torn inside out

dear you,

recently i've been feeling kind of wierd. have you ever felt like these? like you are going out of your body? like your body doesn't belong to you? like something is happening to you but all you could do is watch it like a bystander?

i have. sometimes, at the end of the day, when i was just travelling on bus, i hoped to dooze off but a wierd sensation took over. how could i describe it to you. it felt like i am dreaming while i'm awake. perhaps this is what they call another dimension? i don't know. i see images in my mind, images not within control. and these images are so vivid and so real that it kind of scares me. its as if this will happen to me. not that the content of the dream is bad but it doesn't negate that it is an unexplained phenomena. like i said, i felt awake throughout and time seems not able to penetrate throughout my trance. its like something or someone is trying to reach out to me. up to this point, does it give you the chills or do you just find me strange?

another thing i would like to confess, i have been so worn out recently. i could blink my eyes and swear that i see blackness for a micro-second even after i open my eyes. micro-second, is it humanly possible to feel that? maybe its exaggeration, it indeed feel very fast yet noticeable. i figured my body thought it could just shut down like that. maybe it needs a rest, maybe it wants a break but please my body, please don't break down. i still have a long way to go, we still have a journey to embark together, remember? i promise a break once we pull through this. yes, i know we felt so stuck but i will make a decision to break through. a change is what we all need.

and you know, i have been missing someone lately, so much so that i could have fallen in love with another instead. cause of that someone, it goes into a cycle of disappointment every time. i don't want it to be this way, has always been.

dear you, if you exist, please tell me what to do or at least explain to me what is happening.

rgds,
Schizophrenia, Bipolar

time. timeless.

they all say time is running out, it'll be too late for me to do anything like that. but tell me, what exactly is time. what value does time hold when we have woes of time instead of celebrating the flow of it. rejoice that we are opening our eyes to a brand new day of challenge, give no cheers to the bland state of conformity. be awed that we are reborn every single day and not be bereaved by the loss of yesterday. someone enlightened me, why is it i see so many people indulging in yesterday, fantasizing about tomorrow but not relishing the very day that existed. well i'm not saying its not good to learn from our history and have big dreams. in fact, i'm totally into it but too many people are neglecting the presence of now in exchange for those faraway moments. i meant both yesterday and tomorrow are non-existent, where do they stand in this very minute? too many times, we deflate this particular moment to inflate our past glories and future achievements. but when we don't live in present tense, we would never get what we want. however, say we do get what we want, we quickly relinquish their pleasure by upping the ante for the ransom of time. yes, we are no longer keepers of our own time, we are our very own time-kidnapper. paradoxically, we put our time away from us. yes. this is a crazy world. the one very thing we have in definite, we let it slipped away.

perhaps, we are all taught that we have to work hard for the things we wanted. thus time is a conflicting currency we don't even have to lift a finger to get. spend it generously, spend it wisely. i believe the adage, the best thing in life are free, so is the case for time that the universe dished out for everyone. imagine a world so rich that we don't have hard cash currency, instead wealth is calibrated by time. everyone will be living in abundance, there will be no poverty cause everyone's treasure is the gift of time.

so we have to learn to not be trapped in the loop of time, to not forget the meaning of life and to remember the power of living in the moment.

every single day

destination or journey?

result is all they care. like it doesn't matter if you don't learn anything, as long as you can pass well even if it means to get somebody else to do it for you. shit this world. shit this focus. this is one of the reason why i don't go mainstream. whats wrong with you people to think that the destination is more important than the journey. to me destination doesn't really matter. unless you intend to be a blind and hurried tourist trying to take in as much sights as possible. it doesn't matter if you take one month or a year in a place, its the experience that matters; not how much you remember yourself seeing but how much you actually feel and grow out of it.

there's too little care and too little love in this world. what was i hoping, not everyone's a mother theresa, not everyone wants a jane goodall. too many people chooses monetary reward (destination) over the reward of love (journey). skeptics skeptics, can't believe you can't have it both. even if i were to choose, the choice is clear isn't it. are you a destination person or a journey person?

the greatest risk in life is not taking risks

"the greatest risk in life is not taking risks. We never regret the risks we took on our deathbeds but the opportunities we didn’t seize."

-- Robin Sharma

i was lingering at the park paying patronage to the cat and the bird that were performing a life and death duet. the bird with its vocal, the cat with its stealth. like a moth courting the flame, the bird sings its song of life so proudly it could be mistaken for a death tribute. it alerted the cat who crouch and edge closer to its prey. however, sadly. the cat's advantage of stealth is its downfall too. upon closing up on the bird, it has to stand cautiously on the thin branch that hobbles under the weight of the cat. of course all this movement exaggerated the cat's advancement and warned the bird of its doom. the brilliant bird knows that it is flirting with the death scythe, always making dangerously close approach to the cat yet remain just well within out of reach. flitting from tree to tree, its as if the bird were teasing the inability of the cat. after many failed attempts, ridicules from the bird, and even to getting stuck on the tree (not to mention almost paying a hefty price for miscalculating the distance of the branches), the cat gave up on the lure of its potential dinner. the cast falls away when the curtain draws, the cat head towards a human passageway whereby it might get lucky and be given free food and the bird flies off assuming to its home, calling it a day of fun.

sometimes we got to learn to keep our distance instead of just going in direct opposition with risk.
sometimes we just have to take a break from our constant efforts to prevent from burnout but it should never stop us from trying.

19 to 20

eve - cycle to ecp and have no choice but to cycle back at 11. the underpass is so scary! and not to mention the fear arises from sights of particular groups of people. lights are off. i think i almost die from fear. once is enough. reach home at 12.30! yes. thats how i spend the last of my 19.

kick start my 20 by going to the zoo! it was awesome!

thoughts of a 20

if i could change one thing, i say we all conduct our lives like this: dance to the rhythm of the rain, sing the song of the birds, cry when we feel like it, laugh as we should, smile at a stranger, hug someone you love, mend a broken soul, whatever, do whatever that bring joy to us every single day. live without inhibitions for all the goodness is ours to cultivate and earth is really a paradise we've all been seeking since mankind. we could catch the shooting star, hug the cloud and fly with the wind.

believe this is all possible cause we are all special and living in a magical world.

.

show gratitude to your enemy cause they made forgiving possible
show gratitude to your critic cause they made improvement possible
show gratitude to those skeptic cause they made achieving more worth it
show gratitude to every offensive person in your life unless they inflict intentional intensive injuries or carry out acts of violence on you.

.

I guess they feel so comfortable being a regular 9 to 5-er. How regular is life when you work all your ass out for something you don't love. Probably as long as the annual vacation your office pan out. Maybe you will find spark during this window of opportunity but most, i dare say, remain in their dream state in this pretense of our world. Our world has been misinterpreted by people using vices to seek out gain from others. Consumerism is what it meant to be successful. Even till now it has been ingrained into so many city dwellers. Trading your life for a LV bag and wallet. How classy. The hierarchy of the nature sprang forth as social status in our world. Maybe we all try too hard to put definition into the works of nature. But I say, we ain't getting it through this way. It has been so for generations whereby the influence is uniform. Not till now, I see an open door of light for us. We can choose to awake from our illusion. We can start a revolution for our generation. Well, its not exactly a revolution but more of a return, a search for who we really are within. For this journey, I'm glad to have my extended family with me cause we are all but regular.

.

on its last page, mount kinabalu, sabah, malaysia

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our job is to advocate love, something education never covers.

staying sane and staying safe is for normal people.
for me, i want to be extraordinary.
i'm not in your right set of mind anyway.

honestly, how meaningful is your life?

damn it. i such a sucker for this kind of things.
love the wind on my face.

haven

what if heaven is a place on earth and we live eternally in different lives? what will we do, what will we seek for?

i realize a lot of things that i do i couldn't give an explanation, or at least a convincing one. words have its limitation that failed to convey the experience and thoughts of one wholly. maybe everything doesn't requires logic. or perhaps practicality isn't all there is to this world.

witness

i realise we all made a huge mistake. we try to brand or label our experiences as good and bad; so much so that, it seems plausible to be judgmental of the lives of others. this is not the way i wanted it to be. i wanted others to accept who i am and what i do instead of being a couch-guru. in contrary, after much reflection, i admit i'm actually trying so much to "guide" others. and forgive me, cause it seems so desirable and second to nature. my belief might be a whole different concept of living however, essentially its still all just the same difference. how could i be so insensitive to want to structure the lives of others; its our choice, our passion, our lives. its our individuality that makes this world a unique whole. suppose say, everyone is to do the same thing, i couldn't imagine that. who would know best but deep inside us? our higher self know what we are cut out to be but so many people just tune out of their spiritual talk and tune in to society radio. thats why we stay stagnant, giving ourselves ample reasons to live life like that. thats why we need self-help books when we are on the process of awakening. thats why some people make an informed decision to break free and embark on a spiritual journey.

thats why i'm telling you that you are right whatever you do as long as you are following your own exclusive, real path and not what the society dictates. (i'm presuming that everyone is born compassionate)

do not upon others that not want others to do upon you.