i walking in circles since i saw no body else. and a terrible thought surfaced, this might be a round trail that leads to no way! but my faith in the nature reserve trail designer (or watever u call them) stood strong. theres no reason for a circular, abandoned trail that nobody else could find cept for those crazy enough to cross the forest. i saw this tunnel!! relieve, relieve.





from the other end, i could see that there was this guy, crazy hair style and all. due to the badly lited tunnel, i could vaguely see that this seemingly crazy guy is half naked and holding a weapon in one of his hand!! might be a mad killer on the run *squeak* (alright illusion again, then again i have nv doubted my imagination) it turns out that the "weapon" was actually a rod that he used to rub against his head, maybe to stimulate hairgrowth. phew.

Part 5: the gentleman and the damn
at long last, i saw one trustworhty looking guy who was my saviour! i asked him for directions to treetop walk. i had decided to find my destination from there. i followed the directions and i saw signs, signs that i back on the path, "HSBC treetop walk". after a long walk, uphill, downslope, on the road, i spot the 3 rocks!! yes! i finally made it!!





i thought so, but not quite. catastrophe had just fallen.

Part 6: lost again?! BIG TIME
the challenge just started. i trail along the trek. it was easy at first cause many people had previously set on this path. but somehow, i couldnt find the rest of the path. i just stood, and decided to follow my trusty map and compass. head south. forest walk, lots of "unfriendly" thorny plants and trees that grew too "intimately". walk walk walk. forest forest, trees trees, lizards lizards, scratches scratches, entangle entangle, bong bong. BONG BONG?! as u probably had guessed, i near some firing range again. damn, just exactly how much of the forest is being used as firing ground? i walk slightly deviated from "south" away from the gun sound. and i thought i imagined some alarm going off when i walked along that road. but i just conveniently ignored it. i remembered something that sounded like helicopter. am i supposed to hear that? oh well, i just continued not-so-south southwards. and finally i reached a point when a piercing, high pitched alarm sounded. its so irritating, so loud, so much of a warning that it is impossible to ignored. alright this is indication that i had to called it a day and returned with nothing. well, not exactly, i obtained lots of cuts yet again. trekking back wasnt an easy feat either! i couldnt see where i had came from. so i had to start another new route, meaning more scratches. it was tiring and my shirt soaking. (i discovered that the sprain on my left feet has not fully healed yet) finally i saw the "obvious" trek and 3 person!! turned out they have been looking for the shinto shrine too and had just returned from it, and they came out unscathed! walked tgt on the way out, asked a few qns, they are very friendly. got to know they are from this singapore trekkers (google) group. might join them someday. though they are from some trekkers group, they were still quite appalled by the fact i tried to tackle the trek alone! great achievement wing! lol.

i thought working suppose to tone someone down, not unleash and amplify all the "uniqueness" (some of you might plainly refer it to as abnormalities.lol)


sidenote (updates on my normal life)
i have learnt from this and will drag my ns friend along the next time(: yea. u know who i referring to.
wanted #902 for causing bruises on top of the many scratches on my hand. not forgetting u just spoiled my bag used to contain my aikido stuff.
seems like i a natural magnet for criticism (somebody say shit upon seeing my new hairstyle.lol) if this goes on, i might be able to write a book titled, "10,000 innovative ways to ridicule someone" and small letters "and on-going" or "anecdotes on [suaning wing a day keep the blues away]"
will update on my hair issue soon: my not-an-everybody-can-encounter experience with the hairstylist :X
i look like emo who into self-hurt with my new hairstyle, bruises and cuts.

=======================================
randomness strike!! (ok i know the rhyming words are not in order and its not even a decent piece. but i dont care, as long as it gets the msg across its consider done)

i shut my heart
with a sturdy lock
made of adamant
pieces of me so strong it won't broke

the key to the lock
which i threw so far
couldnt be seeked
but it will appear cause it has so

yet the finder who as always
i thought to be perfect
threw the key miles away
as an indication of defeat

and now i've learned
to accept the perfection
of my incompletness
arising from the solitariness

wing unveiled

People closest to my heart think that I am ridiculous or are dashing my dreams

I thought I could turn to my friends for support, encouragement and positive feedback but that hasn’t been the case. On my receiving end, its always, “are u sure u want to do that, you gonna lose one limb doing that, or worse lose your brain”, “that’s insane/crazy, you should be locked up”, “stop touring mars, u shld get back and down to earth” (alright they are my own interpretation of their words. Nobody would want to say that straight in my face. Well u can try. lol) no, no. never was there a positive comment or not even a constructive feedback. (fyi. I get my mental support from online articles. Pretty pathetic I would say)

But sorry guys, if I can’t be stopped so easily, that’s just not me. At least that’s not who I want to be. So the next time when I speak of my dreams, before u vomit out all your negative/non-essential feedbacks. I suggest u think twice n u better off swallowing it all in and let it rots in your stomach/gut. I don’t mind people correcting me. However don’t speak the obvious. I am not brainless, I can think for myself. I am not reckless, I just pursuing my dream. When everybody is speaking of the same basic comment, its not going to probe deep enough into my brain to make a significant, lasting effect. Instead I see it as a challenge, a chance to pick up a fight. (a verbal one that is)

who is to determine whats safe and whats not other than oneself? Is leading a sane life going to guarantee u from not falling off the edge? Is living on the edge going to draw your last breath instantly?

U can live yr life in this human rat race all u want. Don’t expect me to follow suit. I am not in the mainstream. And I am proud of that. If it is wrong to do things that u love/ have a burning, undying passion for (provided it does not harm oneself and everything else), then living in itself is a sin.

People try so hard to earn so much and yet they forget why they earn. They forget the reason why they fight so hard.

Since young we are taught sky is blue but why doesn’t anybody teach us that the sky is boundless? Cause we know it from the very start, its in our guts, it flows in our blood. And yet, when we grow, our sky is diminished. Constricted by our very own weak mental power, we shut out everything that we could not grapple with.

And here, I shall humbly ask, “will u help me to attain my dream?”

instant friendship

“hey” a word so commonly used, yet still possessed the power to start the conversation
“so why are u online now?” a question so daft that would be ridiculed by most
and yet they are handy in bridging the connection between us

warily, gingerly, i took the first step on this perilous journey
that seems fraught with difficulties
unstable, like a child who just learned to walk,
always falling, falling into the inevitable drought of speech

by then, i thought i learned that i was just a memory of yesteryear
i wonder how long it would take for me to be part of the background in the photographs,
only a goofy face flashing a silly, indulgent smile,
just a stranger in the oh-so-familiar place

but i was wrong, and for once i felt relieved for my misjudgment
the subject that falls so naturally into both of our vocabulary is none other than “pig”
i guessed that is what u get when 2 stupid minds collide
it actually triggered off a chain of teasing and conversation topics

i don’t know what exactly captivates or entices me to start that conversation
the conversation was lacking in substance and depth
and yet it might be this simplicity that i sought after
or it might be simply just me, not wishing to let go of the past, memories of those 2 weeks

2 weeks, seems so short
2 weeks, could barely know anybody
yet within 2 weeks, we behaved like old pals
and yes, those 2 weeks, are one of the few best memories that i could vividly recollect

might be the fact that we were parting soon that resulted in this “friendship boom”
might be the fact that we knew we only had 2 weeks so we treasured each other
might be the fact that we simply wished to get the best out of the time spend together

i want to experience this again, the exponential growth of frienship
but this time, no time limit, no rigid pre-planned itinerary, no curfew,
JUST ME AND THE WORLD

============================
i think i am pretty bo liao to start a post on a msn conversation. lol. life getting boring for me.

Rejuvenating ME(:

finally after 5 long days of cubicle-lisation, its weekend once more!! oh yes, weekend, praise the ingenious person who came up with the 5 day work week. spend the saturday going to places that havent catch my attention till now. they are: armenian church, st andrew cathedral, kampong glam (and the cemetery nearby), former supreme court, fort canning park. i shall let the pictures do the talking though its taken through a bad camera, and an even lousier cameraman (have to admit i not artistically inclined :X)

anyway, going to recce macritchie reservoir on 25 jul, sat, in the morning. want to find the abandoned shinto shrine that lies deep in the forest. (alright maybe not that deep) interested pls drop me a msg. fyi, my definition of recce is exploring the place for the first time and might not be able to stick to the pre-planned route due to human error therefore could end up in some insane place(: (but dont worry, singapore doesnt really have any insane place to speak of in the first place) afterall, whats the fun of living if everything goes according to plan resulting in flat, excessively smooth life without suprises? not forgetting to credit suprises as the optimum opportunity to improve one critical thinking, reaction, stability and ability to stay calm!

============================

these photos look so much better when they are small.

choo choo trail pics

the pics did not really do any justice to the bridge. wasnt really able to capture the beauty of the bridge and definitely not the "spirit" of the trek(: and obviously none of us is good at taking photos :X


THE BRIDGE!!!


the PROUD recce team!!
i thought they are the ones who wont kill me for this trek no matter what happen (cause of the experience from the previous trek when we walked the wrong direction, i thought i have learned from it and made a good decision by forming the recce team) apparently i am wrong. am i the only one in my social circle thats crazy enough to fall in love with trekking?? somebody tell me i not crazy pls!! though i know i have always been THE unique one. lol


my shoe~ wasnt at it worst. the worst was after the muddy tunnel whereby i looked like i have just planted my whole shoe into elephant dung.


the tired me. although didnt look like it~ but seriously, i look like i just climb out of the dustbin. (for the last leg of the trek, we have to run in the rain to the bus stop. imagine mud+rain+perspiration. u wont even know exactly which is the worst)

anyway, would be more than grateful if anybody wants to give this trek a go. i dont mind showing the way many many many times!!

Life like that!

today is the day that i...
fell, slipped and landed on my butt
was poked, slashed and caked with mud
almost slid downhill

and now sitting at home, i am covered in multiple superficial cuts and extremely exhausted

but today is also the day that i...
recovered from my falls
stood strong against the perils of nature
got in sync with my peaceful side

and yes! all these mean i have made it!!
i have conquered the choo choo track trail that has challenged me last week!!
i have found the abandoned railway track.
by trekking along it, we have reached the abandoned railway bridge.
not forgetting that we have to first go through this mud filled tunnel (it seems more like a hundred elephants have just been shitting in this tunnel. minus the smell that is)

after which, we went to catch a movie, even though i look like i just climbed out from the dustbin :X

===============================================
will upload photos soon!! next stop: KRANJI/LIM CHU KANG (:

getting back to life.

the great plan has to be executed therefore wont be uploading blog for a very long time
the great plan is very time consuming so lets just hope everything could go accordingly
the great plan requires a huge influx of resources into the bank account so if anybody reading this post has any lobang pls intro(:
the great plan shall not be spoken of any more till it reaches the final stage

and for now have to get back to life and grab more $$

fool

u thought u done all you could though u are nothing but a speck of dust that causes irritation to the eye
u were once so proud of your nonsense but they know better
praises seem to be the same old alienated sound cause they are never rightfully yours
pride is nothing more than your sharpest weapon for those self-inflicted wounds
u no longer able to hold your head up high as now u are done
not even close to being wasted for u are of no value

now that u tasted defeat, u are no longer coherent

your speech only exposed yourself as illogical and ignorant

your words are slurred and dissolved into substances that signify weakness
u look so frightened, u are pathetic
just like a domestic animal waiting to be slaughtered

=========================
yes, u, puah hui ying, u are such a fool

trivials

these few days. saw some SLIGHTLY interesting stuffs -

. a small kid aged around 4-5 bang into the HUGE PROMINENT wall while playing psp (thats why kids shouldnt play with psp. they wont even know if they got kidnapped)

. a feminine boy with a tote bag sashaying with vigourous butt swaying and hand flicking (wonder how he will grow up to be)

. played basketball and actually found a 笑点 (thanks to 笑点 that was one of the most fun basketball match ever had)

. left hair line seems to be retreating thus change to parting at the right side (know it wont be very obvious cause only one person notices)

. saw an ang moh that actually resembles DAVID COOK!! not as handsome but still charming and drop dead gorgeous (cant help staring at him)

. thursday will be going back to school for mp briefing/talk (whole day off. whee!)

so currently leading a mundane life. want to learn alot of stuffs!

ALIVE!!!

the blaze of the sun
the welcoming breeze
the smell of freshly cut grass
the unexpected harmony of vehicles buzzing and birds chirpping

how comforting it is to still be able to walk on earth
being able to take child-like stride
to abandon the burden of life momentarily
to indulge in the idleness and simplicity

now i learn
after being indoors and isolated from the environment for a very very long period
that every minute things, things that were taken for granted
could actually be the source of ecstasy!

i took a step back from the hectic life
to feel, to listen and to observe
its simply so great just to be alive!

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still in love and in touch with the part of me that is simple and laid back (:
t-shirt, shorts and slippers!!

mechanise

day.work.lethargy.monotony.drone.drowning.sympathetic
day.break.anticipation.compose.laze.rejoice.simplicity
night.after-work.pals.grateful.alcohol.ease.liberation.darkness

day.work.lethargy.monotony.drone.drowning.sympathetic
day.break.anticipation.compose.laze.rejoice.simplicity
night.after-work.pals.grateful.alcohol.ease.liberation.darkness

day.work.lethargy.monotony.drone.drowning.sympathetic
day.break.anticipation.compose.laze.rejoice.simplicity
night.after-work.pals.grateful.alcohol.ease.liberation.darkness

incessantly repeating motion..

==============================
Helo ...I i i a aa ma ma ma machinnnneeee

that moonless night

that moonless night
when the stars dont have to shun the moonlit
when the stars have shine so bright
when the stars have made known their existence which have ceased in the galaxy aeon ago

that moonless night
when it doesnt seem to be there
when its presence was still felt through the surging tides
when all was heard was the withering of the sea and the retreating of the waves

that moonless night
when i use to miss the absence of it
when i no longer yearn for the moon that hangs beyond reach
when i finally realise everything shouldnt be like this


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cause you are as beautiful as the moon

Susan Boyle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnmbJzH93NU
very touching voice.
humble, down-to-earth and genuine person.
amazing, suprising and inspiring.
thats Susan Boyle, the biggest hit in town.

she is the new definition for beauty. beautiful person with a beautiful voice. of course, its all from within. one look at her, people thought she is just oh-well-just-another-plain-jane but i promise you she so much more than that. those who fail to see are the people with an abnormally high level of superficiality(cause i not going to be like those i-so-sacred people to proclaimed that looks doesnt matter. people tend to be superficial to some extent, whether you like it or not). those are the people who could only associate beauty with a hot body and bewitching, cute or dazzling (you name it) face.

even somebody with an intelligence of 5 years old could tell that those wont last. people change, character, mentality, figure, looks, in which figure and looks usually won't outlive the other two. unless we talking about comestic surgery, botox, other outrageous chemicals some woman deem fit to be applied on the face and not to forget, those unorthodox methods to stay skinny and young "forever". dont they ever realise how miserable and pathetic they are.

yes, i get pissed off easily whenever i touched on this topic. people who know my past should understand why. well, people just have to be given a big smack in the head to wake them up. some have to look into the mirror before they pass judgement on others facial features. for those who fall into the gorgeous hunks and babes category, congrats, cause looks is still undeniably a vital asset. however, that doesnt give you the right to ridicule others of their natural look. if its the presentation, the dress sense or the foolishness in the face that you are laughing at, its totally acceptable. but laughing at something that couldnt be change, at least not without making radical decision or having to wake up at some unearthly hour, is a sin.

whoever have the power to determine if you are going to be pretty or handsome doesnt grant you the advantage to bully the less privilege. how could one bring himself/herself to destroy the fragment of pride the inferiors hold on to so dearly. do they know how much it hurts. guess they dont. human are able to be differentiated from beast cause they protect and help those who are weaker. those beastly acts of taunting and nasty name-calling, should not be condone.

enough of me. recently becoming such a nag. just look around you, who are the ones that are helpful, kind and friendly without having a hidden agenda?

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i don't care if they think i am uncouth or "un-girlish". i am truly who i am regardless of what they think. why do people have to be restricted by social norms. norms are not law to be adhere to, i am not going to let it dictate my life. i refuse!

dark

i did something wrong today again...

attempted to coax someone into stepping a land filled with conspicuous mines but it was done hastily. she is not yet blindfolded by the thing call trust. nobody has ever been so willing to step on those mines as it would only reveals the mess that all try so hard to conceal.

since young, people detest any sight of repulsiveness, and is even more reluctant to be deem as one of the hideous. the uglies know it all and wish they weren't the imperfect imperfect. the beauties sympathise but never being able to emphathise. in the end, people could only spin a cocoon to protect themselves. however, beneath the layers of thread still rest the hideous.

man believed that shadows lurk at night. indeed, many monsters known to man worshipped the night. its darkness possesses the power to proliferate the inhumanity and awaken the unsightly. those in the cocoon have been living in obscurity all these while, and will find themselves being engulf by the darkness some day.

this is a contest to see whose light could burn the longest in its surrounding. will i give in to the dark, or will i sparkle. i have no idea. all i know is one more false move and i will be the one to be surrounded by mines, the one to be disintegrate. no cocoon could save me...

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speak with cautious..

confuse

the hatred, the contempt and the lack of rational thinking.

when people let emotions get hold of them, their actions become illogical and irresponsible. they would not weigh the consequences of their actions. they think they could get away with it, or maybe not, but they just felt an urge to take revenge. each time, these foolish actions would only transpire into regrets. still, theres no getting rid of these emotions. a vengeful soul can reside even in the most frail and innocent looking shell.

but, why would one go through so much hassle just to seduce the devil? more often than not, the devil, with his provocative smile and mellow voice, will whisper and prompt one to have a taste of the "sweet" revenge.

but in the end, she will only find herself in the wrong side of the law...

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why do people see the need to complicate things?

真...

那天说了几句客气话。虽然心里没什么感激，不过还是说了声谢谢。我这也不过只是按常理的做法。这世界本来就没有人能把好与坏的界线分得清楚。

人，多多少少都会有虚伪的时刻。只是久而久之，虚伪就成了真实。
人，有时需要刻意隐藏自己，不敢，也不能，曝露自己。
人，有时会扮清高，不过其实与被自己排挤的人没什么两样。

真实和虚幻的搏斗只会换来两败俱伤。因此，人已学会了让它们交叉和缠绕在日常生活。

所以，为了达到目的时，不惜一切，放弃那颗真心，有什么错呢?

so, please...

am i still who i am? do i still have what it takes?

why do i feel so trapped inside an hourglass, where all i could do is to watch the trickling sand burys me, slowly taking away my life? yet, i remain hopeful each day, waiting for somebody to turn the hourglass, saving me from the agony.

but, how long will the wait be? waiting has never been mine forte. i need to prove something to myself, promptly. though so, feeling self-content was barely sufficient, i need acknowledgement.

i do not wish to be over reliant but i am not ready to be independent. so, please guide me.
if you see me falter, do not reprimand me, for i will fall deeper. so, please correct me.
if you see that i am accomplished, do not praise me, for i will be overwhelmed by pride. so, please just encourage me.

maybe, i will wander very far off track if i were not being rein in. so, please do not wait till i on the verge of the valley of regrets. by then, it will be too late for salvation. i do not wish to be covered with countless wounds before you notice me.

finally, i will learn to be more disciplined but its exhaustive. so, please be patient with me, for i am silly and disheartening at times.

===============================================
thanks for listening to my lament(:

pauper and the prince

she was a pauper, who led a frugal live. however, she never let this fact get her cause her passion kept her going. she told herself that a painter is what she must be. you should see how her eyes sparkled each time she received some paper and charcoal. it was as if some spell was casted on her, relieving her of the stark reality. to her, no achievement is greater than being able to capture the moments in life and the beauty on, what was originally, a bare piece of paper. those hands of her seemed to be stolen from a magician, creating wonders by putting down strokes, sometimes heavily, sometimes lazily but always brilliantly, on the canvas.

then something happened to the pauper. something so absurd, that it could only have happened in fantasies. the crown prince of a faraway land, japilano, fell in love with her, or so the prince would say. but the pauper knew, the prince was just charmed by that talent of her, momentarily. the pauper presumed that in japilano, a land so distant that she had never heard before, no girl could draw like her. she was confident cause even the advisor that accompanied the prince was captivated by her drawing.

she never allowed herself to fall in love with the prince. she was certain that the prince would return to his land and his people will expect him to marry somebody capable and of equal status. by then, where will the forgotten pauper be able to go with a broken heart, in a foreign land? theres no way that she will be able to stand in between the prince and his fiancee. the prince will be a ruler of millions but never the conqueror of the pauper's heart.

indeed he left without the pauper, just as she foresee. however, she was never forgotten. years later, the prince invited her over to his palace to do a portrait. she was told by the messenger, that the prince was going to be enthroned as the king. it was the advisor, who suggested to paint this historical moment. if she still had any faith in herself, it had all vanished at that very moment. it was palpable now that the prince was in love with her talent, all along.

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我对你所作的一切，我没有后悔过。虽然，那是一个很伤人的举动，不过那是经过许久考量，不让你我造成更大遗憾的决择。至少，我是这么认为。或许这仅仅是让我自己比较好受的的借口吧。

during internship

Started to blog again...guess i need some form of media to express myself during internship...the previous blog that i created was when i was working full time at mango...maybe this blog will only be kept alive for these 6 months...