i set afoot with the sun beaming overhead, with my mood reflected high up in the sky
of the most pleasant shade of blue and clouds with their wide array of tutus
strutting the slow dance of life.
full of hope and feel of invincibility i
gait two steps as one, eager to reach, dying to please.
little did i know i was walking
straight to disappointment by my delusions.
"just 2 months?" they appalled
"what is worthy enough of you? nothing at all." they insinuate.
its all so diplomatic, thinking that i would thrive
on such false hope.
"thank you very much". for showing me the true
nature of myself.
2 months aren't enough
for me to be of any good use.
first time. second time. me. just another fellow.
i return with a trudge, defeated like the mood
of the grey
that cries raindrops.
i need my dubious change. it wasn't so
clear at first but now it is.
give it to me. not an escapade. not a betrayal,
just a goodbye brought earlier.
i'm still sorry.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
it gotta take a superman to sweep me off my feet
"Somewhere after midnight, in my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet
I need a hero ... he got to be larger than life"
-- Holding Out For A Hero
, Bonnie Tyleroldies rock!! lol.
being average in my life
i feel like if i were to break down, nobody will care, a lot of time, too many times. i know i am probably wrong because if i were to break down, that is when everyone starts to care. just take a look at any wake, there are so many people. the deceased must be real popular when he/she is alive isn't it? when i can't even count up to 20 for my group of close friends.
i feel like i am lying in a coffin, stifled in pity and tears of others. i want to lay down the strong threshold of my soul, even if it just for a while. let the emotions flood through, so i could shriek hysterically in agony or rend in bereavement or giggling to tears. i want to do all those because it is exhausting from all those resistance.
when i look at others, it seems to me they need no guidance or whatsoever. true, they might not know what they want in life but they seems to have no qualms about living life like that, following the flow, easy does it. even the hardest moment isn't dark matter in the head. make no doubt, i'm talking about school. they could never go wrong with that isn't it? that's what i see.
people retorted, you know nothing about university life, all the failures and disappointment. exams, the ultimate source of the dispirited. it is a daunting event, years or months of study for that one shot, so as to have a distinct line cutting through the creme of the crop and the more average than average students. its their holy grail, being the best, staying up the top. afterall, there is no significant place on earth for the average. they didn't pay huge sum of money and be in debt to be average. most of them didn't but i did.
during primary school, i got a score barely qualified for special courses but opted for an average neighbourhood school. i went on to graduate from this school with 7 'A's but went over to polytechnic. (guess that what most people then see it as the lower option). average average.
during my poly life, i was not even close to the top 30%, let alone 10%. honestly i don't know where i stand among my cohort as we don't get to see our ranking, unlike in primary and secondary school. i was never out of the top 10% till i reach poly. mark my words, never. i was the brilliant student, better than the average but hovering under the top. still, i was never given the limelight, you could say i was just an average.
till poly, i couldn't be more average than i am ever was. throughout. i got no good result, no magnificent CCA records, no high rank held. i am your kind of more average than average poly students. however, being average doesn't grant me indemnity from those bout of worries, meeting deadlines, exams, class tests; thoughts about lunch, surviving a boring lesson, to play or to study during study week and what to eat during lecture. i nailed it down, not the way people want me to and still manage to have lotsa fun.
they all said poly is not even a prelude to university education, its hell and heaven. perhaps, a lot of them make a wake up call to be diligent. no more toying around unless good grades are secured. hopefully they know what they are doing in life and not just making the best out of the worst case scenarios. i can't argue if the student genuinely love what they are studying. i still seeing otherwise, thats why i still think education is a necessary un-necessity. oxymoron. thats education for you.
education is a good idea, all of us should be educated. i can't foresee where we will be without it; hollow souls and pipe dreams. the thing is, the curriculum and the whole concept about "holistic" education, it is bullshit. the educators polish our brain smooth to coat our belief that academic results are most essential to be successful. thats why we couldn't even take a bump.
look back and see how many things you should and want to know but the school didn't proffer. for me, i want to learn flute, drawing, creating a website, more about nature and many many more. you could argue that all these are taught in school but still, they don't come in a bundle in those conventional school.
so much for student life. for now, i am lingering at crossroad, not being decisive enough to cut off from my current situation so as to move towards a money making solution. maybe with higher level of education, i'll be able to make a more informed decision. thats what they think right? the higher the level of education, the more you should know.
so for the students out there burying their head in the sea of books till godforsaken time, i hope you know exactly what you are pursuing.
i feel like i am lying in a coffin, stifled in pity and tears of others. i want to lay down the strong threshold of my soul, even if it just for a while. let the emotions flood through, so i could shriek hysterically in agony or rend in bereavement or giggling to tears. i want to do all those because it is exhausting from all those resistance.
when i look at others, it seems to me they need no guidance or whatsoever. true, they might not know what they want in life but they seems to have no qualms about living life like that, following the flow, easy does it. even the hardest moment isn't dark matter in the head. make no doubt, i'm talking about school. they could never go wrong with that isn't it? that's what i see.
people retorted, you know nothing about university life, all the failures and disappointment. exams, the ultimate source of the dispirited. it is a daunting event, years or months of study for that one shot, so as to have a distinct line cutting through the creme of the crop and the more average than average students. its their holy grail, being the best, staying up the top. afterall, there is no significant place on earth for the average. they didn't pay huge sum of money and be in debt to be average. most of them didn't but i did.
during primary school, i got a score barely qualified for special courses but opted for an average neighbourhood school. i went on to graduate from this school with 7 'A's but went over to polytechnic. (guess that what most people then see it as the lower option). average average.
during my poly life, i was not even close to the top 30%, let alone 10%. honestly i don't know where i stand among my cohort as we don't get to see our ranking, unlike in primary and secondary school. i was never out of the top 10% till i reach poly. mark my words, never. i was the brilliant student, better than the average but hovering under the top. still, i was never given the limelight, you could say i was just an average.
till poly, i couldn't be more average than i am ever was. throughout. i got no good result, no magnificent CCA records, no high rank held. i am your kind of more average than average poly students. however, being average doesn't grant me indemnity from those bout of worries, meeting deadlines, exams, class tests; thoughts about lunch, surviving a boring lesson, to play or to study during study week and what to eat during lecture. i nailed it down, not the way people want me to and still manage to have lotsa fun.
they all said poly is not even a prelude to university education, its hell and heaven. perhaps, a lot of them make a wake up call to be diligent. no more toying around unless good grades are secured. hopefully they know what they are doing in life and not just making the best out of the worst case scenarios. i can't argue if the student genuinely love what they are studying. i still seeing otherwise, thats why i still think education is a necessary un-necessity. oxymoron. thats education for you.
education is a good idea, all of us should be educated. i can't foresee where we will be without it; hollow souls and pipe dreams. the thing is, the curriculum and the whole concept about "holistic" education, it is bullshit. the educators polish our brain smooth to coat our belief that academic results are most essential to be successful. thats why we couldn't even take a bump.
look back and see how many things you should and want to know but the school didn't proffer. for me, i want to learn flute, drawing, creating a website, more about nature and many many more. you could argue that all these are taught in school but still, they don't come in a bundle in those conventional school.
so much for student life. for now, i am lingering at crossroad, not being decisive enough to cut off from my current situation so as to move towards a money making solution. maybe with higher level of education, i'll be able to make a more informed decision. thats what they think right? the higher the level of education, the more you should know.
so for the students out there burying their head in the sea of books till godforsaken time, i hope you know exactly what you are pursuing.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
approval for work permit
heavenly bliss crept up my cheeks and flood through the gatekeeper of tears. this is how simple things could make me blissful. perhaps not so simple, still this call for a celebration.
thunderstorm on the landscape of my heart
suffer through the thunder. the lightning strikes through. all you ask me to see but all i can see is naught. the downpour clouds even the strongest sight. lightning splits and thunder clashes, it reflects the turmoil in one's heart. stuck at the place of a bare shelter, with hope zooming past to outrun the storm. this is probably a cleansing to devote myself. if you may, pray for those on the roads to escape the perils. the lightning collides and the thunder rummages. through the many hearts that require this strong washdown.
i won't give myself up
people look at me with envy, "you know what you want, you have got what you wish for.'
they thought it is easy for me, figuring out exactly what to do. they thought i am really lucky to be among the few who could pull it off, this kind of lifestyle, which everyone wish for. having a job you love, going traveling to where ever the world calls out. more often than not, i have to make really huge sacrifices in every aspect, something so essential they missed out.
years ago, i am no different from anyone else. just wanted a high pay job, probably a corporate job, cubicle prisoner. this would satisfy everyone else, almost everyone else, all except for me. the change came when i was let in a glimpse of all these "prestigious" job, i learned, fell hard and learned the true value of my life.
if i myself don't give myself a voice, nobody will. nobody can be bothered with it. i could be the plain jane the office mule and made no controversial choices. but the fact is, this is not me. a far-cry from what i want in life.
i want to be proud of myself. i want to speak of my life with glories, not to impress. simply just to have no regrets. yes it is that simple. i want to believe life is full of possibility. i want to lead an enriching life. most importantly, i want to be myself, truly myself, over and over again. only this, would i be able to rejoice in my existence even if nobody else is going to celebrate it.
i want to spread ecstasy like the sun, enveloping the surrounding with energy, the gentle and loving energy. in no way do i wish my lifestyle to burn away others. even though it is what that is happening to the other. my pursuit truly disgrace them. i am not remorseful, i did nothing wrong, rob no one and not touch a soul awry.
i want to love, like i know i am capable of. i want to embrace this world. i crave and yearn for the love that so belonging to me and yet eludes me now. i will give myself a chance even if the world denied for there is no greater sin than passing the death sentence during life to oneself.
another chance, another belief, another love. this life, this is me.
they thought it is easy for me, figuring out exactly what to do. they thought i am really lucky to be among the few who could pull it off, this kind of lifestyle, which everyone wish for. having a job you love, going traveling to where ever the world calls out. more often than not, i have to make really huge sacrifices in every aspect, something so essential they missed out.
years ago, i am no different from anyone else. just wanted a high pay job, probably a corporate job, cubicle prisoner. this would satisfy everyone else, almost everyone else, all except for me. the change came when i was let in a glimpse of all these "prestigious" job, i learned, fell hard and learned the true value of my life.
if i myself don't give myself a voice, nobody will. nobody can be bothered with it. i could be the plain jane the office mule and made no controversial choices. but the fact is, this is not me. a far-cry from what i want in life.
i want to be proud of myself. i want to speak of my life with glories, not to impress. simply just to have no regrets. yes it is that simple. i want to believe life is full of possibility. i want to lead an enriching life. most importantly, i want to be myself, truly myself, over and over again. only this, would i be able to rejoice in my existence even if nobody else is going to celebrate it.
i want to spread ecstasy like the sun, enveloping the surrounding with energy, the gentle and loving energy. in no way do i wish my lifestyle to burn away others. even though it is what that is happening to the other. my pursuit truly disgrace them. i am not remorseful, i did nothing wrong, rob no one and not touch a soul awry.
i want to love, like i know i am capable of. i want to embrace this world. i crave and yearn for the love that so belonging to me and yet eludes me now. i will give myself a chance even if the world denied for there is no greater sin than passing the death sentence during life to oneself.
another chance, another belief, another love. this life, this is me.
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