being average in my life

i feel like if i were to break down, nobody will care, a lot of time, too many times. i know i am probably wrong because if i were to break down, that is when everyone starts to care. just take a look at any wake, there are so many people. the deceased must be real popular when he/she is alive isn't it? when i can't even count up to 20 for my group of close friends.

i feel like i am lying in a coffin, stifled in pity and tears of others. i want to lay down the strong threshold of my soul, even if it just for a while. let the emotions flood through, so i could shriek hysterically in agony or rend in bereavement or giggling to tears. i want to do all those because it is exhausting from all those resistance.

when i look at others, it seems to me they need no guidance or whatsoever. true, they might not know what they want in life but they seems to have no qualms about living life like that, following the flow, easy does it. even the hardest moment isn't dark matter in the head. make no doubt, i'm talking about school. they could never go wrong with that isn't it? that's what i see.

people retorted, you know nothing about university life, all the failures and disappointment. exams, the ultimate source of the dispirited. it is a daunting event, years or months of study for that one shot, so as to have a distinct line cutting through the creme of the crop and the more average than average students. its their holy grail, being the best, staying up the top. afterall, there is no significant place on earth for the average. they didn't pay huge sum of money and be in debt to be average. most of them didn't but i did.


during primary school, i got a score barely qualified for special courses but opted for an average neighbourhood school. i went on to graduate from this school with 7 'A's but went over to polytechnic. (guess that what most people then see it as the lower option). average average.

during my poly life, i was not even close to the top 30%, let alone 10%. honestly i don't know where i stand among my cohort as we don't get to see our ranking, unlike in primary and secondary school. i was never out of the top 10% till i reach poly. mark my words, never. i was the brilliant student, better than the average but hovering under the top. still, i was never given the limelight, you could say i was just an average.

till poly, i couldn't be more average than i am ever was. throughout. i got no good result, no magnificent CCA records, no high rank held. i am your kind of more average than average poly students. however, being average doesn't grant me indemnity from those bout of worries, meeting deadlines, exams, class tests; thoughts about lunch, surviving a boring lesson, to play or to study during study week and what to eat during lecture. i nailed it down, not the way people want me to and still manage to have lotsa fun.

they all said poly is not even a prelude to university education, its hell and heaven. perhaps, a lot of them make a wake up call to be diligent. no more toying around unless good grades are secured. hopefully they know what they are doing in life and not just making the best out of the worst case scenarios. i can't argue if the student genuinely love what they are studying. i still seeing otherwise, thats why i still think education is a necessary un-necessity. oxymoron. thats education for you.

education is a good idea, all of us should be educated. i can't foresee where we will be without it; hollow souls and pipe dreams. the thing is, the curriculum and the whole concept about "holistic" education, it is bullshit. the educators polish our brain smooth to coat our belief that academic results are most essential to be successful. thats why we couldn't even take a bump.

look back and see how many things you should and want to know but the school didn't proffer. for me, i want to learn flute, drawing, creating a website, more about nature and many many more. you could argue that all these are taught in school but still, they don't come in a bundle in those conventional school.

so much for student life. for now, i am lingering at crossroad, not being decisive enough to cut off from my current situation so as to move towards a money making solution. maybe with higher level of education, i'll be able to make a more informed decision. thats what they think right? the higher the level of education, the more you should know.

so for the students out there burying their head in the sea of books till godforsaken time, i hope you know exactly what you are pursuing.

indifferent difference

those girls,
go to school,
get their As.

this girl,
quits studying,
chases her dreams

those girls,
dress in pink,
like their heels

this girl,
wears her berms,
dress sloppily

those girls,
met a guy,
fell in love

this girl,
loves the boys
who's a tramp

those girls,
got their certs,
but is clueless

this girl,

who has dreams,
misses nothing

cause her happy little self got everything that the world is to offer.

time. timeless.

they all say time is running out, it'll be too late for me to do anything like that. but tell me, what exactly is time. what value does time hold when we have woes of time instead of celebrating the flow of it. rejoice that we are opening our eyes to a brand new day of challenge, give no cheers to the bland state of conformity. be awed that we are reborn every single day and not be bereaved by the loss of yesterday. someone enlightened me, why is it i see so many people indulging in yesterday, fantasizing about tomorrow but not relishing the very day that existed. well i'm not saying its not good to learn from our history and have big dreams. in fact, i'm totally into it but too many people are neglecting the presence of now in exchange for those faraway moments. i meant both yesterday and tomorrow are non-existent, where do they stand in this very minute? too many times, we deflate this particular moment to inflate our past glories and future achievements. but when we don't live in present tense, we would never get what we want. however, say we do get what we want, we quickly relinquish their pleasure by upping the ante for the ransom of time. yes, we are no longer keepers of our own time, we are our very own time-kidnapper. paradoxically, we put our time away from us. yes. this is a crazy world. the one very thing we have in definite, we let it slipped away.

perhaps, we are all taught that we have to work hard for the things we wanted. thus time is a conflicting currency we don't even have to lift a finger to get. spend it generously, spend it wisely. i believe the adage, the best thing in life are free, so is the case for time that the universe dished out for everyone. imagine a world so rich that we don't have hard cash currency, instead wealth is calibrated by time. everyone will be living in abundance, there will be no poverty cause everyone's treasure is the gift of time.

so we have to learn to not be trapped in the loop of time, to not forget the meaning of life and to remember the power of living in the moment.

destination or journey?

result is all they care. like it doesn't matter if you don't learn anything, as long as you can pass well even if it means to get somebody else to do it for you. shit this world. shit this focus. this is one of the reason why i don't go mainstream. whats wrong with you people to think that the destination is more important than the journey. to me destination doesn't really matter. unless you intend to be a blind and hurried tourist trying to take in as much sights as possible. it doesn't matter if you take one month or a year in a place, its the experience that matters; not how much you remember yourself seeing but how much you actually feel and grow out of it.

there's too little care and too little love in this world. what was i hoping, not everyone's a mother theresa, not everyone wants a jane goodall. too many people chooses monetary reward (destination) over the reward of love (journey). skeptics skeptics, can't believe you can't have it both. even if i were to choose, the choice is clear isn't it. are you a destination person or a journey person?

thoughts of a 20

if i could change one thing, i say we all conduct our lives like this: dance to the rhythm of the rain, sing the song of the birds, cry when we feel like it, laugh as we should, smile at a stranger, hug someone you love, mend a broken soul, whatever, do whatever that bring joy to us every single day. live without inhibitions for all the goodness is ours to cultivate and earth is really a paradise we've all been seeking since mankind. we could catch the shooting star, hug the cloud and fly with the wind.

believe this is all possible cause we are all special and living in a magical world.

.

show gratitude to your enemy cause they made forgiving possible
show gratitude to your critic cause they made improvement possible
show gratitude to those skeptic cause they made achieving more worth it
show gratitude to every offensive person in your life unless they inflict intentional intensive injuries or carry out acts of violence on you.

.

I guess they feel so comfortable being a regular 9 to 5-er. How regular is life when you work all your ass out for something you don't love. Probably as long as the annual vacation your office pan out. Maybe you will find spark during this window of opportunity but most, i dare say, remain in their dream state in this pretense of our world. Our world has been misinterpreted by people using vices to seek out gain from others. Consumerism is what it meant to be successful. Even till now it has been ingrained into so many city dwellers. Trading your life for a LV bag and wallet. How classy. The hierarchy of the nature sprang forth as social status in our world. Maybe we all try too hard to put definition into the works of nature. But I say, we ain't getting it through this way. It has been so for generations whereby the influence is uniform. Not till now, I see an open door of light for us. We can choose to awake from our illusion. We can start a revolution for our generation. Well, its not exactly a revolution but more of a return, a search for who we really are within. For this journey, I'm glad to have my extended family with me cause we are all but regular.

.

on its last page, mount kinabalu, sabah, malaysia

.

our job is to advocate love, something education never covers.

staying sane and staying safe is for normal people.
for me, i want to be extraordinary.
i'm not in your right set of mind anyway.

witness

i realise we all made a huge mistake. we try to brand or label our experiences as good and bad; so much so that, it seems plausible to be judgmental of the lives of others. this is not the way i wanted it to be. i wanted others to accept who i am and what i do instead of being a couch-guru. in contrary, after much reflection, i admit i'm actually trying so much to "guide" others. and forgive me, cause it seems so desirable and second to nature. my belief might be a whole different concept of living however, essentially its still all just the same difference. how could i be so insensitive to want to structure the lives of others; its our choice, our passion, our lives. its our individuality that makes this world a unique whole. suppose say, everyone is to do the same thing, i couldn't imagine that. who would know best but deep inside us? our higher self know what we are cut out to be but so many people just tune out of their spiritual talk and tune in to society radio. thats why we stay stagnant, giving ourselves ample reasons to live life like that. thats why we need self-help books when we are on the process of awakening. thats why some people make an informed decision to break free and embark on a spiritual journey.

thats why i'm telling you that you are right whatever you do as long as you are following your own exclusive, real path and not what the society dictates. (i'm presuming that everyone is born compassionate)

do not upon others that not want others to do upon you.

wisdom of nature

if i limit myself to whereby people say i can't, i probably can never achieve much.
i recalled when i was barely 18, i will fantasize about bringing back loads of income, controlling people under the skirt. now i know, i won't want to become the GM who only has 3-4 hours of sleep, downing cans and cans and caffeinated drinks, having to entertain hordes of trivial even during off days, always wearing a perfunctory smile and being wary of others. this is an exhausting and unfulfilled life. unless circumstances demand, i wouldn't trade my current life view for anything.

we share the same dream

life's amazing. today i am impressed. this girl, 22, i met at the zoo bus stop via my office lady. she is daring and spontaneous in pursuing her dream. studied in private diploma school. didn't earn a cent before graduation. upon graduation, holds her first job in a managerial position in retail section. after that, moving onwards to build her CV. experience 5 jobs of different nature within a short time span of 1 and a half year. and now, she's at the night safari.

finally some one agrees that qualification ain't everything, life is. no matter how backwards one falls in terms of their education level, they could still made up for it in other ways. what good is a scholar if he/she doesn't know how to handle the vicissitudes of life.

the issue with us, i guess, is that we are all searching for the perfect life. thing is, there's no such thing as a perfect life. one has to make choices. choices signifies sacrifices. sacrifices might lead to regrets. so how could life ever be perfect when presented with such spectrum of decisions; loss and gain? the perfect life could only exist only if one live in ignorance and avoidance.

but on a lighter note, one could have their ideal life. ideal by making an informed choice of letting go and dedicating their work towards their goal, tipping the scale more towards gain than loss. what are our priorities? what do we really live for? is it really worth it to be in that high paying but soul sucking job? is it really necessary to acquire that label? to me, leading an ideal life do and could means letting go of anything, even if it is high in controversy; the 7 years lover, the opportunity for higher education or even the trade in of a promotion for an exotic job. everyone is different in their needs, personality and passion. that's why one decision that seems logically or socially wrong feels so right to the other.

on my way home, cycling in the rain, brought me back to the time when i just graduated from secondary school. caught in a similar weather, a kind uncle offered to share his umbrella across the road. he queried about my decision upon graduation, jc or poly? my answer, poly, maybe engineering. his reply, well, engineering you can get very high starting pay as compared to other fresh graduate but the pay increment really sucks. in contrast, for business student, the starting pay is lower but you can see no limit in terms of monetary rewards. as a 16 year old, i seriously ponder about his advise. but now, 4 years of growing up, if i were to be in the same situation, i would speak boldly of my aspirations cause storing money isn't passion but having a passion could bring in money, which could be in term use to fuel the passion. its an irony that people who earn so much seems more reluctant to part with their money in areas of personal growth.

here, i shall share the life of a guy who i met at SPCA. he's 18 but already with a list of achievements. he is teaching drama to primary school kids, acted in a local production. represent a hotel for this inter-hotel tennis competition (if i didn't recall wrongly) through the recommendation of his coach. is a lead singer for a band and producer or song writer for another. got into criminology at the age of 14 by submitting an essay and passing an interview. but dropped out as he doesn't want to be seem as a child prodigy. is a journalist. apparently he has got an IQ of 170++. waiting to be admitted to lasalle at that point of time. and the best thing is, he doesn't look like a geek. he looks like the typical ah beng, piercing, cap and berms with a bit too much of the english feel. he had a pet snake and tarantula which he fed them rodents. yuck and bloody. (one of my ex-colleague, who is pretty impressive too, used to have a pet scorpion. wth! next time i shall keep a pet ant colony. lol.) he could be bragging and lying but i choose not to doubt. whats the point, i rather be impressed than to be suspecting and jealous. face the truth, we all heard about the 4 year old uni kid and the baby who is chosen as a reincarnation of god, so whats wrong with having a 14 year old uni kid here?

to sum up, i really have got a wonderful life and is heading towards ideal.
- a close to dream and already satisfying and rewarding job (and the pay good too)
- a cosy bed in my homely abode
- a vehicle (bicycle)
- passion fueling life
- the ability to keep on dreaming and achieving what i really want and not what society dictates (prove me wrong that most people do whats expected of them)

at the end of the day, i don't see myself as how much lesser i am as compared to the others but as how much more i could grow into.

the flexi me(:

i wonder what will be their reaction should they know the truth. sometimes its better to not know (: so excited!!!

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whats really important in this society is for people to know that it is okay to make mistakes, as long as it doesn't hurt any being, instead of binding ourselves with the fear of failure. the real mistake lies in believing that doing the "wrong" stuff could never be right. i think since kids, we achieve most in life while we play, venture into the unknown, even from the picking ourselves up after a fall. if this is the way we conduct ourselves everyday, every moment provides a window of opportunity to learn and grow towards our individuality.

are you still growing?

the disturbing thing is to learn that people find it comforting to stick with their old regimental beliefs even though they have moved on to another stage of life.

like i always say, if you have the same thinking as you have three years back, then you have not grow at all. thats why people goes, "if i knew what i know now back then, i be better off now"

----------------
on a sidenote,
one of the keepers at the other dept tells us to get a life, its so late and we are still working. then again, THIS IS LIFE!! great company and exposure. laughing till you feel like its a challenge to keep that oreo in your mouth. getting harmless nags from colleague. getting slap by a rooster. doing all the stupid little things. simply put,
I LOVE MY JOB!

are you going to wait till the next lifetime?

life too short, so don't waste it on things you don't enjoy
life too short, so don't hang on to vengeance
life too short, so don't hide your love

life too short to attempt fitting in
life too short to spend time pleasing everybody
life too short to agree with everyone else

so if you don't agree with me, please continue to live the life you want and me the way i needed it to be.

life too short to understand it anyway

----------------------------
should you really understand there's no eternality, would you still live the way you live now?

should it not seem more appropriate to spend time contemplating our life purpose than squandering it on mindless material-acquiring business?

to hell with this scientific life

i just hate the way they talk like they know what is best for you. just like that. as if money is directly proportional to happiness. thats what they think. just like that. truth is relative. truth is just perspective of individuals. to hell with all their ideas.

they could never break me down, not a particle, not a molecule. they could never hold me down, not a fledgling. i will take off, someday, somehow to show them the flight, the flight of my truth.

wedding dinner. relatives. objections.

they say so like i didn't know i have other choices.

they make it sounds like i was wearing blinkers.

they didn't know, i wasn't blind and i wasn't oblivious.

i was looking around but they, in reality, are the ones who could only see what lies ahead.

what i think is that they couldn't achieve what they want and they are pushing it unto me, to shoulder their responsibilities. i couldn't be a shadow and they aren't the light. if i had to, i will crawl across this earth in the dark, at least so it appears to them.

no matter what, i will subsist

sometimes, i think ppl will accept me more easily if i were not who i am today. there will definitely be lesser conflict but does that justify for a change?

the voices drone on in my head: be more ladylike, get a decent job - office style, go for university straight after graduation, go overseas with a tour group, stop bbq-ing my skin, speak softly and the list just goes on. you see how much i have to change if i were to satisfy everybody. i am different and i have changed, ceased to exist as that wimp. so? does that make me a stranger to you?

honestly, will it make everybody happy if i were to fit in the "norm"? and the main point is, does it hurt your every bone to see me behaving the way i am? if not, why are you so insistent in destroying me by moulding all of me into that minature casket?

==================================
you might know the answers but you don't know me.


i should be studying. sian..
and i probably spend too much time blogging. yea. no life. whee~

this beautiful beast

i curse the person who stole my handphone relentlessly
i say it straight in your face if you are talking way too much
i criticize explicitly leaving no room to retreat

though so, don't expect me to even attempt to fit into your definition of lady
cause i hate to disguise myself under those tresses and mannerisms
and i never want to pretend that i love everything about anybody
i have no wish to be part of this masquerade

i don't deny i am ugly like that
but this is why i am also as beautiful as i could be.

second chance

i so sick of this shit. i don't want to know how i am able to get funding from the government. i don't want to set up a business. i not interested in doing a resume for some freaking soul draining work. coming up with a spreadsheet is not going to help me in anything.

its so difficult to find a job i want. whatever keyword i put they just give me search result for admin assistant/bank/office or its outdated. honestly, singapore could have do so much so much better. if this place only need people to do all these kind of documentation, i could do more else where. tons more. and i am just starting to find this freaking place interesting. yet again, got cut off with a boring full stop. shut the hell up. get lost. freak. irritated. open up your mind. people. see the world. stop cooping yourself in some brainless cubicle. for goodness sake. u catch animal and trap them inside some stifling cages. you got so addicted to it that you doing it to yourself. idiots. shit.

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. fuck.

i will. am. have.

i have been pondering about who i am.
i can see that i am different.
and i should have known earlier.
being who i truly am
is lonely and disconcerting at times,
for it is a long path in solitary.
i never belong here.
and i don't see the need to be.

but still i don't get it.
why does it always have to be you should, you must and you have to.
instead of i want, i can and i believe.
why can't people just accept me as who i am.
i feel like collapsing through the constant battle
of expanding these rigid societal norms.
don't constrict me. don't attempt to change me.
cause this is never going to be right.

there won't be a he, she, them or you.
its going to be revolving around me.
for it is really about me.
i don't want to be caught in another identity crisis.
a wise man once said
if i be you, then who be me.
so now for who i am, i would be.
then again, who am i?

==================================
cold night. cat. wait. return. stay. don't go. please. always.
all i want for x'mas is a maxi dress!!

hide no more

today, they talked about university admission. i guess its everybody top priority now to secure a place in their desirable university. well, almost everybody. my graduation plans? i don't know. i lied. there are lots of negative feedback and disparaging comments already. enough is enough.

it doesn't really matter what they think of me anymore. it doesn't matter now, not even what you think of me. these few years, i have been hiding, hiding from all things that i should have taken responsibility. for the sake of you, i try to put everything behind. when i can't, i run away and hide, never to confront the problem.

i know you hated the things that i loved and did since i was a kid. we are different in every ways, don't you see? i can't get you luxurious car or fanciful home, at least thats what i foresee. the american dream is your ideal lifestyle, its not mine. i couldn't carry it with me anymore. i wish to do the things that i genuinely want. rest assured that i know what i am doing. i am not a kiddo anymore, no longer the child who has to be hushed everytime she fell.

if i do fall now, i will stand on my feet and continue onwards. i wish i have known these earlier. its a waste that you have never taught me this. all i remember is you reprimanding me to not do the "stupid" stuffs again. have i not been who i am today, i could have been a hermit or a coward, for thats who you have taught me to be.

though so, i still love you, love you not for what you do but for who you are. believe me, i really do.

this is what i am made of

the world isn't flat. theres so many paths that one can take. off the beaten road or those streaming with cubiclelised zombie and of course there are still ppl out there who are passionate about their job.

[zombie: a mindless 9-to-5er. they set off from their "cave" early and leave the "battlefield" late. they have almost zero exposure to sunlight. they are only forced to step into the sunlight in order to move to their feeding ground when their need for the routine lunch arises. in order to minimise the damage inflicted by the sunlight and to find the best feeding spot, they bolted, scurried and raced with fellow zombies. (sgporeans are one with the fastest walking rate. congrats! we want first for most of the stuffs right? we are always hurrying off to everywhere but ending up in nowhere ultimately) and yes, like any other breed of zombies, they are the most active at night, "finishing off" somebody or getting themselves "finished". they find almost no thrill in life but succumb to their pathetic state]

so why limit ourselves to others restrictive mindset? u want to bind and strap me to those so-called lucrative achievements that i would nv be contented with? not so possible. its ok to be selfish and different for the sake of my dreams. if not tell me how do we come up with aircraft and electricity? its cause they ignore all those ridicules from those skeptics. its cause they know what they are after. its cause those ppl pursue their dreams relentlessly.

so why do we not dream? so why do we let others define whats good or not for us when we are the one truly aware of the answer? so why not start now?