i can't fight the moonlight alone

emptiness floods through the wall, causing a huge hole and a wound so deep.
every wounds expose lie solemnly like those of a grave, waiting to be covered with the earth.
yet refusing to vanish entirely with an indication of a stone that protrudes out of the once empty field, reminding people of its existence. its all real, nothing being made up here.
on the stone is the inscription that could only be decoded by me and that meant little to everybody else.
now here in loneliness i stand, contemplating my own emptiness, announcing that this time is dead but memories will live on, pass down from one to another or till i bring it with me six feet under.

why does it always have to end this way?
are you sure you will be coming back? cause i can't trust anybody on that now.
if only you really do ...

===========================
japan, you are almost in for the whole of my march entries. guess i really can't get you out of my head. then the choice left is to go. no more excuses!

new attention seeker

new kitten in the vicinity. white and ginger with 2 small black patches at the nape and back. adult ginger cat is not pleased with this new neighbour. staring intensely at every minute movement of the kitten and striking the kitten when the kitten gets too close. cats do have their days too.

cute beyond words

mummy, can i keep them at home pleassssse?

prove me wrong. cause i need you to.

i use to think that numbers don't matter but now i see i am just naive. in fact its whats that matter most. how could it be, when i will still be there even if there is only gonna be one. i thought we grew up and its quality that we pursuing but thats not the case. the value of the meeting could only be calibrated through the number of turn ups. is that so? guess our bond did indeed stand so weak.

its falling apart.

now, tear through the lies that i living in. dispel the illusion that we are close just like before. how ludicrous, cause i just realise we have never been. and all those memories, are you insinuating that some things are best kept like it is in ones mind? all our separate lives. the differences that have trickled through all these years forcing us apart, further and further till all we see are speckles across the horizon. is it really going to be so?

its falling apart.

count your blessings

every day, new faces turned out at the obituaries
every moment, there are people suffering heartbreak.
every mishap, somebody going to lose something.

so how could what ive been through be compared to those?
i am in no position to wallow in self-pity.
the world out there, theres people suffering worse, way worse.

and i am glad, for me,
grieve seems to work in singularity.
in contrary, my joy always come in package :D

======================
broken bone is healing well. just have to wait for 3-4 months before the micro fibers?? (if i didn't hear wrongly) become as firm as a bone (:

irrational

love the people who are always there but don't forget those that could never be.
cause the days you aren't here, i going to think of you but i won't be missing you that much.
though so, i still hope we could meet and i couldn't hope more.
then again, there are times we fight and other we let go.
this doesn't make sense anymore.

it doesn't have to.

============================
can't figure out.
ok. this will truly be the last post dedicated to japan /:

the last goodbye

even if sorry meant a thousand apologies, what use does it serve?
then again, who is there to blame when we couldn't even pinpoint the exact fault.
clinging on to the fact that it is irreparable isn't much of a comfort.
and the broken dreams of many, maybe there is a purpose.
not to avoid, not to dwell, not to be devastated.
perhaps all is naught but a blessing in disguise.
i won't know cause i won't be there, not anymore.

=========================
3 posts on the supposedly japan trip, i should stop here. will look forward from now on.

first thing to do then: cut hair!!

the confession

you think it would all go away after some time but it doesn't. the ghost of you, its always lingering in my mind and its haunting me right now. bet you didn't know what you have done, lifting me to such a vulnerable position. now, its just too late. nothing is going to happen but the reruns just won't stop. theres no meaning to it and i feel so ridiculous. not that i want to but you got me now.

and you aren't even here anymore.

me and my delusions.

===========================
trip canceled. oh well, so much for hope.
maybe i still stand by my point but it would mean a whole lot different than it have been..

the last minute changes

please let it not be a series of disappointment. i really want to go, its my last chance.

==============================
processing is damn slow. deposit is being made during study week but we are only informed that theres not enough vacancies this week. theres at least a full 4 weeks for everything to be settled. disappointed. all those redundant policies and procedures. didn't they know they have to book air tickets way in advance for such a big group of 44. yet they took so long to make a decision. what a wise move. cross my fingers and pray hard for this one last hope.

oh, what a stupid thing to do

the buckles snap tight around my calves. through the grills, one could see that it is not going to rain, not today. i have to leave the comfort of the cooling indoor air and battle the sweltering heat. yet there is anticipation as i lock my gaze at the furthest end of the road that the window would permit me to see. i push myself away from the sofa, feeling at least two inches taller. gliding towards the door - on the way, i pick up the bottle that would be so essential in building up my defence in this battle with the heat - i fumble through the set of keys to find the exact one that fit into the keyhole. stepping out, the uninviting heat pervades my body as i felt the drastic change of temperature of the environment.

we persevere on through the heat, feeling the perspiration on our forehead and back. the element of thrill is overpowering the need for shelter. soon, we reach a straight slope, in which i believe i could conquer it. (slope is actually easy, there's just certain risks involved) cautiously, i roll myself off the safe edge and down the slope. i started to pick up speed. increasingly, the only thing i could control was the direction. there is no way i could control the speed. just like a rolling snowball, i just kept going, faster and faster. greater and greater i become.

it is at least 4/5 down the slope and all is smooth (as i said, going downslope is actually easy) till i spot 2 construction workers standing at the mouth of the small road?/carpark?. instinctively, i know i have to stop immediately, before i reach the place and some monster truck turn in or come out from the road and squash me flat. split second decision, there is no luxury of time to be speculating about how my body will be minced under the truck. i couldn't have slow to a safe speed before i reach the road as i am going too fast. i could have fell face flat on the ground and knocked my teeth out if i try.

however i manage, equipped with my critical thinking and observant skills - within a snap of finger - to stop my roll down the slope. flat down on the floor i become. i have use the gravitational force of the fence, that stood ridiculously unaffected over me, to stop my roll, just like how a snow ball disintegrate when they collide into a tree. using the softness of the banner to absorb some of the shock. the residue impact of the collision has sent me flying off and rolling on the floor. the bottle of water flew from my hand and synchronize its roll on the grass with me on the concrete surface. the duet. thanks to my speedy reaction, now i have got a cluster of bruise (around 7) on my left thigh, bleeding right knee and scraped right elbow.

so what they say is true. 厉害就好，不要假厉害。