Saturday, December 25, 2010

today is the day i will say goodbye

today is not a good day to talk because

today i cried the whole day;
today i walked in the rain and  you will think that it is insensible;
today i haven't think of how to start the topic;
today not everybody will be there to listen;
today you wouldn't be in the mood to hear me out.

today will not be a good day, maybe tomorrow i will be better prepared.
the tomorrow that i am ready for the worst will never come.
everyday will be a today, thats all i know

and i want you to know, if not today, then when?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

wing in wonderland

I wish we could run into each other arms and find ourselves in a perfect fit that we never have known before. the warmth flowing from you to me and making its way back to you again. finding ourselves with this heart to heart connection. we could just stay like there forever. you breathing in the smell of my hair, and me feeling the security of your chest.

just let me keep dreaming until reality drags me up.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

what keeps you afloat could pull you down, spiraling downwards. entanglement in this weave of dreams.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

this feel like in the valley of wrong.

ambling in the rain, i couldn't help but think how limp i have been. i couldn't be like the sun, scorching and harsh yet gentle and merciful at time. nor could i be the rain, thunderstorm, drizzle, hurricane; bringing flood, striking fear and cowering people. however they are still so much celebrated, irrigation, farming, drinking water, bringing life; look how the plants sway, rustling in tune with their life giver and how the flowers beam, dancing and flaunting their dresses.

forces of the nature, singing their song uniquely every single day, bestowing growth yet destroying life at the same time. destruction of old give rise to a newly born. this is how the universe operates to achieve balance. i should have learned earlier that this is the cycle of the world, i can't defy it. yet i felt rotten to feel this disintegration inside of me. under scrutiny, my very own, maybe harsh critic.

i am not backing away from everybody. this is just what it seems when i am following my dreams. to the light or even to the shadow, this is a pathway to no limitations. i don't wish to be abandoned, its just that i feel human are by nature forgetful. perhaps upon my return, i have only myself as my companion. no friends, no family, no love. i know how much i am sacrificing. trust me, i given it much thoughts, without sacrifice there can't come an achievement.

i just hope this phase of destruct passes soon.

emblazon on my name, the certainty to take flight.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

the impish cat

so thats what it is all about.
an act of love in exchange for a bite and a scratch.
but you didn't leave it deep despite your frustration.
i know how it is, to live
in a cage. bored stiffed.
only with companions and nothing much
to do. nibbling and chewing.
fabrics, paper, and gunny sack.
whichever is to your preference.

perhaps that is all for the departure and the neglect.
all the confusion and decision.
maybe you don't know though i believed animals
know beforehand and are intellectual. spiritual even.
the books i read, they show nothing less.
i still love you. i really do.
i crave to bring you home and lie snugly beside.
you will be a great friend, a lap cat.
nothing more that i could wish for.

but i can't. this goodbye will take a little while.
but never a while enough.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

its a lifetime of choices

life. time. most of them said i'm wasting it. wasting it by working at the zoo for more than half a year. wasting it by not settling down with a "decent" job. wasting it like i have been those apathetic kids getting high on pot.

do they truly know what it means when it comes to wasting life? i tell you what i know by wasting life. you are wasting life by getting stuck in doing things that you utterly hate and see no delight or passion in the outcome. you are wasting life by being a couch potato, stuck to those tv advertisement that assure you that you could get a perfect body down popping some pills and continue slouching in you couch. wasting it means you swear by your resolution each year and continue being stuck to the endless loops of incessant drama that goes by the hollywood formula. wasting life means knowing that you are stuck and doing nothing about it.

no. i don't want to be that big-fat-fugly-bottom heavy-hideous-caffeine driven-sleep deprived-long expired life monstrosity on a top chair. it just doesn't justify to trade my life for thirty years of slogging. i don't know about you but i'm sure my life don't come cheap. 9 months of development. 20 years of growth. and still counting. surely you can't delude me to think that its alright to down value and down play my life once i reach 20 because that is how the society dictates.

you just gonna make it sounds like i am some irresponsible brat that doesn't spare a thought to others, having no notion the things that i am advocating whatsoever. no denial, you guys all do, i can hear it through the condescending tone in your voice. you can pretend to be high and noble around me all you want, like i'm the delinquent here waiting for life judgment. yes, i make mistakes throughout my whole life, i break a bone, break a heart, got myself into pieces. admit it, who doesn't have issues with the choices they made or affairs of life? we are of a heart beating in a soulful capsule. we can't deny our multi-faceted personality. being one this day, acting the other for another situation. for survival its necessary.

you can mark me down for all you want, if it makes you feel better when i am gone. if you don't celebrate my cause, then why should i bother my life with you? many times, i think it is better to let things go then to maintain a relationship turns sour. it tires both parties.

i'm sorry but this time i am really going. there is nothing that would stop me now. i don't need a permission slip and i am not looking for your approval. even though i will be elated to have your blessings and best wishes, everything will still go on fine without it. i will pack my self and leave my burden here. no i will throw my burden away and unpacked my life somewhere. this is just me and who i choose to be, i can only be me, myself. i can't live as an imaginary me that you have expected. people do change, you guys just have to accept and embrace it.

life.time. i gonna have the time of my life.
all i want for x'mas is a dslr!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Young Entrepreneur Award 2010

gonna try for this! hopefully i can finish my proposal on time. 6 days to write a business proposal! can i do it? 

Thursday, December 9, 2010

painting the last shred of zoo with you in mind

nudging close, nosing through
below my armpit.
lying almost on my lap,
resting so blissfully.
you make me cave in my resolve.
it isn't like you do this
for everyone,
being fiercely
you always get your way.

staring at whatever that moves,
horses, ferrets, squirrels, rats.
we couldn't move you, not an inch.
but the way you lean on me,
i know you ain't half as wild
like what they said you to be..

black and white,
border collie with
soft brown eyes.

you want somebody to love
yet you never show.
just like the way i act.
for things that wouldn't last.

perhaps the last, second last or third.
months left to count.
you are the one i care the most
next to the gray and white
kitty cat
call gnome.

shades of black, white and gray.
if its only simple as this way.
colour palettes now i faced,
never seen until today.
how could i choose?
when the two options are
to let love quit
or let me rot.

the road-map on my hand
wrinkle deeply in.
months of travails i been through.
couldn't see things so clearly.
long marks of canine bites
by fellows tinier than my feet.

oh, yes, this is a long journey,
or so it seems,
colours i didn't know exist.
i still couldn't say
i want to stay.
for days i've been wanting
to set me free.
goodbye, i guess, just
won't leave.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

to catch the passing wind of my love

between rigid lines i stood. 
steer me close or leave 
me be. 
i couldn't trace 
my steps 
anymore. not the little girl
that squeals 
approval. i've grown past that. 
a sad fact, yes i know,
in barely a year, i couldn't
walk this path 
new exposure, 
i demand,
new experience, give it 
to me or i will snatch.

we used to be
such a great team, 
the heydays, when
is so happy.
the days 
when i proudly claim 
i came 
for the passion. yet now, 
i am just plain 
calculative. 'the pay 
is not high, how could i
survive? with bills 
not paid and tickets to my dream 
not purchased, 
how could i 
afford to stay 
with this meager pay.

my goodness, i claim 
in realization. 
people are leaving 
slowly but surely, 
to follow their dreams,
and to carve
a better love. 

with choices in abundance, 
this is not living 
in wild abandonment.
its not just 
going through the motions,
its about liberation
from the steel bars 
of my mind. 
through the waves of protest,
or yelps of exultation, i will 
subsist, in those days 
to come.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

december rain.

angel wings, caressing my eyes.
swimming in the sky.
could one land ahead and save
me from my dilemma.

december sun,
away from the november rain.
what curse it is
the parching land

the sun heat up,
and angel wings clump,
or did they fly off
to their fairyland?

now hanging above,
an ominous grey
to plunge
my unpleasant mood to
a deeper low.

Monday, December 6, 2010

breadtalk-X ducktour-X recruit express-? lucas-?

i set afoot with the sun beaming overhead, with my mood reflected high up in the sky
of the most pleasant shade of blue and clouds with their wide array of tutus
strutting the slow dance of life.
full of hope and feel of invincibility i
gait two steps as one, eager to reach, dying to please.

little did i know i was walking
straight to disappointment by my delusions.
"just 2 months?" they appalled
"what is worthy enough of you? nothing at all." they insinuate.

its all so diplomatic, thinking that i would thrive
on such false hope. 
"thank you very much". for showing me the true
 nature of myself.
2 months aren't enough
for me to be of any good use.

first time. second time. me. just another fellow.
i return with a trudge, defeated like the mood
of the grey
that cries raindrops.

i need my dubious change. it wasn't so
clear at first but now it is.
give it to me. not an escapade. not a betrayal,
just a goodbye brought earlier.

i'm still sorry.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

chasing the storm


it gotta take a superman to sweep me off my feet

"Somewhere after midnight, in my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I need a hero ... he got to be larger than life"

-- Holding Out For A Hero, Bonnie Tyler

oldies rock!! lol.

being average in my life

i feel like if i were to break down, nobody will care, a lot of time, too many times. i know i am probably wrong because if i were to break down, that is when everyone starts to care. just take a look at any wake, there are so many people. the deceased must be real popular when he/she is alive isn't it? when i can't even count up to 20 for my group of close friends.

i feel like i am lying in a coffin, stifled in pity and tears of others. i want to lay down the strong threshold of my soul, even if it just for a while. let the emotions flood through, so i could shriek hysterically in agony or rend in bereavement or giggling to tears. i want to do all those because it is exhausting from all those resistance.

when i look at others, it seems to me they need no guidance or whatsoever. true, they might not know what they want in life but they seems to have no qualms about living life like that, following the flow, easy does it. even the hardest moment isn't dark matter in the head. make no doubt, i'm talking about school. they could never go wrong with that isn't it? that's what i see.

people retorted, you know nothing about university life, all the failures and disappointment. exams, the ultimate source of the dispirited. it is a daunting event, years or months of study for that one shot, so as to have a distinct line cutting through the creme of the crop and the more average than average students. its their holy grail, being the best, staying up the top. afterall, there is no significant place on earth for the average. they didn't pay huge sum of money and be in debt to be average. most of them didn't but i did.

during primary school, i got a score barely qualified for special courses but opted for an average neighbourhood school. i went on to graduate from this school with 7 'A's but went over to polytechnic. (guess that what most people then see it as the lower option). average average.

during my poly life, i was not even close to the top 30%, let alone 10%. honestly i don't know where i stand among my cohort as we don't get to see our ranking, unlike in primary and secondary school. i was never out of the top 10% till i reach poly. mark my words, never. i was the brilliant student, better than the average but hovering under the top. still, i was never given the limelight, you could say i was just an average.

till poly, i couldn't be more average than i am ever was. throughout. i got no good result, no magnificent CCA records, no high rank held. i am your kind of more average than average poly students. however, being average doesn't grant me indemnity from those bout of worries, meeting deadlines, exams, class tests; thoughts about lunch, surviving a boring lesson, to play or to study during study week and what to eat during lecture. i nailed it down, not the way people want me to and still manage to have lotsa fun.

they all said poly is not even a prelude to university education, its hell and heaven. perhaps, a lot of them make a wake up call to be diligent. no more toying around unless good grades are secured. hopefully they know what they are doing in life and not just making the best out of the worst case scenarios. i can't argue if the student genuinely love what they are studying. i still seeing otherwise, thats why i still think education is a necessary un-necessity. oxymoron. thats education for you.

education is a good idea, all of us should be educated. i can't foresee where we will be without it; hollow souls and pipe dreams. the thing is, the curriculum and the whole concept about "holistic" education, it is bullshit. the educators polish our brain smooth to coat our belief that academic results are most essential to be successful. thats why we couldn't even take a bump.

look back and see how many things you should and want to know but the school didn't proffer. for me, i want to learn flute, drawing, creating a website, more about nature and many many more. you could argue that all these are taught in school but still, they don't come in a bundle in those conventional school.

so much for student life. for now, i am lingering at crossroad, not being decisive enough to cut off from my current situation so as to move towards a money making solution. maybe with higher level of education, i'll be able to make a more informed decision. thats what they think right? the higher the level of education, the more you should know.

so for the students out there burying their head in the sea of books till godforsaken time, i hope you know exactly what you are pursuing.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

approval for work permit

heavenly bliss crept up my cheeks and flood through the gatekeeper of tears. this is how simple things could make me blissful. perhaps not so simple, still this call for a celebration.

thunderstorm on the landscape of my heart

suffer through the thunder. the lightning strikes through. all you ask me to see but all i can see is naught. the downpour clouds even the strongest sight. lightning splits and thunder clashes, it reflects the turmoil in one's heart. stuck at the place of a bare shelter, with hope zooming past to outrun the storm. this is probably a cleansing to devote myself. if you may, pray for those on the roads to escape the perils. the lightning collides and the thunder rummages. through the many hearts that require this strong washdown.

i won't give myself up

people look at me with envy, "you know what you want, you have got what you wish for.' 

they thought it is easy for me, figuring out exactly what to do. they thought i am really lucky to be among the few who could pull it off, this kind of lifestyle, which everyone wish for. having a job you love, going traveling to where ever the world calls out. more often than not, i have to make really huge sacrifices in every aspect, something so essential they missed out. 

years ago, i am no different from anyone else. just wanted a high pay job, probably a corporate job, cubicle prisoner. this would satisfy everyone else, almost everyone else, all except for me. the change came when i was let in a glimpse of all these "prestigious" job, i learned, fell hard and learned the true value of my life. 

if i myself don't give myself a voice, nobody will. nobody can be bothered with it. i could be the plain jane the office mule and made no controversial choices. but the fact is, this is not me. a far-cry from what i want in life. 

i want to be proud of myself. i want to speak of my life with glories, not to impress. simply just to have no regrets. yes it is that simple. i want to believe life is full of possibility. i want to lead an enriching life. most importantly, i want to be myself, truly myself, over and over again. only this, would i be able to rejoice in my existence even if nobody else is going to celebrate it. 

i want to spread ecstasy like the sun, enveloping the surrounding with energy, the gentle and loving energy. in no way do i wish my lifestyle to burn away others. even though it is what that is happening to the other. my pursuit truly disgrace them. i am not remorseful, i did nothing wrong, rob no one and not touch a soul awry.

i want to love, like i know i am capable of. i want to embrace this world. i crave and yearn for the love that so belonging to me and yet eludes me now. i will give myself a chance even if the world denied for there is no greater sin than passing the death sentence during life to oneself. 

another chance, another belief, another love. this life, this is me.