angel wings, caressing my eyes.
swimming in the sky.
could one land ahead and save
me from my dilemma.
december sun,
away from the november rain.
what curse it is
the parching land
the sun heat up,
and angel wings clump,
or did they fly off
to their fairyland?
now hanging above,
an ominous grey
threatening
to plunge
my unpleasant mood to
a deeper low.
Showing posts with label forlorn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forlorn. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
thunderstorm on the landscape of my heart
suffer through the thunder. the lightning strikes through. all you ask me to see but all i can see is naught. the downpour clouds even the strongest sight. lightning splits and thunder clashes, it reflects the turmoil in one's heart. stuck at the place of a bare shelter, with hope zooming past to outrun the storm. this is probably a cleansing to devote myself. if you may, pray for those on the roads to escape the perils. the lightning collides and the thunder rummages. through the many hearts that require this strong washdown.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
downtime
dear me,
Remember those days? those days when we could stay charged up the whole day. those were the days of invincibility. when we could do whatever we wanted. i can't get it anymore. my once ago passion has been sapping me dry now i don't feel whole anymore. all i wanted was for march to come quickly again.
dear me, i've been called defiant and unfilial too one time too much. does your dream cause you so much? i don't know about your judgment but i still think it is worth it. next year is the year of harvest and too those of the insult. let me take a break so that i could continue holding me up. i couldn't afford anyone putting me together. i don't want part of my heart to be so far away from me anymore.
dear me, how could i loathe and love myself so much. what paradox. fetch me from faraway.
rgds,
crestfallen me
Remember those days? those days when we could stay charged up the whole day. those were the days of invincibility. when we could do whatever we wanted. i can't get it anymore. my once ago passion has been sapping me dry now i don't feel whole anymore. all i wanted was for march to come quickly again.
dear me, i've been called defiant and unfilial too one time too much. does your dream cause you so much? i don't know about your judgment but i still think it is worth it. next year is the year of harvest and too those of the insult. let me take a break so that i could continue holding me up. i couldn't afford anyone putting me together. i don't want part of my heart to be so far away from me anymore.
dear me, how could i loathe and love myself so much. what paradox. fetch me from faraway.
rgds,
crestfallen me
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
dilemma
blood clouds hanging low just like the crimson arrows arching from their bow.
the street lights draw elongated shadows on both sides.
the pavement dead in the silent dusk
and this is the routine i run through everyday.
being alone, being so close to myself.
as i stretched and stretched throughout each day,
more and more towards the tipping point i am.
for a place where i once loved and made sacrifices for.
its an irony after all.
how tiresome and how loathsome to be me now.
but who else could i be except for the one i choose to be.
if you see me mourning, stop and ask, for i will tell the story i so hide.
'this is a square inch for someone who left me be.
for she was murdered brutally and Lord creates all ugly things.'
you probbed, 'who is she murdered by and how'
for this, i will answer, 'oh, what tragedy, she was slaughtered by mass media with their unspoken conformist laws.
i will then proceed to exhume the grave, inside you shall see, a wooden box just of a square inch lying snugly in the hole.
you watch me in disbeleief at the tomb.
let me explain all this, 'it is me who did the ritual for myself.
in the box lies my photo, my soul. part of me is dead. breaking into dust and drifting with the wind. till someone pick up the noble dream and live it well for me.
for now, i will set on a journey to replace me, to feel whole again.
don't be disgrace by me. for this is what i sought. i couldn't stay for this is who i am born to be.
apologies for the valleys of disappointment. i, too,
am learning to be myself.
well and healthy, fit and young, this conquest won't stop.
it shan't end this way.
=================================
rain and shine, who will be there throughout?
=================================
i want to think that everything is fine throughout, that i could go on like that, that everything is in perfect balance, that i got what i wanted. maybe, 6 months ago, all was well and fine but now it couldn't stay the same anymore. how could it be when i am growing every single day and things are still the way they are. its not that i don't love them anymore, i still do. just that what they say about love isn't entirely true. reality catches up one day and you realise you have cause such great disappointment to the ones you have love all the while. this isn't fair for them. i could reason that it is not fair for me either. why should i let them dictate my life? but truth is every decision has their woes. i couldn't satisfy everybody. for me, i am different, way different. even if i don't have their genes, i still have their blood. each inch of flesh and skin, every touch and feel don't belong wholly to me. for the whole song of their lives, they have dedicated it to me. i couldn't be so selfish. i want to be heartless this very much. i want to go and don't run back. i want to take flight towards my dream. but truth is, i still owe them. no matter which part of the earth i flee to, there still be a part of me calling out to them. even if it is just out of the sheer drudgery of responsibility, i wouldn't be able to flee from it. this is what is encoded in my heritage. i couldn't shun. this, i have to embrace the truth that they keep throwing onto me. consensus have to be made but fear not for i won't betray my soul. they think what i do is useless, but even a cent is worth something. i won't halt my heels, for it doesn't justify for it. instead i just change my course. i will break it now, let them learn the truth soon enough. i will see who i am soon enough.
============================
nothing is definite
the street lights draw elongated shadows on both sides.
the pavement dead in the silent dusk
and this is the routine i run through everyday.
being alone, being so close to myself.
as i stretched and stretched throughout each day,
more and more towards the tipping point i am.
for a place where i once loved and made sacrifices for.
its an irony after all.
how tiresome and how loathsome to be me now.
but who else could i be except for the one i choose to be.
if you see me mourning, stop and ask, for i will tell the story i so hide.
'this is a square inch for someone who left me be.
for she was murdered brutally and Lord creates all ugly things.'
you probbed, 'who is she murdered by and how'
for this, i will answer, 'oh, what tragedy, she was slaughtered by mass media with their unspoken conformist laws.
i will then proceed to exhume the grave, inside you shall see, a wooden box just of a square inch lying snugly in the hole.
you watch me in disbeleief at the tomb.
let me explain all this, 'it is me who did the ritual for myself.
in the box lies my photo, my soul. part of me is dead. breaking into dust and drifting with the wind. till someone pick up the noble dream and live it well for me.
for now, i will set on a journey to replace me, to feel whole again.
don't be disgrace by me. for this is what i sought. i couldn't stay for this is who i am born to be.
apologies for the valleys of disappointment. i, too,
am learning to be myself.
well and healthy, fit and young, this conquest won't stop.
it shan't end this way.
=================================
rain and shine, who will be there throughout?
=================================
i want to think that everything is fine throughout, that i could go on like that, that everything is in perfect balance, that i got what i wanted. maybe, 6 months ago, all was well and fine but now it couldn't stay the same anymore. how could it be when i am growing every single day and things are still the way they are. its not that i don't love them anymore, i still do. just that what they say about love isn't entirely true. reality catches up one day and you realise you have cause such great disappointment to the ones you have love all the while. this isn't fair for them. i could reason that it is not fair for me either. why should i let them dictate my life? but truth is every decision has their woes. i couldn't satisfy everybody. for me, i am different, way different. even if i don't have their genes, i still have their blood. each inch of flesh and skin, every touch and feel don't belong wholly to me. for the whole song of their lives, they have dedicated it to me. i couldn't be so selfish. i want to be heartless this very much. i want to go and don't run back. i want to take flight towards my dream. but truth is, i still owe them. no matter which part of the earth i flee to, there still be a part of me calling out to them. even if it is just out of the sheer drudgery of responsibility, i wouldn't be able to flee from it. this is what is encoded in my heritage. i couldn't shun. this, i have to embrace the truth that they keep throwing onto me. consensus have to be made but fear not for i won't betray my soul. they think what i do is useless, but even a cent is worth something. i won't halt my heels, for it doesn't justify for it. instead i just change my course. i will break it now, let them learn the truth soon enough. i will see who i am soon enough.
============================
nothing is definite
Monday, November 8, 2010
word. lie. truth.
forgiveness and repentance
today i was taught a lesson
the world we grew up in
is a world of twisted fact
not many value the truth
but treasure those who meant what they speak
this is a world of distorted words
so just hold your tongue
and hear me out
i want to speak the truth
but it bothers me so.
because promises choose to bury it with lies
but now, starting from today,
there will be no more masquerade
let there be emotions so raw, it seared
through the heart
and tears, the exultation of feelings,
not signs of weaknesses
you taught me well and there it is, me
growing strong and well indeed.
still, they ask, what use of words for words so wronged,
language borders, dialogue
causes agony and speech creates war
words become lies too a-many for one to take.
but they are too the art of heart, the way
to others. the true gold when one wield it
not as a sword but a tool of
love.
today i learn a lesson. you taught me well.
--------------------------------
someday, i will find a spot that belongs to me. all mine. i can do whatever i want with no one to judge me. i could dance like a ferret, spin like a wheel, scream like a hysteric, over and over till i collapse. nobody there to see myself except for the sun and the moon to be my soul companion.
today i was taught a lesson
the world we grew up in
is a world of twisted fact
not many value the truth
but treasure those who meant what they speak
this is a world of distorted words
so just hold your tongue
and hear me out
i want to speak the truth
but it bothers me so.
because promises choose to bury it with lies
but now, starting from today,
there will be no more masquerade
let there be emotions so raw, it seared
through the heart
and tears, the exultation of feelings,
not signs of weaknesses
you taught me well and there it is, me
growing strong and well indeed.
still, they ask, what use of words for words so wronged,
language borders, dialogue
causes agony and speech creates war
words become lies too a-many for one to take.
but they are too the art of heart, the way
to others. the true gold when one wield it
not as a sword but a tool of
love.
today i learn a lesson. you taught me well.
--------------------------------
someday, i will find a spot that belongs to me. all mine. i can do whatever i want with no one to judge me. i could dance like a ferret, spin like a wheel, scream like a hysteric, over and over till i collapse. nobody there to see myself except for the sun and the moon to be my soul companion.
Monday, September 27, 2010
torn inside out
dear you,
recently i've been feeling kind of wierd. have you ever felt like these? like you are going out of your body? like your body doesn't belong to you? like something is happening to you but all you could do is watch it like a bystander?
i have. sometimes, at the end of the day, when i was just travelling on bus, i hoped to dooze off but a wierd sensation took over. how could i describe it to you. it felt like i am dreaming while i'm awake. perhaps this is what they call another dimension? i don't know. i see images in my mind, images not within control. and these images are so vivid and so real that it kind of scares me. its as if this will happen to me. not that the content of the dream is bad but it doesn't negate that it is an unexplained phenomena. like i said, i felt awake throughout and time seems not able to penetrate throughout my trance. its like something or someone is trying to reach out to me. up to this point, does it give you the chills or do you just find me strange?
another thing i would like to confess, i have been so worn out recently. i could blink my eyes and swear that i see blackness for a micro-second even after i open my eyes. micro-second, is it humanly possible to feel that? maybe its exaggeration, it indeed feel very fast yet noticeable. i figured my body thought it could just shut down like that. maybe it needs a rest, maybe it wants a break but please my body, please don't break down. i still have a long way to go, we still have a journey to embark together, remember? i promise a break once we pull through this. yes, i know we felt so stuck but i will make a decision to break through. a change is what we all need.
and you know, i have been missing someone lately, so much so that i could have fallen in love with another instead. cause of that someone, it goes into a cycle of disappointment every time. i don't want it to be this way, has always been.
dear you, if you exist, please tell me what to do or at least explain to me what is happening.
rgds,
Schizophrenia, Bipolar
recently i've been feeling kind of wierd. have you ever felt like these? like you are going out of your body? like your body doesn't belong to you? like something is happening to you but all you could do is watch it like a bystander?
i have. sometimes, at the end of the day, when i was just travelling on bus, i hoped to dooze off but a wierd sensation took over. how could i describe it to you. it felt like i am dreaming while i'm awake. perhaps this is what they call another dimension? i don't know. i see images in my mind, images not within control. and these images are so vivid and so real that it kind of scares me. its as if this will happen to me. not that the content of the dream is bad but it doesn't negate that it is an unexplained phenomena. like i said, i felt awake throughout and time seems not able to penetrate throughout my trance. its like something or someone is trying to reach out to me. up to this point, does it give you the chills or do you just find me strange?
another thing i would like to confess, i have been so worn out recently. i could blink my eyes and swear that i see blackness for a micro-second even after i open my eyes. micro-second, is it humanly possible to feel that? maybe its exaggeration, it indeed feel very fast yet noticeable. i figured my body thought it could just shut down like that. maybe it needs a rest, maybe it wants a break but please my body, please don't break down. i still have a long way to go, we still have a journey to embark together, remember? i promise a break once we pull through this. yes, i know we felt so stuck but i will make a decision to break through. a change is what we all need.
and you know, i have been missing someone lately, so much so that i could have fallen in love with another instead. cause of that someone, it goes into a cycle of disappointment every time. i don't want it to be this way, has always been.
dear you, if you exist, please tell me what to do or at least explain to me what is happening.
rgds,
Schizophrenia, Bipolar
Monday, August 16, 2010
the girl who just waits and waits and regrets
truth is, i'm scared to death about it; peeling through my skin, cutting into my ribs, digging out my heart, splitting it into two and giving away the one good half. could you imagine the dilemma that i have to go through, sharing my heart, trusting it to others with good faith?
it has never been done and couldn't be done. at least not now, not when the unison would fall apart on the next day.
no, i think it be better for you to split my guts, break my spine and twist my lung. the heart is a selfish organ that i couldn't spare. we should keep our distance just the way it is. and i do recognize that this is a straight path southwards. i couldn't trust myself to do what i want when it comes to matter like this.
the usual me would say that its better to die trying than die wanting, which is much better than just existing. we gonna die willy nilly. but this time it felt better to just do nothing cause it truly scared the hell outta me. so sorry for being so wimpy. who am i sorry for again? i guess nobody but myself.
chalk one up for regrets.
it has never been done and couldn't be done. at least not now, not when the unison would fall apart on the next day.
no, i think it be better for you to split my guts, break my spine and twist my lung. the heart is a selfish organ that i couldn't spare. we should keep our distance just the way it is. and i do recognize that this is a straight path southwards. i couldn't trust myself to do what i want when it comes to matter like this.
the usual me would say that its better to die trying than die wanting, which is much better than just existing. we gonna die willy nilly. but this time it felt better to just do nothing cause it truly scared the hell outta me. so sorry for being so wimpy. who am i sorry for again? i guess nobody but myself.
chalk one up for regrets.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
anybody else feeling unpatriotic?
national day. but do you really feel connected to this place, being part of its whole nation? do you feel that you could contribute to its greater good? do you feel the purpose of your existence on this land?
honestly, i don't. i bored out of this place. though really appreciate its security.
and of course, i don't feel like i'm in a mood of celebration.
honestly, i don't. i bored out of this place. though really appreciate its security.
and of course, i don't feel like i'm in a mood of celebration.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
the air of resistance
sometimes, i guess we are just too sensible in keeping our distance. probably cause i can't break through my own barrier.
doesn't matter, whats important now is to protect my dream.
doesn't matter, whats important now is to protect my dream.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
karma
cause and effect is taking its toll. they say they believe in the suffering of this world but could this really be the basis of my life? i couldn't pretend that it wasn't due to my negligence. all was lost and its was entirely my fault. though so, i won't let guilt dictate my life. got to move on.
still, death is irreversible.
"Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now"
-- Airplanes, B.o.B ft Hayley Williams
"Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now"
-- Airplanes, B.o.B ft Hayley Williams
Monday, April 26, 2010
failed to impress
i wish i would not screw up but it seems like the more i try to avoid mistakes, the more frequent they appear.
just the plain old slow me. today my bicycle just skidded. talk about stupidity huh.
though all said and done, i will still hang on cause theres my pride to protect.
if only i could live up to expectations.
===============================
i wish i could be smarter
i wish i could perform better
i wish i have more excitement and achievements in life
i wish i am more well-read
i wish i did not waste all this time
i wish i am not of such a contradictory nature
they used to assure me about wishing upon a wishing star
the good things in life, they are not that far if we still hold on to our so called "childishness"
when we grow, we argue in the name of science but look where we are
cynics and skeptics
some just couldn't accept the best things in life need no reasoning
the never ending why, if you were to ask me
though there will be this occasional self-debilitating, i still love who i am
this love-hate feeling
i will stay happy and take things one step at a time
not gonna stop right now
goodness, i don't even know what the hell i am writing now.
just the plain old slow me. today my bicycle just skidded. talk about stupidity huh.
though all said and done, i will still hang on cause theres my pride to protect.
if only i could live up to expectations.
===============================
i wish i could be smarter
i wish i could perform better
i wish i have more excitement and achievements in life
i wish i am more well-read
i wish i did not waste all this time
i wish i am not of such a contradictory nature
they used to assure me about wishing upon a wishing star
the good things in life, they are not that far if we still hold on to our so called "childishness"
when we grow, we argue in the name of science but look where we are
cynics and skeptics
some just couldn't accept the best things in life need no reasoning
the never ending why, if you were to ask me
though there will be this occasional self-debilitating, i still love who i am
this love-hate feeling
i will stay happy and take things one step at a time
not gonna stop right now
goodness, i don't even know what the hell i am writing now.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
we are all running in different directions
they are all out there and not coming back. this has always been the way. but this time round, i gonna chase after them, regardless whatsoever. it will be my last sprint and there wouldn't be any faltering. not anymore.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
i can't fight the moonlight alone
emptiness floods through the wall, causing a huge hole and a wound so deep.
every wounds expose lie solemnly like those of a grave, waiting to be covered with the earth.
yet refusing to vanish entirely with an indication of a stone that protrudes out of the once empty field, reminding people of its existence. its all real, nothing being made up here.
on the stone is the inscription that could only be decoded by me and that meant little to everybody else.
now here in loneliness i stand, contemplating my own emptiness, announcing that this time is dead but memories will live on, pass down from one to another or till i bring it with me six feet under.
why does it always have to end this way?
are you sure you will be coming back? cause i can't trust anybody on that now.
if only you really do ...
===========================
japan, you are almost in for the whole of my march entries. guess i really can't get you out of my head. then the choice left is to go. no more excuses!
every wounds expose lie solemnly like those of a grave, waiting to be covered with the earth.
yet refusing to vanish entirely with an indication of a stone that protrudes out of the once empty field, reminding people of its existence. its all real, nothing being made up here.
on the stone is the inscription that could only be decoded by me and that meant little to everybody else.
now here in loneliness i stand, contemplating my own emptiness, announcing that this time is dead but memories will live on, pass down from one to another or till i bring it with me six feet under.
why does it always have to end this way?
are you sure you will be coming back? cause i can't trust anybody on that now.
if only you really do ...
===========================
japan, you are almost in for the whole of my march entries. guess i really can't get you out of my head. then the choice left is to go. no more excuses!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
prove me wrong. cause i need you to.
i use to think that numbers don't matter but now i see i am just naive. in fact its whats that matter most. how could it be, when i will still be there even if there is only gonna be one. i thought we grew up and its quality that we pursuing but thats not the case. the value of the meeting could only be calibrated through the number of turn ups. is that so? guess our bond did indeed stand so weak.
its falling apart.
now, tear through the lies that i living in. dispel the illusion that we are close just like before. how ludicrous, cause i just realise we have never been. and all those memories, are you insinuating that some things are best kept like it is in ones mind? all our separate lives. the differences that have trickled through all these years forcing us apart, further and further till all we see are speckles across the horizon. is it really going to be so?
its falling apart.
its falling apart.
now, tear through the lies that i living in. dispel the illusion that we are close just like before. how ludicrous, cause i just realise we have never been. and all those memories, are you insinuating that some things are best kept like it is in ones mind? all our separate lives. the differences that have trickled through all these years forcing us apart, further and further till all we see are speckles across the horizon. is it really going to be so?
its falling apart.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
the last goodbye
even if sorry meant a thousand apologies, what use does it serve?
then again, who is there to blame when we couldn't even pinpoint the exact fault.
clinging on to the fact that it is irreparable isn't much of a comfort.
and the broken dreams of many, maybe there is a purpose.
not to avoid, not to dwell, not to be devastated.
perhaps all is naught but a blessing in disguise.
i won't know cause i won't be there, not anymore.
=========================
3 posts on the supposedly japan trip, i should stop here. will look forward from now on.
first thing to do then: cut hair!!
then again, who is there to blame when we couldn't even pinpoint the exact fault.
clinging on to the fact that it is irreparable isn't much of a comfort.
and the broken dreams of many, maybe there is a purpose.
not to avoid, not to dwell, not to be devastated.
perhaps all is naught but a blessing in disguise.
i won't know cause i won't be there, not anymore.
=========================
3 posts on the supposedly japan trip, i should stop here. will look forward from now on.
first thing to do then: cut hair!!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
the confession
you think it would all go away after some time but it doesn't. the ghost of you, its always lingering in my mind and its haunting me right now. bet you didn't know what you have done, lifting me to such a vulnerable position. now, its just too late. nothing is going to happen but the reruns just won't stop. theres no meaning to it and i feel so ridiculous. not that i want to but you got me now.
and you aren't even here anymore.
me and my delusions.
===========================
trip canceled. oh well, so much for hope.
maybe i still stand by my point but it would mean a whole lot different than it have been..
and you aren't even here anymore.
me and my delusions.
===========================
trip canceled. oh well, so much for hope.
maybe i still stand by my point but it would mean a whole lot different than it have been..
Sunday, March 14, 2010
the last minute changes
please let it not be a series of disappointment. i really want to go, its my last chance.
==============================
processing is damn slow. deposit is being made during study week but we are only informed that theres not enough vacancies this week. theres at least a full 4 weeks for everything to be settled. disappointed. all those redundant policies and procedures. didn't they know they have to book air tickets way in advance for such a big group of 44. yet they took so long to make a decision. what a wise move. cross my fingers and pray hard for this one last hope.
==============================
processing is damn slow. deposit is being made during study week but we are only informed that theres not enough vacancies this week. theres at least a full 4 weeks for everything to be settled. disappointed. all those redundant policies and procedures. didn't they know they have to book air tickets way in advance for such a big group of 44. yet they took so long to make a decision. what a wise move. cross my fingers and pray hard for this one last hope.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
the cat has turned away
she walks away and sits stonely in one corner. now, she just wants to be left alone. probably the trust have been depleted. the harsh treatment received by the critical, the inconsiderate act by the impertinent ones. maybe she is exhausted from running away, maybe she is depressed from all those disappointment. in days to come, i hope she will be alright.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
the defence mechanism of a porcupine
you are the sole ranger in this expense of desert. theres nobody to rely on. running away, you couldn't even keep up with yourself. this is how it all seems, a reflection of your preference to work in solitude.
but sometimes, you really just got to help yourself simply by reaching out. you are never alone, no matter how isolated you feel. theres always going to be people who care. if you just observe, even the desert is sprawling with activity every minute.
believe help will be there unless you first choose to shut yourself off.
this, i really got to keep reminding myself. i am weak for i don't know how to express myself. within layers and layers, i hold so dear. i just couldn't bare myself in front of others.
==========================
you know something meant a lot to you if it could make you fume and end up in sobs.
what does it take to dream a dream that everyone forbids?
but sometimes, you really just got to help yourself simply by reaching out. you are never alone, no matter how isolated you feel. theres always going to be people who care. if you just observe, even the desert is sprawling with activity every minute.
believe help will be there unless you first choose to shut yourself off.
this, i really got to keep reminding myself. i am weak for i don't know how to express myself. within layers and layers, i hold so dear. i just couldn't bare myself in front of others.
==========================
you know something meant a lot to you if it could make you fume and end up in sobs.
what does it take to dream a dream that everyone forbids?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
cause its hate. cause its love.
the blue monster escaped its steel cage in the closet to create confusion. confused by the slightest glimpse to the other truth, confused by the fact they see but could not grasp. but is there really a definite truth? isn't the so-called truth only what we perceive, what we believe, what we hold on to? the truth that i live by, the drop of fragility, the reason for inbalance. you fail to see through any of it. of course, i am not suprise. we have our own burden put high above, so high its beyond the reach of others. not that it doesn't matter but once again, i have held this blue monster captive. for the moment.
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