first place on my map

in another 24 hours, i will be in the airport. 6 more hours to that, i will reach Philippines. add a day or so, i be enjoying the island, deep down under the sea, 18m and in the dark. thrilling. creatures of the dark and 18 m under. how many people could proudly claim that? ok. probably a lot. it will be the start of my journey. my true journey. since graduation, i always dream of being a freelancer, breaking the 9-5. not being a monkey in a cubicle prisoner. nimble limbs being shackled, with just 90 cm² moving space. Earth, Terra, total surface area of 510,072,000 km². The land surface area, even at a small percentage of 29.2%, makes up 148,940,000 km². 148,940,000 km² vs 90cm². isn't it obvious what i will choose? when you confined yourself in a smaller area, you don't get yourself moving. if instead you were given even 10 km², i believe you would just go wild.

13th to 18th. not exactly a long break just a short getaway. give myself time to rethink about my path. now, i am presented with this opportunity. To take it, i probably have to give up on my full 6 months travel in NZ. i'm still going even if it just a month. i'm still going to set up an earning blog. i'm still moving towards my dreams.  i'm not giving up, just being spontaneous. thats the beauty of one way ticket. you don't give yourself deadlines, you don't give yourself any restrictions, you don't have to be stunned by changes. no, i am not over-glorifying things. i am looking into my account and shaking my head. however in the next few months, i am going to fill it in with perseverance and passion. two things at a time. call me greedy, call me insane but i will prove it to you guys that it works.

till then, i would just take this break to rethink about my journey. enjoy life and perhaps fall in love screaming, "Maganda Puerto Galera! Mahal kita"

a better organisation

i guess it is time that priorities shift.

i couldn't exchange more of my time for money anymore. i couldn't foresee myself down the road this way in the next few years. i have never been able to strive on uniformity. i could not survive under the hierarchy of organization. that much i know. to me, its just not ethical that the top dogs are earning all the money and paying the workers peanuts. its just like the scenario of those big companies setting up a base in the third world countries. its selfish, organisation like this. thats how everybody get trap in the poverty cycle, nobody could ever generate enough income to be self sustainable.

now that situation permits me to have a glimpse to a money spinning way, i have taken the leap. i have no idea if i will continue falling or be given solid ground to step on. perhaps, better still, i will be given wings. sometimes in life, we have to make a decision like this, to outperform ourselves. i have faith in myself that i will be able to achieve prosperity.

imagine having the financial power to do whatever you like. to achieve control. to reach retirement by the age of 30. i am still young, i got to fight it out. this is not just a greenhorn speaking out loud about life and its pipe dreams. its about youth, vigor and energy painting out a glamorous future. i hope this much determination could bring me to a greater height and making my parents proud. its possible.

2011. are you going to make it different from 2010?

A new year. a great start. new dreams. continuation of plans. 2011 spells a great year of opportunity for me. changes have occurred and i called that growth. i'm on a trajectory, whereby hopefully i would end on the intended place. even if i don't. it would be a good life experience.

=========================================

just before the year end, the interviewee looked at my results and offhandedly claimed, you are a brilliant young girl, aren't you. i sneered. merits, they termed it.

i am by no mean brilliant, and no amount of grades could testify against it. no i am not ridiculing the education system. i always believe if you find your way to study and work hard at it, you bound to get good results. of course there are geniuses in this world who is just born with more gray matter. but if you belong to the same group as me, the average person with average number of gray matter. imagine this, each day you wake up and study, sleep. wake up and study. sleep. don't tell me all the information is not going to get inside your head. it will go inside. trust me. and viola. you will get good results the next semester. the only variable is probably your talent. but talent without hard-work is not going further than hard-work without talent. i believe talent only shorten the time duration needed. all and all, it still take around 10,000 (or is it 100,000?) hours to master something.

it is wrong for our society to place people in forms of grade. however that is the easiest measurable way to do it. people are always looking for short cuts. you could be in some scholarship list yet commit adultery or child porn as long as you are smart enough to keep it under wraps. people are born to be different, they still don't realise how grave it is to categorise people using this one system. we are not a string that could be measured just by stretching ourselves against a ruler.

some of us are born to be artists, some athletics, some dancers, some models, some designers, some psychics and others to so many more than my imagination could cook up.  but education has to put us into a box claiming, "oh, this is to be a scientist, a businessman, an accountant, or worse, a lowly-wage worker." nobody wants that. to be jeered at for their life choice. even if you are going to make a breakthrough, you are bound to pass by this stage of ostracizing and being scorned at. there used to be this period of time whereby scientist that name animals and giving them a personality is being termed as moron (or some what likely). but see how the mentality shifted? from basic instinct, non-thinking moving organism to feeling and thinking animals that have a heart and even more developed senses (the sixth sense) than human. and some even believe that animals are more connected to the world. i am a supporter of this belief.

visualize this, the optimum world with a balanced and holistic education in opposition to our suppressed, grades revolving, limited view education. which one do you prefer? its a long way to the former but i believe things will take a better turn.

i don't want any more labels. i want people to see me as a special entity and respect my decision like how i do with others. the right and wrong of one (as long as it doesn't hurt another person physically) could only be judged by themselves.

today is the day i will say goodbye

today is not a good day to talk because

today i cried the whole day;
today i walked in the rain and  you will think that it is insensible;
today i haven't think of how to start the topic;
today not everybody will be there to listen;
today you wouldn't be in the mood to hear me out.

today will not be a good day, maybe tomorrow i will be better prepared.
the tomorrow that i am ready for the worst will never come.
everyday will be a today, thats all i know

and i want you to know, if not today, then when?

the impish cat

so thats what it is all about.
an act of love in exchange for a bite and a scratch.
but you didn't leave it deep despite your frustration.
i know how it is, to live
in a cage. bored stiffed.
only with companions and nothing much
to do. nibbling and chewing.
fabrics, paper, and gunny sack.
whichever is to your preference.

perhaps that is all for the departure and the neglect.
all the confusion and decision.
maybe you don't know though i believed animals
know beforehand and are intellectual. spiritual even.
the books i read, they show nothing less.
i still love you. i really do.
i crave to bring you home and lie snugly beside.
you will be a great friend, a lap cat.
nothing more that i could wish for.

but i can't. this goodbye will take a little while.
but never a while enough.

its a lifetime of choices

life. time. most of them said i'm wasting it. wasting it by working at the zoo for more than half a year. wasting it by not settling down with a "decent" job. wasting it like i have been those apathetic kids getting high on pot.

do they truly know what it means when it comes to wasting life? i tell you what i know by wasting life. you are wasting life by getting stuck in doing things that you utterly hate and see no delight or passion in the outcome. you are wasting life by being a couch potato, stuck to those tv advertisement that assure you that you could get a perfect body down popping some pills and continue slouching in you couch. wasting it means you swear by your resolution each year and continue being stuck to the endless loops of incessant drama that goes by the hollywood formula. wasting life means knowing that you are stuck and doing nothing about it.

no. i don't want to be that big-fat-fugly-bottom heavy-hideous-caffeine driven-sleep deprived-long expired life monstrosity on a top chair. it just doesn't justify to trade my life for thirty years of slogging. i don't know about you but i'm sure my life don't come cheap. 9 months of development. 20 years of growth. and still counting. surely you can't delude me to think that its alright to down value and down play my life once i reach 20 because that is how the society dictates.

you just gonna make it sounds like i am some irresponsible brat that doesn't spare a thought to others, having no notion the things that i am advocating whatsoever. no denial, you guys all do, i can hear it through the condescending tone in your voice. you can pretend to be high and noble around me all you want, like i'm the delinquent here waiting for life judgment. yes, i make mistakes throughout my whole life, i break a bone, break a heart, got myself into pieces. admit it, who doesn't have issues with the choices they made or affairs of life? we are of a heart beating in a soulful capsule. we can't deny our multi-faceted personality. being one this day, acting the other for another situation. for survival its necessary.

you can mark me down for all you want, if it makes you feel better when i am gone. if you don't celebrate my cause, then why should i bother my life with you? many times, i think it is better to let things go then to maintain a relationship turns sour. it tires both parties.

i'm sorry but this time i am really going. there is nothing that would stop me now. i don't need a permission slip and i am not looking for your approval. even though i will be elated to have your blessings and best wishes, everything will still go on fine without it. i will pack my self and leave my burden here. no i will throw my burden away and unpacked my life somewhere. this is just me and who i choose to be, i can only be me, myself. i can't live as an imaginary me that you have expected. people do change, you guys just have to accept and embrace it.

life.time. i gonna have the time of my life.
===========================
all i want for x'mas is a dslr!

painting the last shred of zoo with you in mind

nudging close, nosing through
below my armpit.
lying almost on my lap,
resting so blissfully.
you make me cave in my resolve.
it isn't like you do this
for everyone,
being fiercely
feminist,
you always get your way.

staring at whatever that moves,
horses, ferrets, squirrels, rats.
we couldn't move you, not an inch.
but the way you lean on me,
i know you ain't half as wild
like what they said you to be..

black and white,
border collie with
soft brown eyes.

you want somebody to love
you,
yet you never show.
just like the way i act.
craving
for things that wouldn't last.

perhaps the last, second last or third.
months left to count.
you are the one i care the most
next to the gray and white
kitty cat
call gnome.

shades of black, white and gray.
if its only simple as this way.
colour palettes now i faced,
never seen until today.
how could i choose?
when the two options are
to let love quit
or let me rot.

the road-map on my hand
wrinkle deeply in.
months of travails i been through.
couldn't see things so clearly.
long marks of canine bites
by fellows tinier than my feet.

oh, yes, this is a long journey,
or so it seems,
colours i didn't know exist.
i still couldn't say
i want to stay.
for days i've been wanting
to set me free.
goodbye, i guess, just
won't leave.

to catch the passing wind of my love

between rigid lines i stood. 

steer me close or leave 

me be. 

i couldn't trace 

my steps 

anymore. not the little girl
that squeals 

upon 

approval. i've grown past that. 

a sad fact, yes i know,
in barely a year, i couldn't
walk this path 

anymore. 

new exposure, 

i demand,
new experience, give it 

to me or i will snatch.

we used to be
such a great team, 

the heydays, when

everybody 

is so happy.

the days 

when i proudly claim 

i came 

for the passion. yet now, 

i am just plain 

calculative. 'the pay 

is not high, how could i
survive? with bills 

not paid and tickets to my dream 

not purchased, 

how could i 

afford to stay 

with this meager pay.

my goodness, i claim 

in realization. 

people are leaving 

slowly but surely, 

to follow their dreams,

and to carve

a better love. 

with choices in abundance, 

this is not living 

in wild abandonment.

its not just 

going through the motions,

its about liberation

from the steel bars 

of my mind. 

through the waves of protest,

or yelps of exultation, i will 

subsist, in those days 

to come.

message from rugrats

this used to be one of my favourite cartoon shows. what seems like frivolous humour then is making so much sense now. they are the one who, by their own imagination, build their empire from the simplest tools available, defend their forts with whatever at hand, form alliance with innocent promises of friendships. the adults can't understand their wisdom and thought they are just fooling around. but i say, if i have to give up this obligatory play in life, i would rather not grow up. let me just be in neverland cause for me, this is the best way to lead your life. i choose to lead and not follow. too many people put in blind faith to our external circumstances and ended up in self-deprecation.

cause this is really about an underlying message for me to wake up. if we look back, nobody cares if you are just blabbering nonsense, nobody cares if you don't know anything in the world, nobody cares if you owe nothing else than the diapers. yet, everybody loves you like how the world deserves to be loved.

morhping

when i mapped through the past few experiences, i realise i grew a lot during this short time span. and i am grateful for this family. always will love them! i spend my time wisely, feeling this pulse, this heartbeat. and i know this is what i live for.

thoughts of a 20

if i could change one thing, i say we all conduct our lives like this: dance to the rhythm of the rain, sing the song of the birds, cry when we feel like it, laugh as we should, smile at a stranger, hug someone you love, mend a broken soul, whatever, do whatever that bring joy to us every single day. live without inhibitions for all the goodness is ours to cultivate and earth is really a paradise we've all been seeking since mankind. we could catch the shooting star, hug the cloud and fly with the wind.

believe this is all possible cause we are all special and living in a magical world.

.

show gratitude to your enemy cause they made forgiving possible
show gratitude to your critic cause they made improvement possible
show gratitude to those skeptic cause they made achieving more worth it
show gratitude to every offensive person in your life unless they inflict intentional intensive injuries or carry out acts of violence on you.

.

I guess they feel so comfortable being a regular 9 to 5-er. How regular is life when you work all your ass out for something you don't love. Probably as long as the annual vacation your office pan out. Maybe you will find spark during this window of opportunity but most, i dare say, remain in their dream state in this pretense of our world. Our world has been misinterpreted by people using vices to seek out gain from others. Consumerism is what it meant to be successful. Even till now it has been ingrained into so many city dwellers. Trading your life for a LV bag and wallet. How classy. The hierarchy of the nature sprang forth as social status in our world. Maybe we all try too hard to put definition into the works of nature. But I say, we ain't getting it through this way. It has been so for generations whereby the influence is uniform. Not till now, I see an open door of light for us. We can choose to awake from our illusion. We can start a revolution for our generation. Well, its not exactly a revolution but more of a return, a search for who we really are within. For this journey, I'm glad to have my extended family with me cause we are all but regular.

.

on its last page, mount kinabalu, sabah, malaysia

.

our job is to advocate love, something education never covers.

witness

i realise we all made a huge mistake. we try to brand or label our experiences as good and bad; so much so that, it seems plausible to be judgmental of the lives of others. this is not the way i wanted it to be. i wanted others to accept who i am and what i do instead of being a couch-guru. in contrary, after much reflection, i admit i'm actually trying so much to "guide" others. and forgive me, cause it seems so desirable and second to nature. my belief might be a whole different concept of living however, essentially its still all just the same difference. how could i be so insensitive to want to structure the lives of others; its our choice, our passion, our lives. its our individuality that makes this world a unique whole. suppose say, everyone is to do the same thing, i couldn't imagine that. who would know best but deep inside us? our higher self know what we are cut out to be but so many people just tune out of their spiritual talk and tune in to society radio. thats why we stay stagnant, giving ourselves ample reasons to live life like that. thats why we need self-help books when we are on the process of awakening. thats why some people make an informed decision to break free and embark on a spiritual journey.

thats why i'm telling you that you are right whatever you do as long as you are following your own exclusive, real path and not what the society dictates. (i'm presuming that everyone is born compassionate)

do not upon others that not want others to do upon you.

the ugly rear of truth

the truth finally hits me. and it not just simply dawn on me, it hits me with the brunt of reality. its shattering to realise that i am still so vulnerable to my environment though i've been shutting off. the fact is i have drifted away, an ocean apart while others are forming new bond; i am cutting pieces of me and leaving them behind - the trade-off for heading towards the alternative. it hurts and its not easy. well, i could have chosen the easy way out but if thats the case, then whats the point.

even if i am faltering and picturing myself as being delusional, delirious and deceitful.
even if for the past few months, the passion has been smothered into numbness.
even if today i felt diminished, a point of nowhere, neither here nor there, caught in between.
even if i'm not moving forward and is reluctant to slide backwards.
i will not bow in this face-off with myself.

yes, things have to change. i am getting too comfortable with my status quo that it is no longer serves my life purpose. just like chess, the game will never progress if i don't make a move. i gonna stay stagnant no more. reminders, reminders - shall not avoid, shall face what it hurts.


you say you'll come but its all just a liar's game.

we lie cause the truth is always being spat at.

we are all running in different directions

they are all out there and not coming back. this has always been the way. but this time round, i gonna chase after them, regardless whatsoever. it will be my last sprint and there wouldn't be any faltering. not anymore.

The test of time

So many words left unspoken,
So many actions left undone.
This thing call time
Is a cruelty
To those who deny it.

Today we might stand young and strong,
In the face of this fork in the road.
Another chapter of our life,
The beginning that lays a curious soul.
Though so, all hope that time will not turn it into a weary man.

May you choose well.
May you find joy in every endeavors.
Remember there are choices
For the path to be sought
And the dream to be pursued.

For this goodbye is different.
It marks the end, but
Hope shall be that it is never farewell.
If this separation is an acre of heartbreak,
Then the memories will bring me a whole plot of joy.

Beyond the horizon,
My name that symbolizes.
Stay I will not,
But remember I shall,
The friends of my life.

We are not alone.
The road, if you could see,
Has been filled with friendly faces
And will continue to be so.
We just got to remember.

Remember the smile that
Brings the friend out of a stranger.
Remember the mirth.
Remember me, my friend,
For I will continue to do so.

But now its time,
The countdown has began.
Fate might chance upon us again.
Path might cross, distance away from this land.
Till then, its goodbye, goodbye my friend.

wing.

journey

she supposed this is how it all ended, alone. no farewell, no well wishes, no hugs and no tearful faces on the platform. might just as well be the better ending to all of it. at least theres no lover to whisper a message that could only be everlasting in memory, no family member to promise to return to and no friend to exaggerate the sorrow of departure.

Settling down to the vacant window seat, she gazed at the serene village that rest at the foot of the mountain. from where she is sitting, she could see men carrying their tools, heading out to work, and women annoucing the start of the day through a whole list of chores. she could almost hear the whistling of the well-built man. the frivolous giggling of the young girls replayed in her mind. it was as if she had extended her stay in the village, like she never had left. or perhaps, she was never part of it, thats why, nothing changed and everything went on just like she was never there.

no, she reprimanded herself, shes not going to lose herself in the the village once more. instinctly, she tightened her grip around her battered suitcase and sunk deeper into the stiff seat whereby the worn leather was causing irritation to her exposed skin. it must have made her look paranoid and strung-up but at least the sense of touch pulled her mind back to where she was physically.

for what seemed to be eternity, the train finally chugged off from the station. the villagers continued with their routine lifestyle, she struggled to get past it. however when the train departed, she had moved on. now, she savoured the playful wind, the distant smell of an ocean and the transition of landscape. from that moment, she could see her life unfolding and her dreams taking shape gradually. though they are still vague but its no longer a total unknown. and this time, she promised herself that she sticks around long enough to see how things will pan out cause this moment is when it all truly begins.

getting back to life.

the great plan has to be executed therefore wont be uploading blog for a very long time
the great plan is very time consuming so lets just hope everything could go accordingly
the great plan requires a huge influx of resources into the bank account so if anybody reading this post has any lobang pls intro(:
the great plan shall not be spoken of any more till it reaches the final stage

and for now have to get back to life and grab more $$