newborn

i feeling so much better now!! frankly speaking, even i myself was amazed by how fast i climbed out of that pit of darkness. it happened so swiftly to the point that its kind of scary. guess its a gift, much like an ability, to move on without prolonged hesistation and despondency. from being inert just a few days ago (perhaps it started back from a few months in stages) to super reactive with explosive energy!! sadly, i still stuck at home because ppl keep telling me to stay at home! argh..i have to get a breather outside or i might end up talking to the wall! now thats absolutely creepy! lol. guess i scary no matter what huh..haha

now its down to serious stuffs..

have to take a very long timeoff from aikido. haiz.
initially thought of quitting due to the influence of family but heck!! even if they use a super strong water hose on the flame, it will stop, ultimately i will dry up and ignite the flame back..but right now i drenched and with a moist right armpit literally!! lol (ok i know its gross)

in life, unexpected things just keep popping up. some resent it but still theres no point of avoiding it. even a safe driver could get into accident if some ku ku ppl decided to do something stupid. think about it, do u really want to play it safe everytime?
u call this life?:
study, achieve academically, get a degree/master blah blah, find a good paying job though u may not enjoy it, store up lots of cash for retirement, get a family, start to worry if your kids play safe outside, retire at 62, and then hopefully start to relish every moment of life or be one to play chinese chess everyday. in the meanwhile praying that no accident or death fell upon u before u retire at 62. not to forget its essential to remain hopeful that yr children will support u after yr retirement. oh how hard is that right? with the advances of technology, people could now wire money. right, so right.
my point is live life like theres nothing to fall back on, live it the way u going to love it, live it so that u wont have to take 3 months to finish your last words (talking about regrets n wishlist)

in the end it will feel so much better to say, i am proud that i have done ___ even though i have to stop due to ___ instead of i wish i have tried ___ but i got no time.

once u onto sth, detailed plans on paper are good for wiping the backside when u run out of toilet papers. things will pan out and not according to those details!

rise from the flames

u ve been with me for a while n i have sth for u,

dont stare at me with those depressed eyes
dont spook me late at night with those silent whispers
dont get me all worked up and worn down with those recurring thoughts
dont feed on my guilt and then erode my conscience

yet i know u n i are one
we cuddled up in those restless night
and theres no escaping from u
who i see every morning through my very own reflection

u, mood swing, u can reside in my body but i will find a way to subdue u..

====================
painkillers are nonsense, they just make u numb. the pain never goes away cause it is the price to pay.

feed me with your dreams, i promise to be attentive(:

fractured soul

part of me just died
i hope i can heal like how the bone will be reconstructed
though it will never be as strong as it used to be and it might even turn out ugly

===================
i wish those tears were the from a lake instead of a river

UPDATE!!
just got a 1 wk mc. if u all care, this is the time to shower me with care, concern n love.lol

stomach going to be a drug heaven/: calcium tablets, sth to ease the swell, and sth to protect the gastric.

mask

why does a smile hurts so much?
since when have i lost the ability to laugh like a kid?
i always thought its easy to laugh innocently, straight from the heart

the naked truth is redundant now
its enough to learn that everybody is expendable and replaceable
therefore our purpose of existence is vague

so tell me why i should live life the way u want me to but that i dread

====================================
if you are the only sane in this crazy world, you would be the lunatic
so what are u if u are the only dreamer among those dreamless sleepers?

bookshelf

decided to blog about something boring that is....
my bookshelf is looking more like a bookshelf!!
though the presence of my soft toy stitch-es (i think theres around 10 of them)(all merchandise at least 30?) still make it look like a cupboard for toy exhibit.
today emerged victorious from the nlb expo book sale!! whoo whoo. 6 books that are seriously underpriced!! $2 each.
ok. and i am lazy to continue bloggin.. Zzz.

the tale that inspires

shed the excessive
dare to be different
know the goal
rise no matter how bad the fall is
exceed the limitations
and success will follow

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once saw a phrase that goes something like this "woman are the stronger sex for man supposedly being the "stronger" sex has a weakness and/or soft spot for woman"

one day

what if one day...
i lost faith in my dreams
i abandon all my aspirations
physical beauty becomes of utmost importance
i change to be a hard core materialistic girl
i am obsessed with being thin like a stick man
i am so much superficial and so much lesser of me
i am complacent with what comes along and resign to fate

what have i grow into?
what will i be?
no answers, no promises,
but at least i know the above will digust even me myself

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some use danger as a reason to pull out, no point in exposing our vulnerability
other see danger as an opportunity to test one ability, contemplating if they will succeed in overcoming or bypassing it
there no right or wrong in both perceptions, but i am a believer of the latter. simply cause of the sense of triumph that makes me feel damn good about myself..

fear

"Fear is only in our minds,
Taking over all the time.
Fear is only in our minds
but it's taking over all the time"
- Sweet sacrifice, Evanescene

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."
- Mark Twain

people have different fear threshold. but how to change it? how to limit fear to its minimal? how to alter a person perspective to ones benefit? how to do it right?

humour, wisdom, persuasion. tested negative. seriously lacking that ): somebody pls implant those to me!!
wouldnt it be better and easier if everything could be kicked off with a bit of emo-ish, wallowing in self empathy, disregard for the future. shouldnt that suppose to worry ppl who cares, but their blatant display of indifference and apathy make me feel like shit. what? it doesnt matter anymore that i not satisfied with my current state. it doesnt matter if i cant achieve my dreams. it doesnt matter as long as i stay safe under your wing. it doesnt matter cause u wont be reading this.

i so distorted inside that i dont even recgonise myself anymore. i so frightened of my thoughts. i am being made a prisoner of them, to contain because of the physical inhibition u administer on me. but guess what, now i in a fight or die mode (ok.. too extreme. maybe just spiritual death). pull the last breath out of my nothingness or aid me towards my greatness.

"You can’t hold me down..
...
Nobody’s gonna stand in my way
Give it up, I’m doin’ this my way
Nobody’s gonna stand in my way
Give it up, I’m doin’ this my way
Out of my way"
- Out of my way, Seether