painting the last shred of zoo with you in mind

nudging close, nosing through
below my armpit.
lying almost on my lap,
resting so blissfully.
you make me cave in my resolve.
it isn't like you do this
for everyone,
being fiercely
feminist,
you always get your way.

staring at whatever that moves,
horses, ferrets, squirrels, rats.
we couldn't move you, not an inch.
but the way you lean on me,
i know you ain't half as wild
like what they said you to be..

black and white,
border collie with
soft brown eyes.

you want somebody to love
you,
yet you never show.
just like the way i act.
craving
for things that wouldn't last.

perhaps the last, second last or third.
months left to count.
you are the one i care the most
next to the gray and white
kitty cat
call gnome.

shades of black, white and gray.
if its only simple as this way.
colour palettes now i faced,
never seen until today.
how could i choose?
when the two options are
to let love quit
or let me rot.

the road-map on my hand
wrinkle deeply in.
months of travails i been through.
couldn't see things so clearly.
long marks of canine bites
by fellows tinier than my feet.

oh, yes, this is a long journey,
or so it seems,
colours i didn't know exist.
i still couldn't say
i want to stay.
for days i've been wanting
to set me free.
goodbye, i guess, just
won't leave.

to catch the passing wind of my love

between rigid lines i stood. 

steer me close or leave 

me be. 

i couldn't trace 

my steps 

anymore. not the little girl
that squeals 

upon 

approval. i've grown past that. 

a sad fact, yes i know,
in barely a year, i couldn't
walk this path 

anymore. 

new exposure, 

i demand,
new experience, give it 

to me or i will snatch.

we used to be
such a great team, 

the heydays, when

everybody 

is so happy.

the days 

when i proudly claim 

i came 

for the passion. yet now, 

i am just plain 

calculative. 'the pay 

is not high, how could i
survive? with bills 

not paid and tickets to my dream 

not purchased, 

how could i 

afford to stay 

with this meager pay.

my goodness, i claim 

in realization. 

people are leaving 

slowly but surely, 

to follow their dreams,

and to carve

a better love. 

with choices in abundance, 

this is not living 

in wild abandonment.

its not just 

going through the motions,

its about liberation

from the steel bars 

of my mind. 

through the waves of protest,

or yelps of exultation, i will 

subsist, in those days 

to come.

december rain.

angel wings, caressing my eyes.
swimming in the sky.
could one land ahead and save
me from my dilemma.

december sun,
away from the november rain.
what curse it is
the parching land

the sun heat up,
and angel wings clump,
or did they fly off
to their fairyland?

now hanging above,
an ominous grey
threatening
to plunge
my unpleasant mood to
a deeper low.

dilemma

blood clouds hanging low just like the crimson arrows arching from their bow.
the street lights draw elongated shadows on both sides.
the pavement dead in the silent dusk
and this is the routine i run through everyday.
being alone, being so close to myself.
as i stretched and stretched throughout each day,
more and more towards the tipping point i am.
for a place where i once loved and made sacrifices for.
its an irony after all.
how tiresome and how loathsome to be me now.
but who else could i be except for the one i choose to be.
if you see me mourning, stop and ask, for i will tell the story i so hide.
'this is a square inch for someone who left me be.
for she was murdered brutally and Lord creates all ugly things.'
you probbed, 'who is she murdered by and how'
for this, i will answer, 'oh, what tragedy, she was slaughtered by mass media with their unspoken conformist laws.
i will then proceed to exhume the grave, inside you shall see, a wooden box just of a square inch lying snugly in the hole.
you watch me in disbeleief at the tomb.
let me explain all this, 'it is me who did the ritual for myself.
in the box lies my photo, my soul. part of me is dead. breaking into dust and drifting with the wind. till someone pick up the noble dream and live it well for me.
for now, i will set on a journey to replace me, to feel whole again.
don't be disgrace by me. for this is what i sought. i couldn't stay for this is who i am born to be.
apologies for the valleys of disappointment. i, too,
am learning to be myself.
well and healthy, fit and young, this conquest won't stop.
it shan't end this way.

=================================
rain and shine, who will be there throughout?

=================================
i want to think that everything is fine throughout, that i could go on like that, that everything is in perfect balance, that i got what i wanted. maybe, 6 months ago, all was well and fine but now it couldn't stay the same anymore. how could it be when i am growing every single day and things are still the way they are. its not that i don't love them anymore, i still do. just that what they say about love isn't entirely true. reality catches up one day and you realise you have cause such great disappointment to the ones you have love all the while. this isn't fair for them. i could reason that it is not fair for me either. why should i let them dictate my life? but truth is every decision has their woes. i couldn't satisfy everybody. for me, i am different, way different. even if i don't have their genes, i still have their blood. each inch of flesh and skin, every touch and feel don't belong wholly to me. for the whole song of their lives, they have dedicated it to me. i couldn't be so selfish. i want to be heartless this very much. i want to go and don't run back. i want to take flight towards my dream. but truth is, i still owe them. no matter which part of the earth i flee to, there still be a part of me calling out to them. even if it is just out of the sheer drudgery of responsibility, i wouldn't be able to flee from it. this is what is encoded in my heritage. i couldn't shun. this, i have to embrace the truth that they keep throwing onto me. consensus have to be made but fear not for i won't betray my soul. they think what i do is useless, but even a cent is worth something. i won't halt my heels, for it doesn't justify for it. instead i just change my course. i will break it now, let them learn the truth soon enough. i will see who i am soon enough.

============================
nothing is definite

its too much.

how could you, when we put our trust on your knowledge. you didn't abide by the ethics that you took an oath for. you didn't do what you could. a life so small just didn't matter to you isn't it. its just like a replica of the dozens over that you see on the street. but you are cruel even if you head the morally sound. you couldn't drop your ego, the burden of your ignorance. just let it be. your pretense of concern. drop it. we could see through your reluctance when you pass the death verdict. just a bit of this sweet tonic could revive his weakest link. that is all he needed, yet you are such an adroit illusionist. there's no hope, i seen this scene one too many a time, when he got to go, he got to go, don't let him suffer any more, you comforted us. its just like us human to hasten what the nature bring, to accelerate the outcome. so much for that. you disappoint us all.

the curious and curious-est.

i once heard a story so curious its atrocious not to share. For this revolves around two interesting creatures, a ferret and a squirrel.

on this curious day, cry the ferret, 'oh my little brother, what Time has done? you are so weathered in bruises, i shan't let harm come your way anymore.'

just as he ended his monologue, he fell asleep, hugging his little brother close, for fear of evil creeping close to it. it was then, this squirrel, notoriously known as skittles, aptly named for his boundless energy and mischief, stood close by.

'i shall live up to my name,' the squirrel thought aloud, spreading a contemptuous glance across his face.

now, now, now, everybody knows the ferret treasured his little brother so and all heard of how easily the little brother had been victimized. this will be an easy strike, the squirrel contemplated. and there he went, for a body so small, the squirrel packed a fierce bite upfront. this strike off the sleepiness of the dear ferret. screams and shrieks from the ferret only enhances the perverseness of the squirrel, who hanged tight with the excitement of a sword unsheathed close to the neck. it almost caused fatality had not the ferret's little brother wriggle from his vindictive holder.

hearing trouble, the squirrel lightning away, for his four limbs were blessed by the mischief god to flee from all the scenes of devilry. the sweet little ferret was too in no mood for vengeance.

he simply stood there, clutching his little brother's head so close, lamenting, 'oh Time, what cruelty you are, you played us out too a-many time yet we never have defied you. to slacken the grip you must. come see for yourself, my little brother's head so covered in scarlet, the trace of your vicious claws. you must not take him away, your generosity i will praise for generations to come. however, if you were of a cruel nature, i will not take any more allowance from you.'

Time is a nihilist, for there is nothing to Time that could exist perpetually and consistently like Time itself. its the ultimate machinery that nobody could fight, one could deceive oneself of the flow of Time but never deceive Time itself. Time never hasten, never pause, it goes and goes till the end of world.

still, Time will answer those who question about the nature of Time, 'oh little one, could you not see that i have work of higher importance than the one you are carrying? his time is not up but be warned that when he is to go, so will it be for you. this is no less and no more than you wish for. and know that it is not the wrath of time that shattered your soul but merely the work of it. for time knows no emotions. it could not feel thus it couldn't be merciful or merciless. this is the important lesson of time. learn it well, my young one, for i have persisted decades and still be misunderstood. know that Time is just, i distribute myself fairly and accordingly among all creatures, big and small, everyday, light and night. don't have woes of me when your Time is up, for it is really you who do not cherish the gift i have lavished and illusioned that you could outlive me. know this well and learn it by heart for this is the story you will live to tell.'

so, this is the tale that i heard from the ferret himself.

alright, i am writing nonsense again. don't know whats up with me this few days but this story is really inspired by a true story. i swear!

i guess too much of arabian nights and alice in wonderland in my mind!

rattle. ignore me.

an empty eye socket,
oh what terror it brings.
the hollow walls and
cover collapsing.

the empty eye socket
to goosebump the seer.
cause you can't see,
no you can't see.

like the feral cat brought into walls,
and the homely set free.
what perplexity it faces,
to face a world so magnified
or so shrunken,
pushing the border of
knowledge of their world.

what confusion it strikes,
not but an empty eye socket.

-----------------------
i want to take off on a shooting star with the feather of an effort.

word. lie. truth.

forgiveness and repentance

today i was taught a lesson
the world we grew up in
is a world of twisted fact
not many value the truth
but treasure those who meant what they speak

this is a world of distorted words
so just hold your tongue
and hear me out
i want to speak the truth
but it bothers me so.
because promises choose to bury it with lies

but now, starting from today,
there will be no more masquerade
let there be emotions so raw, it seared
through the heart
and tears, the exultation of feelings,
not signs of weaknesses
you taught me well and there it is, me
growing strong and well indeed.

still, they ask, what use of words for words so wronged,
language borders, dialogue
causes agony and speech creates war
words become lies too a-many for one to take.
but they are too the art of heart, the way
to others. the true gold when one wield it
not as a sword but a tool of
love.

today i learn a lesson. you taught me well.


--------------------------------
someday, i will find a spot that belongs to me. all mine. i can do whatever i want with no one to judge me. i could dance like a ferret, spin like a wheel, scream like a hysteric, over and over till i collapse. nobody there to see myself except for the sun and the moon to be my soul companion.

ink.

the squid-man, they call
them, the people with their ink.
their canvas stretch and sink
with the melody of the skin.
dogma thrives but not every case true.
for each paints its own story
and their personality,
should it be
uncouth, could it be regrets, may it
even be joy.
which is which, it takes time to see
but only when our arrogance falls.

random thoughts

I am consumed by the gargoyle bravery.
Sinfully, Adamantly, Lackadaisically and Paradoxically,
Like the
Gypsyful town that do no good
within walls.
The evil priest that
preaches righteousness
The lightful night that got
shattered by fiery war
The ingrate savior
The innocent spy
The knight in hideous hide
The beauty and the beast
So and so much more
True ugliness reside in one resentful heart
But Beauty thrives microscopically

-thoughts on notre dame. haha. though i don't really understand what i am trying to say. but words just flow out.

when a dew drops on its ninety-ninth,
would it still not ponder about
the way of life.
to be a dew, for what its worth
its short period on earth.
only seen at dawn when even
birds have yet to stirred

if you ask a dew for what its worth
the mystical and persistent
appearance
it might say the way of life is carried
forth by the simplest term
and that is all is worth.

--------------------

when thought wasn't given to the science of night.
moonlight, twilight, dusk and dawn
which of them hold the darkest secret of them all?
which of them hide shadows
lurking and corners vanishing?
operations of the night,
stealthily and cunningly,
someone stole her body,
and stow it awry.
even till today, she doesn't
belong for her mind reside
somewhere in that night.


somebody propose at the zoo today. so sweet.

indifferent difference

those girls,
go to school,
get their As.

this girl,
quits studying,
chases her dreams

those girls,
dress in pink,
like their heels

this girl,
wears her berms,
dress sloppily

those girls,
met a guy,
fell in love

this girl,
loves the boys
who's a tramp

those girls,
got their certs,
but is clueless

this girl,

who has dreams,
misses nothing

cause her happy little self got everything that the world is to offer.

love live

still, you are the one. for days stretched into years and insomnia lengthens the night. they say it was all history, back to the days of sept 2008. now, if only you say you would love to hold fast to the sacrifices you promised so at joy back then. 2 years forward, the so called oath that you swore by might only hang flimsily at the tip of your tongue but it still moves me so. it still does. bring me to you cause there are many wrongs to be right. let me count not the regrets pertaining to you anymore. you taught me well so let me love you now.

if only you could hear me now...
save me from this pit, for better or for worse, i don't care anymore.




violence bred violence

thanks for everything,

cause its no cinderella and no prince at this ball. they are just dancing around and around in circles hoping for eternal till the magic broke. stripped off any fantasy, the missus ran away sobbing. how could she have reach this pathetic state again? over and over, she fell into this trench that they so obliviously laid for her. they never know how much it hurts. they couldn't be blame, they never know, then she, the one who knows, let it course towards the same pain. cause no matter how hard she fell each time, the wind always bring her up with whispers of the neverland, those of the fairies and those of the tales of courage. for her, its always hard to reject believing something so wonderful. why would she want to do otherwise, to believe that there's no miracles in life? bed of roses, they called it. little did they know, bed of roses - on the surface, everything seems perfect but the deeper you sink in, the more you will feel the thorns. but if she were to shun them all, her life would be plain, plain as the life of the housemaid cinderella when she lived under her stepsisters. probably thats what fairytales are for, to remind that wonderful and beyond the mind miracles could happen no matter how tough the situation is in that moment. so, she believes.


"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

-- In Memoriam:27, 1850, Alfred Lord Tennyson

are you going to wait till the next lifetime?

life too short, so don't waste it on things you don't enjoy
life too short, so don't hang on to vengeance
life too short, so don't hide your love

life too short to attempt fitting in
life too short to spend time pleasing everybody
life too short to agree with everyone else

so if you don't agree with me, please continue to live the life you want and me the way i needed it to be.

life too short to understand it anyway

----------------------------
should you really understand there's no eternality, would you still live the way you live now?

should it not seem more appropriate to spend time contemplating our life purpose than squandering it on mindless material-acquiring business?

is it really worth being busy over it?

if they could all understand, time is just a perspective

although we are able to clock it down to the very milliseconds, time is still subjective.

the eternal suffering and the fleeting joy. cliche as it seems, the truth is such.

cause we as mere mortals try so hard to make sense of everything,

so hard and so much that it kills the wonders of the world.

they will never be able to understand, even if i were to show them, shove the truth right under their upturned nose. they could not or rather they would never pick it up.

my mind just loves to keep itself in knots

stupidity is a word used by those average person who couldn't grasp the imagination of a dreamer and couldn't fathom the wonders of reality. what do you think people say to thomas edison when he vow to light up the world? so too applies to the wright brothers when they proclaim that they will conquer the sky. look what happen to vincent van gogh. little appreciated his work during his lifetime, sold only one out of his mammoth collection of work. live life as a miserable guy, died as a depressed man but today, he is a legend. he is a talent, so as many man today would say. (for i not one to appreciate impressionistic art. i don't even know what the hell is that. i just google his name) his name gets carried across the globe like currents of the sea. still, i wouldn't be wrong to say he is stupid if we try to commensurate his life according to the "fundamentals" of modern society. his is an obsession, so persistent in his pursuit that many would say he is being irresponsible. for all hell cares, he is not earning a stable income (i think), definitely it won't suffice for the retirement, the freaking massive house and all the material possession that many deem as must have. the story of vincent van gogh exemplifies not all achievements could fit into the social norm, let alone being in the "smart" category.

thereby, it is correct to say that there is no stupidity in this amazing world. just another way of accomplishing stuff. its creativity, its the "stupids" who move this world for they don't care about the judgmental stare of those "i'm-so-smart" people. they are the one who dare to try new stuff. honestly, if you are smart just by following the proven and tested, how smart could you be? you are not thinking, not moving out of your own volition. you are just stepping onto tracks that have been left by millions. wow, millions, that really doesn't put you in good light, did it. its like, you are smart, yea, like the other millions on this earth. you are of the same level of intelligence as so many others, so you probably the average? i meant smart generally, not just book smart. i used to be book smart (not those smart smart smart smarty pants but not too bad. and i'm not boasting. haha. maybe just a little. just let me be self-indulgent in my contradictory nature) but what happen? it didn't last. there's no differentiation in intelligence, everybody unique with their own niche in this world. you can be good at this but know zilch about the other. don't stop just because people say it won't work. what the hell do they know?

if you still don't stand by my viewpoint, you are truly idiotic. just kidding. alright, bad joke. probably not a strong argument too. honestly, i don't care (:

i can't fight the moonlight alone

emptiness floods through the wall, causing a huge hole and a wound so deep.
every wounds expose lie solemnly like those of a grave, waiting to be covered with the earth.
yet refusing to vanish entirely with an indication of a stone that protrudes out of the once empty field, reminding people of its existence. its all real, nothing being made up here.
on the stone is the inscription that could only be decoded by me and that meant little to everybody else.
now here in loneliness i stand, contemplating my own emptiness, announcing that this time is dead but memories will live on, pass down from one to another or till i bring it with me six feet under.

why does it always have to end this way?
are you sure you will be coming back? cause i can't trust anybody on that now.
if only you really do ...

===========================
japan, you are almost in for the whole of my march entries. guess i really can't get you out of my head. then the choice left is to go. no more excuses!

prove me wrong. cause i need you to.

i use to think that numbers don't matter but now i see i am just naive. in fact its whats that matter most. how could it be, when i will still be there even if there is only gonna be one. i thought we grew up and its quality that we pursuing but thats not the case. the value of the meeting could only be calibrated through the number of turn ups. is that so? guess our bond did indeed stand so weak.

its falling apart.

now, tear through the lies that i living in. dispel the illusion that we are close just like before. how ludicrous, cause i just realise we have never been. and all those memories, are you insinuating that some things are best kept like it is in ones mind? all our separate lives. the differences that have trickled through all these years forcing us apart, further and further till all we see are speckles across the horizon. is it really going to be so?

its falling apart.

count your blessings

every day, new faces turned out at the obituaries
every moment, there are people suffering heartbreak.
every mishap, somebody going to lose something.

so how could what ive been through be compared to those?
i am in no position to wallow in self-pity.
the world out there, theres people suffering worse, way worse.

and i am glad, for me,
grieve seems to work in singularity.
in contrary, my joy always come in package :D

======================
broken bone is healing well. just have to wait for 3-4 months before the micro fibers?? (if i didn't hear wrongly) become as firm as a bone (:

irrational

love the people who are always there but don't forget those that could never be.
cause the days you aren't here, i going to think of you but i won't be missing you that much.
though so, i still hope we could meet and i couldn't hope more.
then again, there are times we fight and other we let go.
this doesn't make sense anymore.

it doesn't have to.

============================
can't figure out.
ok. this will truly be the last post dedicated to japan /: