Tuesday, November 23, 2010


blood clouds hanging low just like the crimson arrows arching from their bow.
the street lights draw elongated shadows on both sides.
the pavement dead in the silent dusk
and this is the routine i run through everyday.
being alone, being so close to myself.
as i stretched and stretched throughout each day,
more and more towards the tipping point i am.
for a place where i once loved and made sacrifices for.
its an irony after all.
how tiresome and how loathsome to be me now.
but who else could i be except for the one i choose to be.
if you see me mourning, stop and ask, for i will tell the story i so hide.
'this is a square inch for someone who left me be.
for she was murdered brutally and Lord creates all ugly things.'
you probbed, 'who is she murdered by and how'
for this, i will answer, 'oh, what tragedy, she was slaughtered by mass media with their unspoken conformist laws.
i will then proceed to exhume the grave, inside you shall see, a wooden box just of a square inch lying snugly in the hole.
you watch me in disbeleief at the tomb.
let me explain all this, 'it is me who did the ritual for myself.
in the box lies my photo, my soul. part of me is dead. breaking into dust and drifting with the wind. till someone pick up the noble dream and live it well for me.
for now, i will set on a journey to replace me, to feel whole again.
don't be disgrace by me. for this is what i sought. i couldn't stay for this is who i am born to be.
apologies for the valleys of disappointment. i, too,
am learning to be myself.
well and healthy, fit and young, this conquest won't stop.
it shan't end this way.

rain and shine, who will be there throughout?

i want to think that everything is fine throughout, that i could go on like that, that everything is in perfect balance, that i got what i wanted. maybe, 6 months ago, all was well and fine but now it couldn't stay the same anymore. how could it be when i am growing every single day and things are still the way they are. its not that i don't love them anymore, i still do. just that what they say about love isn't entirely true. reality catches up one day and you realise you have cause such great disappointment to the ones you have love all the while. this isn't fair for them. i could reason that it is not fair for me either. why should i let them dictate my life? but truth is every decision has their woes. i couldn't satisfy everybody. for me, i am different, way different. even if i don't have their genes, i still have their blood. each inch of flesh and skin, every touch and feel don't belong wholly to me. for the whole song of their lives, they have dedicated it to me. i couldn't be so selfish. i want to be heartless this very much. i want to go and don't run back. i want to take flight towards my dream. but truth is, i still owe them. no matter which part of the earth i flee to, there still be a part of me calling out to them. even if it is just out of the sheer drudgery of responsibility, i wouldn't be able to flee from it. this is what is encoded in my heritage. i couldn't shun. this, i have to embrace the truth that they keep throwing onto me. consensus have to be made but fear not for i won't betray my soul. they think what i do is useless, but even a cent is worth something. i won't halt my heels, for it doesn't justify for it. instead i just change my course. i will break it now, let them learn the truth soon enough. i will see who i am soon enough.

nothing is definite
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