painting the last shred of zoo with you in mind

nudging close, nosing through
below my armpit.
lying almost on my lap,
resting so blissfully.
you make me cave in my resolve.
it isn't like you do this
for everyone,
being fiercely
feminist,
you always get your way.

staring at whatever that moves,
horses, ferrets, squirrels, rats.
we couldn't move you, not an inch.
but the way you lean on me,
i know you ain't half as wild
like what they said you to be..

black and white,
border collie with
soft brown eyes.

you want somebody to love
you,
yet you never show.
just like the way i act.
craving
for things that wouldn't last.

perhaps the last, second last or third.
months left to count.
you are the one i care the most
next to the gray and white
kitty cat
call gnome.

shades of black, white and gray.
if its only simple as this way.
colour palettes now i faced,
never seen until today.
how could i choose?
when the two options are
to let love quit
or let me rot.

the road-map on my hand
wrinkle deeply in.
months of travails i been through.
couldn't see things so clearly.
long marks of canine bites
by fellows tinier than my feet.

oh, yes, this is a long journey,
or so it seems,
colours i didn't know exist.
i still couldn't say
i want to stay.
for days i've been wanting
to set me free.
goodbye, i guess, just
won't leave.

continuation of the story 2 years ago

it was the first time i heard or thought i heard that the cat cried. it makes you cringe. it whimpers about the despair of being lift up and put down once and one more time too much again and again. maybe i know this feeling too.

but now, all i could see is hope. :D blithe don't have to be shone the light of eternity to have a significant impact. for this short moment of joy, i am willing to go through the tedium, to peel through its layers of sorrow to reach the sweetest and juiciest core i ever and will ever taste. even if i am going to finish this luxurious fruit all in just one shot, it is worthwhile simply to rejoice its tenderness and allure of this moment, the epitome of sumptuous love.

thanks :D

i will smile myself silly to sleep tonight. (if this is ever a correct english express) i don't know cause i am deliriously happy now. hehe!

love live

still, you are the one. for days stretched into years and insomnia lengthens the night. they say it was all history, back to the days of sept 2008. now, if only you say you would love to hold fast to the sacrifices you promised so at joy back then. 2 years forward, the so called oath that you swore by might only hang flimsily at the tip of your tongue but it still moves me so. it still does. bring me to you cause there are many wrongs to be right. let me count not the regrets pertaining to you anymore. you taught me well so let me love you now.

if only you could hear me now...
save me from this pit, for better or for worse, i don't care anymore.




violence bred violence

thanks for everything,

cause its no cinderella and no prince at this ball. they are just dancing around and around in circles hoping for eternal till the magic broke. stripped off any fantasy, the missus ran away sobbing. how could she have reach this pathetic state again? over and over, she fell into this trench that they so obliviously laid for her. they never know how much it hurts. they couldn't be blame, they never know, then she, the one who knows, let it course towards the same pain. cause no matter how hard she fell each time, the wind always bring her up with whispers of the neverland, those of the fairies and those of the tales of courage. for her, its always hard to reject believing something so wonderful. why would she want to do otherwise, to believe that there's no miracles in life? bed of roses, they called it. little did they know, bed of roses - on the surface, everything seems perfect but the deeper you sink in, the more you will feel the thorns. but if she were to shun them all, her life would be plain, plain as the life of the housemaid cinderella when she lived under her stepsisters. probably thats what fairytales are for, to remind that wonderful and beyond the mind miracles could happen no matter how tough the situation is in that moment. so, she believes.


"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

-- In Memoriam:27, 1850, Alfred Lord Tennyson

i can't fight the moonlight alone

emptiness floods through the wall, causing a huge hole and a wound so deep.
every wounds expose lie solemnly like those of a grave, waiting to be covered with the earth.
yet refusing to vanish entirely with an indication of a stone that protrudes out of the once empty field, reminding people of its existence. its all real, nothing being made up here.
on the stone is the inscription that could only be decoded by me and that meant little to everybody else.
now here in loneliness i stand, contemplating my own emptiness, announcing that this time is dead but memories will live on, pass down from one to another or till i bring it with me six feet under.

why does it always have to end this way?
are you sure you will be coming back? cause i can't trust anybody on that now.
if only you really do ...

===========================
japan, you are almost in for the whole of my march entries. guess i really can't get you out of my head. then the choice left is to go. no more excuses!

the confession

you think it would all go away after some time but it doesn't. the ghost of you, its always lingering in my mind and its haunting me right now. bet you didn't know what you have done, lifting me to such a vulnerable position. now, its just too late. nothing is going to happen but the reruns just won't stop. theres no meaning to it and i feel so ridiculous. not that i want to but you got me now.

and you aren't even here anymore.

me and my delusions.

===========================
trip canceled. oh well, so much for hope.
maybe i still stand by my point but it would mean a whole lot different than it have been..

from me, to her, to him.

want to write you a letter but those words probably won't suffice. cause it can't bring my longing to u. it won't show you how much i want to see you again. i just want to meet you. to spend our time repeating the jokes over and over. to just see your smile. even if words can never be totally appreciated, having you beside is enough. if you could just come.

do they still remember what they say? or is it all just part of their habitual lie? maybe we are all too naive to begin with.

the notion of time

you can't see pass your workload.
you can't see pass your hatred.
and you will only see me as work.

i know you hate work.
i know you want me gone.
but dear no i don't even recgonize you anymore.

the time it takes to fall

- Dan Rodriguez inspired by www.pleasefindthis.blogspot.com (great blog with beautiful words. though i find myself totally clueless on some of its posts.)


im ok.
even if i have to give up all just to be here.
even if i am crying here alone.
even if u are here just to trample on my heart.

im ok if you be.

thoughts on a lunch box

you make me feel like i am right,
but this time round it doesn't feel so alright to be correct.
i no longer the me back in those days.
well, it shouldn't have any impact at this point
but truth be told, its bothering me, its perplexing.
gosh. you use to have this kind of influence on me.
use to, doesn't seem appropriate here.
i just hope history doesn't repeat ):

===============================
if its you, maybe i stay

you are twisted, just like me.

i realize it doesn't affect me that much anymore. no more whimpering. maybe i have grown strong. perhaps i am selfish now. or it could simply be i don't care anymore. no longer wish to be caught in this childish brawl, i am so far away now, you guys have lost me. all these ludicrous exchange of words. i shouldn't be judging you but theres this urge, i guess you know. you display it so well, almost flawlessly.


you teach me to love then show me the hate. i complete now, ain't i?
i still love myself though. i not trashy. i just have a bit too much of you.
================================
should be working on mp. damn..

i am living behind this wall

the shattering sound of porcelain against the wall. the cracks on the wall that nobody bothers about. please let it stay this way. i plead for you to not stop, to not fill up the cracks. this way, i know you are alive and maybe, i hope, eventually, you will find me, through the cracks, waiting.

if you could just love ... ... again
=====================================
"Most people are as happy as they make up their mind to be" - Abraham Lincoln

when the wrong is right.

look at you, broken into a million pieces.
indefinite, impossible to contain,
like the myriad stars of a cloudless night,
each pieces of you, so stunning, so alluring.
just the way you have to be,
the perfect blemish.

========================
"All animals except man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it" - Samuel Butler
False Evidence Appearing Real

cause its hate. cause its love.

the blue monster escaped its steel cage in the closet to create confusion. confused by the slightest glimpse to the other truth, confused by the fact they see but could not grasp. but is there really a definite truth? isn't the so-called truth only what we perceive, what we believe, what we hold on to? the truth that i live by, the drop of fragility, the reason for inbalance. you fail to see through any of it. of course, i am not suprise. we have our own burden put high above, so high its beyond the reach of others. not that it doesn't matter but once again, i have held this blue monster captive. for the moment.

hide no more

today, they talked about university admission. i guess its everybody top priority now to secure a place in their desirable university. well, almost everybody. my graduation plans? i don't know. i lied. there are lots of negative feedback and disparaging comments already. enough is enough.

it doesn't really matter what they think of me anymore. it doesn't matter now, not even what you think of me. these few years, i have been hiding, hiding from all things that i should have taken responsibility. for the sake of you, i try to put everything behind. when i can't, i run away and hide, never to confront the problem.

i know you hated the things that i loved and did since i was a kid. we are different in every ways, don't you see? i can't get you luxurious car or fanciful home, at least thats what i foresee. the american dream is your ideal lifestyle, its not mine. i couldn't carry it with me anymore. i wish to do the things that i genuinely want. rest assured that i know what i am doing. i am not a kiddo anymore, no longer the child who has to be hushed everytime she fell.

if i do fall now, i will stand on my feet and continue onwards. i wish i have known these earlier. its a waste that you have never taught me this. all i remember is you reprimanding me to not do the "stupid" stuffs again. have i not been who i am today, i could have been a hermit or a coward, for thats who you have taught me to be.

though so, i still love you, love you not for what you do but for who you are. believe me, i really do.

the year to come

when it is not enough
when u miss them much
when u want more
when u are left with this one last shot
when u dont even care that it gonna end in the same way

====================
march - kumamoto!!

rise from the flames

u ve been with me for a while n i have sth for u,

dont stare at me with those depressed eyes
dont spook me late at night with those silent whispers
dont get me all worked up and worn down with those recurring thoughts
dont feed on my guilt and then erode my conscience

yet i know u n i are one
we cuddled up in those restless night
and theres no escaping from u
who i see every morning through my very own reflection

u, mood swing, u can reside in my body but i will find a way to subdue u..

====================
painkillers are nonsense, they just make u numb. the pain never goes away cause it is the price to pay.

feed me with your dreams, i promise to be attentive(:

that moonless night

that moonless night
when the stars dont have to shun the moonlit
when the stars have shine so bright
when the stars have made known their existence which have ceased in the galaxy aeon ago

that moonless night
when it doesnt seem to be there
when its presence was still felt through the surging tides
when all was heard was the withering of the sea and the retreating of the waves

that moonless night
when i use to miss the absence of it
when i no longer yearn for the moon that hangs beyond reach
when i finally realise everything shouldnt be like this


====================================
cause you are as beautiful as the moon

pauper and the prince

she was a pauper, who led a frugal live. however, she never let this fact get her cause her passion kept her going. she told herself that a painter is what she must be. you should see how her eyes sparkled each time she received some paper and charcoal. it was as if some spell was casted on her, relieving her of the stark reality. to her, no achievement is greater than being able to capture the moments in life and the beauty on, what was originally, a bare piece of paper. those hands of her seemed to be stolen from a magician, creating wonders by putting down strokes, sometimes heavily, sometimes lazily but always brilliantly, on the canvas.

then something happened to the pauper. something so absurd, that it could only have happened in fantasies. the crown prince of a faraway land, japilano, fell in love with her, or so the prince would say. but the pauper knew, the prince was just charmed by that talent of her, momentarily. the pauper presumed that in japilano, a land so distant that she had never heard before, no girl could draw like her. she was confident cause even the advisor that accompanied the prince was captivated by her drawing.

she never allowed herself to fall in love with the prince. she was certain that the prince would return to his land and his people will expect him to marry somebody capable and of equal status. by then, where will the forgotten pauper be able to go with a broken heart, in a foreign land? theres no way that she will be able to stand in between the prince and his fiancee. the prince will be a ruler of millions but never the conqueror of the pauper's heart.

indeed he left without the pauper, just as she foresee. however, she was never forgotten. years later, the prince invited her over to his palace to do a portrait. she was told by the messenger, that the prince was going to be enthroned as the king. it was the advisor, who suggested to paint this historical moment. if she still had any faith in herself, it had all vanished at that very moment. it was palpable now that the prince was in love with her talent, all along.

=====================================================
我对你所作的一切，我没有后悔过。虽然，那是一个很伤人的举动，不过那是经过许久考量，不让你我造成更大遗憾的决择。至少，我是这么认为。或许这仅仅是让我自己比较好受的的借口吧。