Saturday, December 25, 2010

today is the day i will say goodbye

today is not a good day to talk because

today i cried the whole day;
today i walked in the rain and  you will think that it is insensible;
today i haven't think of how to start the topic;
today not everybody will be there to listen;
today you wouldn't be in the mood to hear me out.

today will not be a good day, maybe tomorrow i will be better prepared.
the tomorrow that i am ready for the worst will never come.
everyday will be a today, thats all i know

and i want you to know, if not today, then when?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

wing in wonderland

I wish we could run into each other arms and find ourselves in a perfect fit that we never have known before. the warmth flowing from you to me and making its way back to you again. finding ourselves with this heart to heart connection. we could just stay like there forever. you breathing in the smell of my hair, and me feeling the security of your chest.

just let me keep dreaming until reality drags me up.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

what keeps you afloat could pull you down, spiraling downwards. entanglement in this weave of dreams.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

this feel like in the valley of wrong.

ambling in the rain, i couldn't help but think how limp i have been. i couldn't be like the sun, scorching and harsh yet gentle and merciful at time. nor could i be the rain, thunderstorm, drizzle, hurricane; bringing flood, striking fear and cowering people. however they are still so much celebrated, irrigation, farming, drinking water, bringing life; look how the plants sway, rustling in tune with their life giver and how the flowers beam, dancing and flaunting their dresses.

forces of the nature, singing their song uniquely every single day, bestowing growth yet destroying life at the same time. destruction of old give rise to a newly born. this is how the universe operates to achieve balance. i should have learned earlier that this is the cycle of the world, i can't defy it. yet i felt rotten to feel this disintegration inside of me. under scrutiny, my very own, maybe harsh critic.

i am not backing away from everybody. this is just what it seems when i am following my dreams. to the light or even to the shadow, this is a pathway to no limitations. i don't wish to be abandoned, its just that i feel human are by nature forgetful. perhaps upon my return, i have only myself as my companion. no friends, no family, no love. i know how much i am sacrificing. trust me, i given it much thoughts, without sacrifice there can't come an achievement.

i just hope this phase of destruct passes soon.

emblazon on my name, the certainty to take flight.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

the impish cat

so thats what it is all about.
an act of love in exchange for a bite and a scratch.
but you didn't leave it deep despite your frustration.
i know how it is, to live
in a cage. bored stiffed.
only with companions and nothing much
to do. nibbling and chewing.
fabrics, paper, and gunny sack.
whichever is to your preference.

perhaps that is all for the departure and the neglect.
all the confusion and decision.
maybe you don't know though i believed animals
know beforehand and are intellectual. spiritual even.
the books i read, they show nothing less.
i still love you. i really do.
i crave to bring you home and lie snugly beside.
you will be a great friend, a lap cat.
nothing more that i could wish for.

but i can't. this goodbye will take a little while.
but never a while enough.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

its a lifetime of choices

life. time. most of them said i'm wasting it. wasting it by working at the zoo for more than half a year. wasting it by not settling down with a "decent" job. wasting it like i have been those apathetic kids getting high on pot.

do they truly know what it means when it comes to wasting life? i tell you what i know by wasting life. you are wasting life by getting stuck in doing things that you utterly hate and see no delight or passion in the outcome. you are wasting life by being a couch potato, stuck to those tv advertisement that assure you that you could get a perfect body down popping some pills and continue slouching in you couch. wasting it means you swear by your resolution each year and continue being stuck to the endless loops of incessant drama that goes by the hollywood formula. wasting life means knowing that you are stuck and doing nothing about it.

no. i don't want to be that big-fat-fugly-bottom heavy-hideous-caffeine driven-sleep deprived-long expired life monstrosity on a top chair. it just doesn't justify to trade my life for thirty years of slogging. i don't know about you but i'm sure my life don't come cheap. 9 months of development. 20 years of growth. and still counting. surely you can't delude me to think that its alright to down value and down play my life once i reach 20 because that is how the society dictates.

you just gonna make it sounds like i am some irresponsible brat that doesn't spare a thought to others, having no notion the things that i am advocating whatsoever. no denial, you guys all do, i can hear it through the condescending tone in your voice. you can pretend to be high and noble around me all you want, like i'm the delinquent here waiting for life judgment. yes, i make mistakes throughout my whole life, i break a bone, break a heart, got myself into pieces. admit it, who doesn't have issues with the choices they made or affairs of life? we are of a heart beating in a soulful capsule. we can't deny our multi-faceted personality. being one this day, acting the other for another situation. for survival its necessary.

you can mark me down for all you want, if it makes you feel better when i am gone. if you don't celebrate my cause, then why should i bother my life with you? many times, i think it is better to let things go then to maintain a relationship turns sour. it tires both parties.

i'm sorry but this time i am really going. there is nothing that would stop me now. i don't need a permission slip and i am not looking for your approval. even though i will be elated to have your blessings and best wishes, everything will still go on fine without it. i will pack my self and leave my burden here. no i will throw my burden away and unpacked my life somewhere. this is just me and who i choose to be, i can only be me, myself. i can't live as an imaginary me that you have expected. people do change, you guys just have to accept and embrace it.

life.time. i gonna have the time of my life.
===========================
all i want for x'mas is a dslr!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Young Entrepreneur Award 2010

gonna try for this! hopefully i can finish my proposal on time. 6 days to write a business proposal! can i do it? 

Thursday, December 9, 2010

painting the last shred of zoo with you in mind

nudging close, nosing through
below my armpit.
lying almost on my lap,
resting so blissfully.
you make me cave in my resolve.
it isn't like you do this
for everyone,
being fiercely
feminist,
you always get your way.

staring at whatever that moves,
horses, ferrets, squirrels, rats.
we couldn't move you, not an inch.
but the way you lean on me,
i know you ain't half as wild
like what they said you to be..

black and white,
border collie with
soft brown eyes.

you want somebody to love
you,
yet you never show.
just like the way i act.
craving
for things that wouldn't last.

perhaps the last, second last or third.
months left to count.
you are the one i care the most
next to the gray and white
kitty cat
call gnome.

shades of black, white and gray.
if its only simple as this way.
colour palettes now i faced,
never seen until today.
how could i choose?
when the two options are
to let love quit
or let me rot.

the road-map on my hand
wrinkle deeply in.
months of travails i been through.
couldn't see things so clearly.
long marks of canine bites
by fellows tinier than my feet.

oh, yes, this is a long journey,
or so it seems,
colours i didn't know exist.
i still couldn't say
i want to stay.
for days i've been wanting
to set me free.
goodbye, i guess, just
won't leave.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

to catch the passing wind of my love

between rigid lines i stood. 
steer me close or leave 
me be. 
i couldn't trace 
my steps 
anymore. not the little girl
that squeals 
upon 
approval. i've grown past that. 
a sad fact, yes i know,
in barely a year, i couldn't
walk this path 
anymore. 
new exposure, 
i demand,
new experience, give it 
to me or i will snatch.

we used to be
such a great team, 
the heydays, when
everybody 
is so happy.
the days 
when i proudly claim 
i came 
for the passion. yet now, 
i am just plain 
calculative. 'the pay 
is not high, how could i
survive? with bills 
not paid and tickets to my dream 
not purchased, 
how could i 
afford to stay 
with this meager pay.

my goodness, i claim 
in realization. 
people are leaving 
slowly but surely, 
to follow their dreams,
and to carve
a better love. 

with choices in abundance, 
this is not living 
in wild abandonment.
its not just 
going through the motions,
its about liberation
from the steel bars 
of my mind. 
through the waves of protest,
or yelps of exultation, i will 
subsist, in those days 
to come.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

december rain.

angel wings, caressing my eyes.
swimming in the sky.
could one land ahead and save
me from my dilemma.

december sun,
away from the november rain.
what curse it is
the parching land

the sun heat up,
and angel wings clump,
or did they fly off
to their fairyland?

now hanging above,
an ominous grey
threatening
to plunge
my unpleasant mood to
a deeper low.

Monday, December 6, 2010

breadtalk-X ducktour-X recruit express-? lucas-?

i set afoot with the sun beaming overhead, with my mood reflected high up in the sky
of the most pleasant shade of blue and clouds with their wide array of tutus
strutting the slow dance of life.
full of hope and feel of invincibility i
gait two steps as one, eager to reach, dying to please.

little did i know i was walking
straight to disappointment by my delusions.
"just 2 months?" they appalled
"what is worthy enough of you? nothing at all." they insinuate.

its all so diplomatic, thinking that i would thrive
on such false hope. 
"thank you very much". for showing me the true
 nature of myself.
2 months aren't enough
for me to be of any good use.

first time. second time. me. just another fellow.
i return with a trudge, defeated like the mood
of the grey
that cries raindrops.

i need my dubious change. it wasn't so
clear at first but now it is.
give it to me. not an escapade. not a betrayal,
just a goodbye brought earlier.

i'm still sorry.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

chasing the storm

 

it gotta take a superman to sweep me off my feet



"Somewhere after midnight, in my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I need a hero ... he got to be larger than life"

-- Holding Out For A Hero, Bonnie Tyler

oldies rock!! lol.

being average in my life

i feel like if i were to break down, nobody will care, a lot of time, too many times. i know i am probably wrong because if i were to break down, that is when everyone starts to care. just take a look at any wake, there are so many people. the deceased must be real popular when he/she is alive isn't it? when i can't even count up to 20 for my group of close friends.

i feel like i am lying in a coffin, stifled in pity and tears of others. i want to lay down the strong threshold of my soul, even if it just for a while. let the emotions flood through, so i could shriek hysterically in agony or rend in bereavement or giggling to tears. i want to do all those because it is exhausting from all those resistance.

when i look at others, it seems to me they need no guidance or whatsoever. true, they might not know what they want in life but they seems to have no qualms about living life like that, following the flow, easy does it. even the hardest moment isn't dark matter in the head. make no doubt, i'm talking about school. they could never go wrong with that isn't it? that's what i see.

people retorted, you know nothing about university life, all the failures and disappointment. exams, the ultimate source of the dispirited. it is a daunting event, years or months of study for that one shot, so as to have a distinct line cutting through the creme of the crop and the more average than average students. its their holy grail, being the best, staying up the top. afterall, there is no significant place on earth for the average. they didn't pay huge sum of money and be in debt to be average. most of them didn't but i did.


during primary school, i got a score barely qualified for special courses but opted for an average neighbourhood school. i went on to graduate from this school with 7 'A's but went over to polytechnic. (guess that what most people then see it as the lower option). average average.

during my poly life, i was not even close to the top 30%, let alone 10%. honestly i don't know where i stand among my cohort as we don't get to see our ranking, unlike in primary and secondary school. i was never out of the top 10% till i reach poly. mark my words, never. i was the brilliant student, better than the average but hovering under the top. still, i was never given the limelight, you could say i was just an average.

till poly, i couldn't be more average than i am ever was. throughout. i got no good result, no magnificent CCA records, no high rank held. i am your kind of more average than average poly students. however, being average doesn't grant me indemnity from those bout of worries, meeting deadlines, exams, class tests; thoughts about lunch, surviving a boring lesson, to play or to study during study week and what to eat during lecture. i nailed it down, not the way people want me to and still manage to have lotsa fun.

they all said poly is not even a prelude to university education, its hell and heaven. perhaps, a lot of them make a wake up call to be diligent. no more toying around unless good grades are secured. hopefully they know what they are doing in life and not just making the best out of the worst case scenarios. i can't argue if the student genuinely love what they are studying. i still seeing otherwise, thats why i still think education is a necessary un-necessity. oxymoron. thats education for you.

education is a good idea, all of us should be educated. i can't foresee where we will be without it; hollow souls and pipe dreams. the thing is, the curriculum and the whole concept about "holistic" education, it is bullshit. the educators polish our brain smooth to coat our belief that academic results are most essential to be successful. thats why we couldn't even take a bump.

look back and see how many things you should and want to know but the school didn't proffer. for me, i want to learn flute, drawing, creating a website, more about nature and many many more. you could argue that all these are taught in school but still, they don't come in a bundle in those conventional school.

so much for student life. for now, i am lingering at crossroad, not being decisive enough to cut off from my current situation so as to move towards a money making solution. maybe with higher level of education, i'll be able to make a more informed decision. thats what they think right? the higher the level of education, the more you should know.

so for the students out there burying their head in the sea of books till godforsaken time, i hope you know exactly what you are pursuing.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

approval for work permit

heavenly bliss crept up my cheeks and flood through the gatekeeper of tears. this is how simple things could make me blissful. perhaps not so simple, still this call for a celebration.

thunderstorm on the landscape of my heart

suffer through the thunder. the lightning strikes through. all you ask me to see but all i can see is naught. the downpour clouds even the strongest sight. lightning splits and thunder clashes, it reflects the turmoil in one's heart. stuck at the place of a bare shelter, with hope zooming past to outrun the storm. this is probably a cleansing to devote myself. if you may, pray for those on the roads to escape the perils. the lightning collides and the thunder rummages. through the many hearts that require this strong washdown.

i won't give myself up

people look at me with envy, "you know what you want, you have got what you wish for.' 

they thought it is easy for me, figuring out exactly what to do. they thought i am really lucky to be among the few who could pull it off, this kind of lifestyle, which everyone wish for. having a job you love, going traveling to where ever the world calls out. more often than not, i have to make really huge sacrifices in every aspect, something so essential they missed out. 

years ago, i am no different from anyone else. just wanted a high pay job, probably a corporate job, cubicle prisoner. this would satisfy everyone else, almost everyone else, all except for me. the change came when i was let in a glimpse of all these "prestigious" job, i learned, fell hard and learned the true value of my life. 

if i myself don't give myself a voice, nobody will. nobody can be bothered with it. i could be the plain jane the office mule and made no controversial choices. but the fact is, this is not me. a far-cry from what i want in life. 

i want to be proud of myself. i want to speak of my life with glories, not to impress. simply just to have no regrets. yes it is that simple. i want to believe life is full of possibility. i want to lead an enriching life. most importantly, i want to be myself, truly myself, over and over again. only this, would i be able to rejoice in my existence even if nobody else is going to celebrate it. 

i want to spread ecstasy like the sun, enveloping the surrounding with energy, the gentle and loving energy. in no way do i wish my lifestyle to burn away others. even though it is what that is happening to the other. my pursuit truly disgrace them. i am not remorseful, i did nothing wrong, rob no one and not touch a soul awry.

i want to love, like i know i am capable of. i want to embrace this world. i crave and yearn for the love that so belonging to me and yet eludes me now. i will give myself a chance even if the world denied for there is no greater sin than passing the death sentence during life to oneself. 

another chance, another belief, another love. this life, this is me. 

Sunday, November 28, 2010

downtime

dear me,

Remember those days? those days when we could stay charged up the whole day. those were the days of invincibility. when we could do whatever we wanted. i can't get it anymore. my once ago passion has been sapping me dry now i don't feel whole anymore. all i wanted was for march to come quickly again.


dear me, i've been called defiant and unfilial too one time too much. does your dream cause you so much? i don't know about your judgment but i still think it is worth it. next year is the year of harvest and too those of the insult. let me take a break so that i could continue holding me up. i couldn't afford anyone putting me together. i don't want part of my heart to be so far away from me anymore.

dear me, how could i loathe and love myself so much. what paradox. fetch me from faraway.

rgds,
crestfallen me

Friday, November 26, 2010

life's motto

life's great affair is to keep moving.

steal my breath. i will live for that moment.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Malinger: (v) to avoid work by pretending to be ill

Phantasmagoria: (n) a confused, changing strange scene like something from a dream

Martinet: (n) someone who is very strict and makes people obey rules exactly

Jaunt: (n) a short journey for pleasure

Maelstrom: (n) 1. a situation full of uncontrollable events or strong emotions that make people feel weak or frightened 2. a violent storm 


Ignoramus: (n) someone who does not know about things that most people know about


Ignoble: (adj) ignoble thoughts, feelings, or actions are ones that you should feel ashamed or embarrassed about

Cavalier:: (adj) not caring or thinking about other people's feeling


Somnambulist: (noun) someone who walks while they are asleep

Viscous: (adj) a viscous liquid is thick and sticky and does not flow easily

food (or cash) for thought

"Recently the Singapore Straits Times reported proudly : “SINGAPORE ranks fourth globally and second in Asia Pacific in terms of average personal wealth, according to the inaugural global wealth report by Credit Suisse Research.
Average wealth per adult in Singapore has grown strongly in the last decade, rising from US$105,000 (S$137,100) per adult to over US$250,000 in 2010, supported by a period of strong domestic economic growth and asset price increases.”(Oct 8th).
The caption, is to my mind, misleading, while the skimpy ST report conveniently ignores more vital information in the Credit Suisse Report about Singapore.
What the state media didn’t tell was the report mentions that only 3.6% of the surveyed population (4 million Singaporeans &PRs) are wealthy, owning more than a half million dollars, while 2.4% have USD1000 or less. The majority (55%) have wealth between USD10,000 and 100,000 (obviously owning HDB flats), and another 23% whose wealth is estimated at between USD1,000 and 10,000. About 16% fall between USD100,000 and 588,000. So the million dollar question is – which Singaporeans are 2nd richest in Asia and 4th richest in the world?
For the record, Singapore’s median wealth per adult, which is a more meaningful measure, actually stands at just US$30,092. That means half the population has USD 30,000 or less as household wealth. This is a huge difference from the average wealth figure. People at the top end of the wealth average have so much wealth that it skews the average to almost ten times the median. Most other countries do not have such bad skewing, including US (whose average is 5x its median), India (3.8x), France (3.8x), Indonesia (3.6x), Taiwan (3.1x), UK (2.9x), China (2.7x), Australia (2.6x), Canada (2.4x) and Japan (2x).
Further, if we consider the fact that most Singaporeans would have a sizeable amount of their savings in their CPF, the median disposable wealth per adult would be significantly lower.
It is interesting to note that in contrast to classical financial institutions’ definition, of wealth as the amount of “investable assets”, Credit Suisse defines wealth as the value of financial assets plus non-financial assets (principally housing) owned by individuals less their debts. Based on this definition to start with, can the majority of Singaporeans really claim to be “wealthy” when even the HDB flat we live in is only leased to us and most lessees have a mortgage to pay for the greater part of their life.
The study states that household wealth in Singapore grew steadily and vigorously during the past decade, rising from USD 105,000 at the outset to more than USD 250,000 at the end. Interestingly, this increase was due to domestic growth and asset price increases. But wait. How did our “assets” grow in value? That too, exponentially? Remember the selective statistics used to show that HDB flats were affordable? According to the Credit Suisse report, just over 20 per cent of the adult population in Singapore has over US$100,000 in financial and non-financial assets.
Another interesting fact about the study is its analyses are based on adult populations. The report puts the total number of adults in Singapore at four million. Unfortunately the numbers don’t tally. There are not that many adult Singaporeans, according to Singstat. The latest figures indicate that Singapore’s total resident population of citizens and permanent residents, aged 15 and up, is 3,117,300.
Now coming back to median wealth in Singapore. Where do we stand in world rankings? The median wealth is higher in at least 25 countries. Here they are: Singapore is at the bottom of this table


"

-- Singapore 2nd richest in Asia?, The Temasek Review

well said. see how screwed our economy is and how ridiculous the disparity is? could you explain why are we suppressed to the poor cycle while the rich get humongous rich? aren't we suppose to be the first world country whereby our rich-poor ratio shouldn't be in such exaggerating figures? somehow i feel "our assets" are making us poor, tying us down to our country and being cash-strap while looking superficially rich to other countries? educated finance student pls enlighten me. (no sarcasm intended)

no wonder ppl have to work till they die. cause all our money seemingly goes to the faggot-ly rich and powerful. i don't know but this model seems to me like an singapore economy is an epitome of how the first class countries are making use of the cheap labour of the third world to gain loads of profits while depriving them of what they deserve for their hard work. just that both the first class citizens and third world dweller exist in the very same plane. mcdonalds in singapore is one such "country".
stars are out.
its midnight, so look to the first star and make a wish~

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

dilemma

blood clouds hanging low just like the crimson arrows arching from their bow.
the street lights draw elongated shadows on both sides.
the pavement dead in the silent dusk
and this is the routine i run through everyday.
being alone, being so close to myself.
as i stretched and stretched throughout each day,
more and more towards the tipping point i am.
for a place where i once loved and made sacrifices for.
its an irony after all.
how tiresome and how loathsome to be me now.
but who else could i be except for the one i choose to be.
if you see me mourning, stop and ask, for i will tell the story i so hide.
'this is a square inch for someone who left me be.
for she was murdered brutally and Lord creates all ugly things.'
you probbed, 'who is she murdered by and how'
for this, i will answer, 'oh, what tragedy, she was slaughtered by mass media with their unspoken conformist laws.
i will then proceed to exhume the grave, inside you shall see, a wooden box just of a square inch lying snugly in the hole.
you watch me in disbeleief at the tomb.
let me explain all this, 'it is me who did the ritual for myself.
in the box lies my photo, my soul. part of me is dead. breaking into dust and drifting with the wind. till someone pick up the noble dream and live it well for me.
for now, i will set on a journey to replace me, to feel whole again.
don't be disgrace by me. for this is what i sought. i couldn't stay for this is who i am born to be.
apologies for the valleys of disappointment. i, too,
am learning to be myself.
well and healthy, fit and young, this conquest won't stop.
it shan't end this way.

=================================
rain and shine, who will be there throughout?

=================================
i want to think that everything is fine throughout, that i could go on like that, that everything is in perfect balance, that i got what i wanted. maybe, 6 months ago, all was well and fine but now it couldn't stay the same anymore. how could it be when i am growing every single day and things are still the way they are. its not that i don't love them anymore, i still do. just that what they say about love isn't entirely true. reality catches up one day and you realise you have cause such great disappointment to the ones you have love all the while. this isn't fair for them. i could reason that it is not fair for me either. why should i let them dictate my life? but truth is every decision has their woes. i couldn't satisfy everybody. for me, i am different, way different. even if i don't have their genes, i still have their blood. each inch of flesh and skin, every touch and feel don't belong wholly to me. for the whole song of their lives, they have dedicated it to me. i couldn't be so selfish. i want to be heartless this very much. i want to go and don't run back. i want to take flight towards my dream. but truth is, i still owe them. no matter which part of the earth i flee to, there still be a part of me calling out to them. even if it is just out of the sheer drudgery of responsibility, i wouldn't be able to flee from it. this is what is encoded in my heritage. i couldn't shun. this, i have to embrace the truth that they keep throwing onto me. consensus have to be made but fear not for i won't betray my soul. they think what i do is useless, but even a cent is worth something. i won't halt my heels, for it doesn't justify for it. instead i just change my course. i will break it now, let them learn the truth soon enough. i will see who i am soon enough.

============================
nothing is definite

Friday, November 19, 2010

butterfly snow globe

butterfly snow globe. i wonder what it means?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

choo choo out.

joy to the passion. however truth shatters it when all set to the disfigurement of history.

there is no concealing of disappointment as all was brought to surface. 'didn't i tell you this will happen?' come forth to me. for now, civilization is a place where nothing lives forever. no one man, no one act, no one thing wouldn't suffer the fate of time.


i have lose all hope but nature says to me, 'don't be despair cause love is what matters.'

it then goes on 'let me show you through the miracles of my making that there is abundance of joy in your this limited lifespan. hearken, for i use the language of old love. there is no other time too great except the time of yours. i have painstakingly created an unique you. listen within and find your passion. feel the waves of your curves taking flight in the fluidity of this world. take care that you could for i have blessed each and every of you. don't feel desolate and think that i have abandon you when things don't seem right. my love for you come in two halves -one of the blooming, the other of the dying- so as to make everything a whole. this isn't a romance story you could grapple but take heart and have faith in yourself. you are the one i have loved and pardon my love if at time it is cruel. truth is it is necessity at work. they are all here for your growth. do not lament for any of your loss but learn well the lessons we render'

===================

things just go away so quickly after they are devalue. i just hope state land doesn't mean waste land.

Monday, November 15, 2010

its too much.

how could you, when we put our trust on your knowledge. you didn't abide by the ethics that you took an oath for. you didn't do what you could. a life so small just didn't matter to you isn't it. its just like a replica of the dozens over that you see on the street. but you are cruel even if you head the morally sound. you couldn't drop your ego, the burden of your ignorance. just let it be. your pretense of concern. drop it. we could see through your reluctance when you pass the death verdict. just a bit of this sweet tonic could revive his weakest link. that is all he needed, yet you are such an adroit illusionist. there's no hope, i seen this scene one too many a time, when he got to go, he got to go, don't let him suffer any more, you comforted us. its just like us human to hasten what the nature bring, to accelerate the outcome. so much for that. you disappoint us all.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

voices of animals

Friday, November 12, 2010

the curious and curious-est.

i once heard a story so curious its atrocious not to share. For this revolves around two interesting creatures, a ferret and a squirrel.

on this curious day, cry the ferret, 'oh my little brother, what Time has done? you are so weathered in bruises, i shan't let harm come your way anymore.'

just as he ended his monologue, he fell asleep, hugging his little brother close, for fear of evil creeping close to it. it was then, this squirrel, notoriously known as skittles, aptly named for his boundless energy and mischief, stood close by.

'i shall live up to my name,' the squirrel thought aloud, spreading a contemptuous glance across his face.

now, now, now, everybody knows the ferret treasured his little brother so and all heard of how easily the little brother had been victimized. this will be an easy strike, the squirrel contemplated. and there he went, for a body so small, the squirrel packed a fierce bite upfront. this strike off the sleepiness of the dear ferret. screams and shrieks from the ferret only enhances the perverseness of the squirrel, who hanged tight with the excitement of a sword unsheathed close to the neck. it almost caused fatality had not the ferret's little brother wriggle from his vindictive holder.

hearing trouble, the squirrel lightning away, for his four limbs were blessed by the mischief god to flee from all the scenes of devilry. the sweet little ferret was too in no mood for vengeance.

he simply stood there, clutching his little brother's head so close, lamenting, 'oh Time, what cruelty you are, you played us out too a-many time yet we never have defied you. to slacken the grip you must. come see for yourself, my little brother's head so covered in scarlet, the trace of your vicious claws. you must not take him away, your generosity i will praise for generations to come. however, if you were of a cruel nature, i will not take any more allowance from you.'

Time is a nihilist, for there is nothing to Time that could exist perpetually and consistently like Time itself. its the ultimate machinery that nobody could fight, one could deceive oneself of the flow of Time but never deceive Time itself. Time never hasten, never pause, it goes and goes till the end of world.

still, Time will answer those who question about the nature of Time, 'oh little one, could you not see that i have work of higher importance than the one you are carrying? his time is not up but be warned that when he is to go, so will it be for you. this is no less and no more than you wish for. and know that it is not the wrath of time that shattered your soul but merely the work of it. for time knows no emotions. it could not feel thus it couldn't be merciful or merciless. this is the important lesson of time. learn it well, my young one, for i have persisted decades and still be misunderstood. know that Time is just, i distribute myself fairly and accordingly among all creatures, big and small, everyday, light and night. don't have woes of me when your Time is up, for it is really you who do not cherish the gift i have lavished and illusioned that you could outlive me. know this well and learn it by heart for this is the story you will live to tell.'

so, this is the tale that i heard from the ferret himself.

alright, i am writing nonsense again. don't know whats up with me this few days but this story is really inspired by a true story. i swear!

i guess too much of arabian nights and alice in wonderland in my mind!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

random

imagine a less-than fingernail size penis getting bitten by a squirrel when asleep. ouch!


不要拿书包. weeping. but still couldn't get the basic idea through. so sad. she's even in her diapers. this goes to show how our education system sux. its not fun at all!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

rattle. ignore me.

an empty eye socket,
oh what terror it brings.
the hollow walls and
cover collapsing.

the empty eye socket
to goosebump the seer.
cause you can't see,
no you can't see.

like the feral cat brought into walls,
and the homely set free.
what perplexity it faces,
to face a world so magnified
or so shrunken,
pushing the border of
knowledge of their world.

what confusion it strikes,
not but an empty eye socket.

-----------------------
i want to take off on a shooting star with the feather of an effort.

Monday, November 8, 2010

word. lie. truth.

forgiveness and repentance

today i was taught a lesson
the world we grew up in
is a world of twisted fact
not many value the truth
but treasure those who meant what they speak

this is a world of distorted words
so just hold your tongue
and hear me out
i want to speak the truth
but it bothers me so.
because promises choose to bury it with lies

but now, starting from today,
there will be no more masquerade
let there be emotions so raw, it seared
through the heart
and tears, the exultation of feelings,
not signs of weaknesses
you taught me well and there it is, me
growing strong and well indeed.

still, they ask, what use of words for words so wronged,
language borders, dialogue
causes agony and speech creates war
words become lies too a-many for one to take.
but they are too the art of heart, the way
to others. the true gold when one wield it
not as a sword but a tool of
love.

today i learn a lesson. you taught me well.


--------------------------------
someday, i will find a spot that belongs to me. all mine. i can do whatever i want with no one to judge me. i could dance like a ferret, spin like a wheel, scream like a hysteric, over and over till i collapse. nobody there to see myself except for the sun and the moon to be my soul companion.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

ink.

the squid-man, they call
them, the people with their ink.
their canvas stretch and sink
with the melody of the skin.
dogma thrives but not every case true.
for each paints its own story
and their personality,
should it be
uncouth, could it be regrets, may it
even be joy.
which is which, it takes time to see
but only when our arrogance falls.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

random thoughts

I am consumed by the gargoyle bravery.
Sinfully, Adamantly, Lackadaisically and Paradoxically,
Like the
Gypsyful town that do no good
within walls.
The evil priest that
preaches righteousness
The lightful night that got
shattered by fiery war
The ingrate savior
The innocent spy
The knight in hideous hide
The beauty and the beast
So and so much more
True ugliness reside in one resentful heart
But Beauty thrives microscopically

-thoughts on notre dame. haha. though i don't really understand what i am trying to say. but words just flow out.

when a dew drops on its ninety-ninth,
would it still not ponder about
the way of life.
to be a dew, for what its worth
its short period on earth.
only seen at dawn when even
birds have yet to stirred

if you ask a dew for what its worth
the mystical and persistent
appearance
it might say the way of life is carried
forth by the simplest term
and that is all is worth.

--------------------

when thought wasn't given to the science of night.
moonlight, twilight, dusk and dawn
which of them hold the darkest secret of them all?
which of them hide shadows
lurking and corners vanishing?
operations of the night,
stealthily and cunningly,
someone stole her body,
and stow it awry.
even till today, she doesn't
belong for her mind reside
somewhere in that night.


somebody propose at the zoo today. so sweet.

Friday, November 5, 2010

stuck in my head

Sunday, October 31, 2010

indifferent difference

those girls,
go to school,
get their As.
this girl,
quits studying,
chases her dreams
those girls,
dress in pink,
like their heels
this girl,
wears her berms,
dress sloppily
those girls,
met a guy,
fell in love
this girl,
loves the boys
who's a tramp
those girls,
got their certs,
but is clueless
this girl,
who has dreams,
misses nothing

cause her happy little self got everything that the world is to offer.

Monday, October 25, 2010

message from rugrats

this used to be one of my favourite cartoon shows. what seems like frivolous humour then is making so much sense now. they are the one who, by their own imagination, build their empire from the simplest tools available, defend their forts with whatever at hand, form alliance with innocent promises of friendships. the adults can't understand their wisdom and thought they are just fooling around. but i say, if i have to give up this obligatory play in life, i would rather not grow up. let me just be in neverland cause for me, this is the best way to lead your life. i choose to lead and not follow. too many people put in blind faith to our external circumstances and ended up in self-deprecation.

cause this is really about an underlying message for me to wake up. if we look back, nobody cares if you are just blabbering nonsense, nobody cares if you don't know anything in the world, nobody cares if you owe nothing else than the diapers. yet, everybody loves you like how the world deserves to be loved.

you sure you want your 20s like that?

-- postsecret

Saturday, October 23, 2010

continuation of the story 2 years ago

it was the first time i heard or thought i heard that the cat cried. it makes you cringe. it whimpers about the despair of being lift up and put down once and one more time too much again and again. maybe i know this feeling too.

but now, all i could see is hope. :D blithe don't have to be shone the light of eternity to have a significant impact. for this short moment of joy, i am willing to go through the tedium, to peel through its layers of sorrow to reach the sweetest and juiciest core i ever and will ever taste. even if i am going to finish this luxurious fruit all in just one shot, it is worthwhile simply to rejoice its tenderness and allure of this moment, the epitome of sumptuous love.

thanks :D

i will smile myself silly to sleep tonight. (if this is ever a correct english express) i don't know cause i am deliriously happy now. hehe!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

love live

still, you are the one. for days stretched into years and insomnia lengthens the night. they say it was all history, back to the days of sept 2008. now, if only you say you would love to hold fast to the sacrifices you promised so at joy back then. 2 years forward, the so called oath that you swore by might only hang flimsily at the tip of your tongue but it still moves me so. it still does. bring me to you cause there are many wrongs to be right. let me count not the regrets pertaining to you anymore. you taught me well so let me love you now.

if only you could hear me now...
save me from this pit, for better or for worse, i don't care anymore.





violence bred violence

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

morhping

when i mapped through the past few experiences, i realise i grew a lot during this short time span. and i am grateful for this family. always will love them! i spend my time wisely, feeling this pulse, this heartbeat. and i know this is what i live for.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

all she thinks about life

she says if she doesn't watch tv, what else can she do, wait for death?
the truth is, she is as good as dead with that set.

Monday, October 4, 2010

you found me. yes i found you!

OMG! new love!


Saturday, October 2, 2010

thanks for everything,

cause its no cinderella and no prince at this ball. they are just dancing around and around in circles hoping for eternal till the magic broke. stripped off any fantasy, the missus ran away sobbing. how could she have reach this pathetic state again? over and over, she fell into this trench that they so obliviously laid for her. they never know how much it hurts. they couldn't be blame, they never know, then she, the one who knows, let it course towards the same pain. cause no matter how hard she fell each time, the wind always bring her up with whispers of the neverland, those of the fairies and those of the tales of courage. for her, its always hard to reject believing something so wonderful. why would she want to do otherwise, to believe that there's no miracles in life? bed of roses, they called it. little did they know, bed of roses - on the surface, everything seems perfect but the deeper you sink in, the more you will feel the thorns. but if she were to shun them all, her life would be plain, plain as the life of the housemaid cinderella when she lived under her stepsisters. probably thats what fairytales are for, to remind that wonderful and beyond the mind miracles could happen no matter how tough the situation is in that moment. so, she believes.


"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

-- In Memoriam:27, 1850, Alfred Lord Tennyson


Monday, September 27, 2010

torn inside out

dear you,

recently i've been feeling kind of wierd. have you ever felt like these? like you are going out of your body? like your body doesn't belong to you? like something is happening to you but all you could do is watch it like a bystander?

i have. sometimes, at the end of the day, when i was just travelling on bus, i hoped to dooze off but a wierd sensation took over. how could i describe it to you. it felt like i am dreaming while i'm awake. perhaps this is what they call another dimension? i don't know. i see images in my mind, images not within control. and these images are so vivid and so real that it kind of scares me. its as if this will happen to me. not that the content of the dream is bad but it doesn't negate that it is an unexplained phenomena. like i said, i felt awake throughout and time seems not able to penetrate throughout my trance. its like something or someone is trying to reach out to me. up to this point, does it give you the chills or do you just find me strange?

another thing i would like to confess, i have been so worn out recently. i could blink my eyes and swear that i see blackness for a micro-second even after i open my eyes. micro-second, is it humanly possible to feel that? maybe its exaggeration, it indeed feel very fast yet noticeable. i figured my body thought it could just shut down like that. maybe it needs a rest, maybe it wants a break but please my body, please don't break down. i still have a long way to go, we still have a journey to embark together, remember? i promise a break once we pull through this. yes, i know we felt so stuck but i will make a decision to break through. a change is what we all need.

and you know, i have been missing someone lately, so much so that i could have fallen in love with another instead. cause of that someone, it goes into a cycle of disappointment every time. i don't want it to be this way, has always been.

dear you, if you exist, please tell me what to do or at least explain to me what is happening.

rgds,
Schizophrenia, Bipolar

Saturday, September 25, 2010

time. timeless.

they all say time is running out, it'll be too late for me to do anything like that. but tell me, what exactly is time. what value does time hold when we have woes of time instead of celebrating the flow of it. rejoice that we are opening our eyes to a brand new day of challenge, give no cheers to the bland state of conformity. be awed that we are reborn every single day and not be bereaved by the loss of yesterday. someone enlightened me, why is it i see so many people indulging in yesterday, fantasizing about tomorrow but not relishing the very day that existed. well i'm not saying its not good to learn from our history and have big dreams. in fact, i'm totally into it but too many people are neglecting the presence of now in exchange for those faraway moments. i meant both yesterday and tomorrow are non-existent, where do they stand in this very minute? too many times, we deflate this particular moment to inflate our past glories and future achievements. but when we don't live in present tense, we would never get what we want. however, say we do get what we want, we quickly relinquish their pleasure by upping the ante for the ransom of time. yes, we are no longer keepers of our own time, we are our very own time-kidnapper. paradoxically, we put our time away from us. yes. this is a crazy world. the one very thing we have in definite, we let it slipped away.

perhaps, we are all taught that we have to work hard for the things we wanted. thus time is a conflicting currency we don't even have to lift a finger to get. spend it generously, spend it wisely. i believe the adage, the best thing in life are free, so is the case for time that the universe dished out for everyone. imagine a world so rich that we don't have hard cash currency, instead wealth is calibrated by time. everyone will be living in abundance, there will be no poverty cause everyone's treasure is the gift of time.

so we have to learn to not be trapped in the loop of time, to not forget the meaning of life and to remember the power of living in the moment.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

every single day

Saturday, September 18, 2010

destination or journey?

result is all they care. like it doesn't matter if you don't learn anything, as long as you can pass well even if it means to get somebody else to do it for you. shit this world. shit this focus. this is one of the reason why i don't go mainstream. whats wrong with you people to think that the destination is more important than the journey. to me destination doesn't really matter. unless you intend to be a blind and hurried tourist trying to take in as much sights as possible. it doesn't matter if you take one month or a year in a place, its the experience that matters; not how much you remember yourself seeing but how much you actually feel and grow out of it.

there's too little care and too little love in this world. what was i hoping, not everyone's a mother theresa, not everyone wants a jane goodall. too many people chooses monetary reward (destination) over the reward of love (journey). skeptics skeptics, can't believe you can't have it both. even if i were to choose, the choice is clear isn't it. are you a destination person or a journey person?

Friday, September 17, 2010

the greatest risk in life is not taking risks

"the greatest risk in life is not taking risks. We never regret the risks we took on our deathbeds but the opportunities we didn’t seize."

-- Robin Sharma

i was lingering at the park paying patronage to the cat and the bird that were performing a life and death duet. the bird with its vocal, the cat with its stealth. like a moth courting the flame, the bird sings its song of life so proudly it could be mistaken for a death tribute. it alerted the cat who crouch and edge closer to its prey. however, sadly. the cat's advantage of stealth is its downfall too. upon closing up on the bird, it has to stand cautiously on the thin branch that hobbles under the weight of the cat. of course all this movement exaggerated the cat's advancement and warned the bird of its doom. the brilliant bird knows that it is flirting with the death scythe, always making dangerously close approach to the cat yet remain just well within out of reach. flitting from tree to tree, its as if the bird were teasing the inability of the cat. after many failed attempts, ridicules from the bird, and even to getting stuck on the tree (not to mention almost paying a hefty price for miscalculating the distance of the branches), the cat gave up on the lure of its potential dinner. the cast falls away when the curtain draws, the cat head towards a human passageway whereby it might get lucky and be given free food and the bird flies off assuming to its home, calling it a day of fun.

sometimes we got to learn to keep our distance instead of just going in direct opposition with risk.
sometimes we just have to take a break from our constant efforts to prevent from burnout but it should never stop us from trying.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

19 to 20

eve - cycle to ecp and have no choice but to cycle back at 11. the underpass is so scary! and not to mention the fear arises from sights of particular groups of people. lights are off. i think i almost die from fear. once is enough. reach home at 12.30! yes. thats how i spend the last of my 19.

kick start my 20 by going to the zoo! it was awesome!

thoughts of a 20

if i could change one thing, i say we all conduct our lives like this: dance to the rhythm of the rain, sing the song of the birds, cry when we feel like it, laugh as we should, smile at a stranger, hug someone you love, mend a broken soul, whatever, do whatever that bring joy to us every single day. live without inhibitions for all the goodness is ours to cultivate and earth is really a paradise we've all been seeking since mankind. we could catch the shooting star, hug the cloud and fly with the wind.

believe this is all possible cause we are all special and living in a magical world.

.

show gratitude to your enemy cause they made forgiving possible
show gratitude to your critic cause they made improvement possible
show gratitude to those skeptic cause they made achieving more worth it
show gratitude to every offensive person in your life unless they inflict intentional intensive injuries or carry out acts of violence on you.

.

I guess they feel so comfortable being a regular 9 to 5-er. How regular is life when you work all your ass out for something you don't love. Probably as long as the annual vacation your office pan out. Maybe you will find spark during this window of opportunity but most, i dare say, remain in their dream state in this pretense of our world. Our world has been misinterpreted by people using vices to seek out gain from others. Consumerism is what it meant to be successful. Even till now it has been ingrained into so many city dwellers. Trading your life for a LV bag and wallet. How classy. The hierarchy of the nature sprang forth as social status in our world. Maybe we all try too hard to put definition into the works of nature. But I say, we ain't getting it through this way. It has been so for generations whereby the influence is uniform. Not till now, I see an open door of light for us. We can choose to awake from our illusion. We can start a revolution for our generation. Well, its not exactly a revolution but more of a return, a search for who we really are within. For this journey, I'm glad to have my extended family with me cause we are all but regular.

.

on its last page, mount kinabalu, sabah, malaysia

.

our job is to advocate love, something education never covers.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

staying sane and staying safe is for normal people.
for me, i want to be extraordinary.
i'm not in your right set of mind anyway.



Tuesday, September 7, 2010

honestly, how meaningful is your life?



damn it. i such a sucker for this kind of things.
love the wind on my face.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

haven

what if heaven is a place on earth and we live eternally in different lives? what will we do, what will we seek for?

i realize a lot of things that i do i couldn't give an explanation, or at least a convincing one. words have its limitation that failed to convey the experience and thoughts of one wholly. maybe everything doesn't requires logic. or perhaps practicality isn't all there is to this world.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

witness

i realise we all made a huge mistake. we try to brand or label our experiences as good and bad; so much so that, it seems plausible to be judgmental of the lives of others. this is not the way i wanted it to be. i wanted others to accept who i am and what i do instead of being a couch-guru. in contrary, after much reflection, i admit i'm actually trying so much to "guide" others. and forgive me, cause it seems so desirable and second to nature. my belief might be a whole different concept of living however, essentially its still all just the same difference. how could i be so insensitive to want to structure the lives of others; its our choice, our passion, our lives. its our individuality that makes this world a unique whole. suppose say, everyone is to do the same thing, i couldn't imagine that. who would know best but deep inside us? our higher self know what we are cut out to be but so many people just tune out of their spiritual talk and tune in to society radio. thats why we stay stagnant, giving ourselves ample reasons to live life like that. thats why we need self-help books when we are on the process of awakening. thats why some people make an informed decision to break free and embark on a spiritual journey.

thats why i'm telling you that you are right whatever you do as long as you are following your own exclusive, real path and not what the society dictates. (i'm presuming that everyone is born compassionate)

do not upon others that not want others to do upon you.

Monday, August 30, 2010

the sight of magic

fairies dancing on water. golden fingers caressing the earth. connecting flight between heaven and earth. green winged messenger. music squirrels. families of light ninjas. flying blue flames. interweaving webs of truth. what a miracle we are living in.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

wisdom of nature

if i limit myself to whereby people say i can't, i probably can never achieve much.
i recalled when i was barely 18, i will fantasize about bringing back loads of income, controlling people under the skirt. now i know, i won't want to become the GM who only has 3-4 hours of sleep, downing cans and cans and caffeinated drinks, having to entertain hordes of trivial even during off days, always wearing a perfunctory smile and being wary of others. this is an exhausting and unfulfilled life. unless circumstances demand, i wouldn't trade my current life view for anything.

Monday, August 23, 2010

we share the same dream

life's amazing. today i am impressed. this girl, 22, i met at the zoo bus stop via my office lady. she is daring and spontaneous in pursuing her dream. studied in private diploma school. didn't earn a cent before graduation. upon graduation, holds her first job in a managerial position in retail section. after that, moving onwards to build her CV. experience 5 jobs of different nature within a short time span of 1 and a half year. and now, she's at the night safari.

finally some one agrees that qualification ain't everything, life is. no matter how backwards one falls in terms of their education level, they could still made up for it in other ways. what good is a scholar if he/she doesn't know how to handle the vicissitudes of life.

the issue with us, i guess, is that we are all searching for the perfect life. thing is, there's no such thing as a perfect life. one has to make choices. choices signifies sacrifices. sacrifices might lead to regrets. so how could life ever be perfect when presented with such spectrum of decisions; loss and gain? the perfect life could only exist only if one live in ignorance and avoidance.

but on a lighter note, one could have their ideal life. ideal by making an informed choice of letting go and dedicating their work towards their goal, tipping the scale more towards gain than loss. what are our priorities? what do we really live for? is it really worth it to be in that high paying but soul sucking job? is it really necessary to acquire that label? to me, leading an ideal life do and could means letting go of anything, even if it is high in controversy; the 7 years lover, the opportunity for higher education or even the trade in of a promotion for an exotic job. everyone is different in their needs, personality and passion. that's why one decision that seems logically or socially wrong feels so right to the other.

on my way home, cycling in the rain, brought me back to the time when i just graduated from secondary school. caught in a similar weather, a kind uncle offered to share his umbrella across the road. he queried about my decision upon graduation, jc or poly? my answer, poly, maybe engineering. his reply, well, engineering you can get very high starting pay as compared to other fresh graduate but the pay increment really sucks. in contrast, for business student, the starting pay is lower but you can see no limit in terms of monetary rewards. as a 16 year old, i seriously ponder about his advise. but now, 4 years of growing up, if i were to be in the same situation, i would speak boldly of my aspirations cause storing money isn't passion but having a passion could bring in money, which could be in term use to fuel the passion. its an irony that people who earn so much seems more reluctant to part with their money in areas of personal growth.

here, i shall share the life of a guy who i met at SPCA. he's 18 but already with a list of achievements. he is teaching drama to primary school kids, acted in a local production. represent a hotel for this inter-hotel tennis competition (if i didn't recall wrongly) through the recommendation of his coach. is a lead singer for a band and producer or song writer for another. got into criminology at the age of 14 by submitting an essay and passing an interview. but dropped out as he doesn't want to be seem as a child prodigy. is a journalist. apparently he has got an IQ of 170++. waiting to be admitted to lasalle at that point of time. and the best thing is, he doesn't look like a geek. he looks like the typical ah beng, piercing, cap and berms with a bit too much of the english feel. he had a pet snake and tarantula which he fed them rodents. yuck and bloody. (one of my ex-colleague, who is pretty impressive too, used to have a pet scorpion. wth! next time i shall keep a pet ant colony. lol.) he could be bragging and lying but i choose not to doubt. whats the point, i rather be impressed than to be suspecting and jealous. face the truth, we all heard about the 4 year old uni kid and the baby who is chosen as a reincarnation of god, so whats wrong with having a 14 year old uni kid here?

to sum up, i really have got a wonderful life and is heading towards ideal.
- a close to dream and already satisfying and rewarding job (and the pay good too)
- a cosy bed in my homely abode
- a vehicle (bicycle)
- passion fueling life
- the ability to keep on dreaming and achieving what i really want and not what society dictates (prove me wrong that most people do whats expected of them)

at the end of the day, i don't see myself as how much lesser i am as compared to the others but as how much more i could grow into.

Monday, August 16, 2010

the girl who just waits and waits and regrets

truth is, i'm scared to death about it; peeling through my skin, cutting into my ribs, digging out my heart, splitting it into two and giving away the one good half. could you imagine the dilemma that i have to go through, sharing my heart, trusting it to others with good faith?

it has never been done and couldn't be done. at least not now, not when the unison would fall apart on the next day.

no, i think it be better for you to split my guts, break my spine and twist my lung. the heart is a selfish organ that i couldn't spare. we should keep our distance just the way it is. and i do recognize that this is a straight path southwards. i couldn't trust myself to do what i want when it comes to matter like this.

the usual me would say that its better to die trying than die wanting, which is much better than just existing. we gonna die willy nilly. but this time it felt better to just do nothing cause it truly scared the hell outta me. so sorry for being so wimpy. who am i sorry for again? i guess nobody but myself.

chalk one up for regrets.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

uniting voices of the earth


Animal Telepathic Communicator Penelope Smith, P2/2

she is so awesome! got to learn this!!
spiritual awakening. love the idea~

===============================

whee. finally clear away loads of stuff from my life. not a lot. just 2 bags of trash. hmm. shall set a deadline for things under my possession. all trinkets, gifts, souvenirs,unnecessary accumulation, letters, cards (yes that i know is very heartless but sorry pals) that i haven't been bothered with for 2 years with the exceptions of stitch and books (:

uncluttered so as to focus. if i ever get my home next time, i'm gonna do up in a minimalistic way.

Friday, August 13, 2010

seem like the truth doesn't change a thing.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

the ugly rear of truth

the truth finally hits me. and it not just simply dawn on me, it hits me with the brunt of reality. its shattering to realise that i am still so vulnerable to my environment though i've been shutting off. the fact is i have drifted away, an ocean apart while others are forming new bond; i am cutting pieces of me and leaving them behind - the trade-off for heading towards the alternative. it hurts and its not easy. well, i could have chosen the easy way out but if thats the case, then whats the point.

even if i am faltering and picturing myself as being delusional, delirious and deceitful.
even if for the past few months, the passion has been smothered into numbness.
even if today i felt diminished, a point of nowhere, neither here nor there, caught in between.
even if i'm not moving forward and is reluctant to slide backwards.
i will not bow in this face-off with myself.

yes, things have to change. i am getting too comfortable with my status quo that it is no longer serves my life purpose. just like chess, the game will never progress if i don't make a move. i gonna stay stagnant no more. reminders, reminders - shall not avoid, shall face what it hurts.


you say you'll come but its all just a liar's game.

we lie cause the truth is always being spat at.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

anybody else feeling unpatriotic?

national day. but do you really feel connected to this place, being part of its whole nation? do you feel that you could contribute to its greater good? do you feel the purpose of your existence on this land?

honestly, i don't. i bored out of this place. though really appreciate its security.

and of course, i don't feel like i'm in a mood of celebration.

Friday, August 6, 2010

life should be a dream

what good does a dream serves should one back up after presented with an initial obstacle. if it were to be like a breeze, everybody would be taking it so lightly. but fact is, people don't realise the true form of our journey, the way the universe works. to segregate the real do-er and those that just pay lip service to their dream, the ego of one has to be thrashed upfront. if one still couldn't fathom this logic, it could be equate to those of a baby step. we stumble, fall and pick ourselves up. slowly but surely, we learn to walk, approaching a sprint, a gait, a chase. we know this since we were born however over time, we lose this instinctive nature due to the fast impact society that we lived in. imagine that, people shot to fame overnight after posting their video on the internet. more often than not, viewers neglect the years of hard work behind it and look at the whole situation through rose-tinted glasses. everything we do got to have an instantaneous impact. but you know, we don't start out to build the biggest, strongest, most mind blowing staircase towards our dream. we start by laying the steps stably, one at a time. climbing up towards our ultimate goal. nothing about it is going to be easy but if we were to survive the beginning hardship, the universe would reward us bit by bit, though with it random bout of test, encouraging us to stick to our resolution.

show me that we are not weaklings that bow down so easily. prove to me that we could all fight with the same passion. then again i don't need to follow, let me set the rules on how i'm gonna do it.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

the saddest tune between you and me



if we all were to wait for the perfect opportunity, we could never find the right time to do anything. more often than not, this is just another reason for procrastination. inevitably, it leads to regret which in hope that time will bury.

i've got so much to learn about freeing myself from the shackles and claiming those courage.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

the air of resistance

sometimes, i guess we are just too sensible in keeping our distance. probably cause i can't break through my own barrier.

doesn't matter, whats important now is to protect my dream.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

another seperation

seems like if something is made to last forever, it wouldn't be of such a significant beauty. even a coral bed that took eternally to form can get destroyed in a fleeting moment of carelessness.

sabah

(straight from my travel notebook. still in its raw form so its more like a note rather than a decent read cause i am lazy to edit. ^^.)

day 0
set off at 4, with only a packet of instant noodle and a few bars of appollo chocolate cake in my stomach. grinning to myself, i strutted straight for the 969 bus stop. only to realise, on the bus, that it doesn't go to kranji. in fact, i have mistaken khatib as kranji all these while that i pass them by on the way home from zoo. drop off at yishun and took the train whereby it announces that it is possible to take 950 to JB-Kotaraya II terminal. time 5pm. just when i was tapping out, i realise something is missing. i am no longer holding on to my wallet!! with a glimpse of hope, i rummage through all my pockets (theres like 6 pockets) again and again. even my waist belt though i have no collection of touching it (I have a habit of not fiddling with it in the public. that will defeats the purpose) none, none, no where to be found. rush to the train and bus control station in hope that some kind soul will find it. knowing that it will take quite a while for them to check, i sat down, praying (to i have no idea who) that i could recover my loss. my atm card, 150 ringgit and 50 sgd. if all these are gone, then it will be a great hit for me. since i am travellinga lone, i have nobody that i could turn to should i run out of cash. and take note, i don't have my atm card. just then, my phone rang ( i have been gripping and staring intensely at my phone.) my prayers worked! thanks so much. the people working at the smrt station have made my day. good sign!

upon reaching city square (in retrospect, i have gotten off the bus too early, there should still be one leg of journey) i asked the guard about the directions to a the senai airport by public transport. seems like they don't have much idea about going to the airport or rather their own nation public transport as i learned much later. best bet is to ask the bus driver (if you are lucky enough to find one who understand english and speak to you not in a strand of malay) despite not knowing the way, the security guard is still nice enough to go the extra mile to guide me by physically walking me to the bus stop. whoo! and theres like really a lot of security guard in the mall. hmm. i wonder why. and he asked his colleague ( i think one that actually use public transport) only to realise that to get to senai, i have to change bus at larkin. so i follow on. when i reach larkin, it was a way way different experience from singapore buses. one thing is it is actually the coaches for tour. and it cost only 4rm. driver frequently chatted to another person standing at the door (i think help to get customer. touting is ubiquitous in malaysia) with an attempt to make eye contact. OMG! can you concentrate on the road when you drive. and he has such a relaxed way of driving, sometimes using one hand, other time just resting the hands on the big steering wheel. senai airport is such a pure state of simplicity. without extravagance and just to fulfill its purpose of an airport. time, 8pm, just nice to check in. and i am feeling so hungry!

2nd day
in love with the people in this town. the people that i came across will do so much to try to help you if you ask for it. well, even if you don't ask for it and you look lost, people will still offer to help. just like my 1st day. i was circling the town, trying to find somewhere decent to stay in. after passing the same spot for a few times while lugging my huge backpack, an uncle came to suggest an affordable hostel, known as asia adventure lodge. he is a traveller, too by the way, a domestic one though.

my failed attempt to look for energy bars. in the supermarket, i asked this boy (cause he looks really young, like 16 or 17. in sabah i think boys came out to work as young as 7 or 8. esp in the fish market) where could i get energy bar. puzzled look. so i farther explain that it is food that gives you energy like coffee. then he proclaimed, ah, coffee! no, no, no. not coffee. coffee is to drink, i want food. can eat. hmm. then he went into a series of discussion with the other boy nearby. still confused, but he offer to try to show me food products that fit into the "energy food" category. which turns out, they don't really have energy bar, cause he brought me to the biscuit section. and this is like the n supermarket i went into. so i just grab a packet of biscuit. while i was about to go off, this boy came back with a packet of coffee. i smile at him and politely declined him. haha. people there are just so cute.

my hostel auntie offer to bring me around during the 3rd night. but too bad that i am going off. since i sleeping alone in a dorm room with 5 other empty beds, the auntie and her granddaughter i think would come into the room to sleep at night.

3rd day
crazy day! last day of diving. vomited into the sea upon reaching the jetty. lunch become fish food. i could see clear traces of my lunch. noodles, bloated. the sea was so choppy that even the dive instructor felt sick. all was fine in the sea till we surfaced.

after that took a bus to ranau in order to change bus to sandakan. a guy on the bus talked to me. offer to buy a mineral drink when there is an auntie going around selling it. i turned him down. chatted. gave me newspaper, "the sabah times". chatted for a while more and i went to sleep. stopped nearby mt kinabalu and he bought peanuts to share. great timing, i was starving!! my lunch is all in the sea. when reaching ranau, he asked for my no. yea right, like i will give. when we reach, he asked if i would like to go karaoke. how outrageous, at this time? 9pm and with a stranger that i known not more than a car ride. i declined flatly. its just wierd very wierd! at ranau, i attempt to look for a decent place to sleep. but failed. its all too expensive. so i had my dinner (noodle that taste like it has been left there for quite a while), hoping that a miracle would happen afterwards. after asking for directions, i went to the bus stop. i heard that it will be coming at 9. current time, 7.40pm. long way to go. and the bus stop was dark. it wasn't just dimly lit, there is no light at all other than those from the eateries across the street. i held on to my torch, for fear that somebody might lurch at me in the dark, isolated bus stop. on top of that, i couldn't be sure that it is a bus stop cause there was only a bus stop sign. theres not even a shelter. and no bus was passing by. their waiting time for inter-city bus is terrifyingly long. so i ask an uncle with his nearby petrol truck. and he assured me that there will be bus. so i continue waiting. after a prolonged, intense moment of pure fear at the bus stop, the uncle came up to me to see if i want a ride up to sandakan since he is heading that way too. hesitation. but between the bus stop outside the ghostly town and the sincere offering of the uncle (though a bit suspicious looking) i chose the big petrol truck. and to be frank, it is actually quite cool to sit in a petrol truck. even though every once in a while, the wheel will pass over a pit hole making it so "enjoyable" for the ass. chatted on the truck for a while, evaluated the driver to be quite trustworthy. i fell asleep again. reached. sandakan. he went to deliver the petrol and stopped beside the street to help me to search for a budget place to stay in. the one that we found was too expensive and it was very late. time 1am. so he suggested to sleep in his lorry if i trust him. longer pause, but if he were to habour any ill-intentions, he would have carried it out earlier on. but nothing happen, so i push my luck a bit more to be with him, hoping that everything will go on fine. as i have told him, the people who wanted to help you on the road far exceed the one that will want to inflict harm on you. holding on to my believe, i trust that my positive aura will attract positive outcome. so i spend a night on the lorry. OMG! in restropect, its crazy. however everything pass safely. in the morning, i took a bus to sandakan to proceed to sepilok orang utan.

4th day
honestly there nothing much but the video was educational and informative. at the utan, the ranger saw my newspaper from yesterday and asked if he could read it. sure, i have got no use for it anyway. when i came out, we chatted for a while. knew that he was ranger at day, taxi driver otherwise. he was giving an offer to a cheaper rate should i need his service. but neh, hiring a taxi would seriously hurt my wallet. back in sandakan, which is a sleepy town, operating only till 3-4pm. as there nothing much in town, i went to explore the heritage trail to keep myself sane. on the way, saw somebody using a net to catch a puppy and it is whimpering. tragic. try to persuade him to let go of the puppy cause i not sure if he is going to harm the dog. but to bridge a communication is impossible as he doesn't speak english. i motion a house and he nodded. ok. one less worry. hope the puppy will do well. follow the kids that came out to get the dog. and they live in a village. well, guess they will treat the dog well. cause they grew up with animals. they should know better how to handle a dog.

5th day
nearby mt kinabalu. at a eatery. seeing hoards of climbers down the mountain is driving me insane. as i written down at that point of time, i have no idea what to do now, to go or not to go. as much as my mind have been dwelling on sanity, it is going crazy soon. all the decision that i have to made. so i talked to one of the solo climber to see my chances of going up. well, not much. and he gave me an advice that was stuck to my head, never try never know. yea. this is just the thing i need to hear. went to the nearby mountain rest house. it was so freaking cold. to bath was a toture rather than an enjoyment, especially the period when i have to get dress. at night slept with my beanie, 2 layers of top and pants and woolen socks.

6th day
couldn't climb the mountain but i met a tour guide at the mountain rest house. she offers me to join the tour group at just a price of 50rm! and yup. a solo traveler swelling up to a group of 13 domestic traveler!

7th day
last day. and the two of the malaysian treated me and the tour guide to a sumptuous seafood dinner! yum yum! 10 dishes. almost exploded~ i went back to the hostel, wanting to chat with the auntie. but then, i couldn't recover the magical feeling back then. led me thinking. can people with benefits issue between them really be friends? will they, the service or goods provider put on a friendly facade just so as to be after more money? sometimes it will feel better to be not too close to business-minded people as we probably couldn't get any genuine feelings from them. in the end, we not only pay in cash but in feelings too. then again, does it really matters to find true, lasting friendship on the road as it is probably the allure of its brevity that makes it so memorable. just like the fireworks. the serendipity is probably that concoct the magic. at the end, what stays is the growth of an individual that emerges after undergoing all those experiences, wrenching incident and joyous occasion. the moments of pure beauty and optimism. lesson learn, not to repeat the stuff as it kills the wondrous picture instead.

seems like when you travel and you carry with yourself a positive aura, people around you will be there to help you. just got to ask and hope for it. well, i think it pretty much apply to anything.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

the flexi me(:

i wonder what will be their reaction should they know the truth. sometimes its better to not know (: so excited!!!

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whats really important in this society is for people to know that it is okay to make mistakes, as long as it doesn't hurt any being, instead of binding ourselves with the fear of failure. the real mistake lies in believing that doing the "wrong" stuff could never be right. i think since kids, we achieve most in life while we play, venture into the unknown, even from the picking ourselves up after a fall. if this is the way we conduct ourselves everyday, every moment provides a window of opportunity to learn and grow towards our individuality.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

are you still growing?

the disturbing thing is to learn that people find it comforting to stick with their old regimental beliefs even though they have moved on to another stage of life.

like i always say, if you have the same thinking as you have three years back, then you have not grow at all. thats why people goes, "if i knew what i know now back then, i be better off now"

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on a sidenote,
one of the keepers at the other dept tells us to get a life, its so late and we are still working. then again, THIS IS LIFE!! great company and exposure. laughing till you feel like its a challenge to keep that oreo in your mouth. getting harmless nags from colleague. getting slap by a rooster. doing all the stupid little things. simply put,
I LOVE MY JOB!