this is what i am made of

the world isn't flat. theres so many paths that one can take. off the beaten road or those streaming with cubiclelised zombie and of course there are still ppl out there who are passionate about their job.

[zombie: a mindless 9-to-5er. they set off from their "cave" early and leave the "battlefield" late. they have almost zero exposure to sunlight. they are only forced to step into the sunlight in order to move to their feeding ground when their need for the routine lunch arises. in order to minimise the damage inflicted by the sunlight and to find the best feeding spot, they bolted, scurried and raced with fellow zombies. (sgporeans are one with the fastest walking rate. congrats! we want first for most of the stuffs right? we are always hurrying off to everywhere but ending up in nowhere ultimately) and yes, like any other breed of zombies, they are the most active at night, "finishing off" somebody or getting themselves "finished". they find almost no thrill in life but succumb to their pathetic state]

so why limit ourselves to others restrictive mindset? u want to bind and strap me to those so-called lucrative achievements that i would nv be contented with? not so possible. its ok to be selfish and different for the sake of my dreams. if not tell me how do we come up with aircraft and electricity? its cause they ignore all those ridicules from those skeptics. its cause they know what they are after. its cause those ppl pursue their dreams relentlessly.

so why do we not dream? so why do we let others define whats good or not for us when we are the one truly aware of the answer? so why not start now?

journey

she supposed this is how it all ended, alone. no farewell, no well wishes, no hugs and no tearful faces on the platform. might just as well be the better ending to all of it. at least theres no lover to whisper a message that could only be everlasting in memory, no family member to promise to return to and no friend to exaggerate the sorrow of departure.

Settling down to the vacant window seat, she gazed at the serene village that rest at the foot of the mountain. from where she is sitting, she could see men carrying their tools, heading out to work, and women annoucing the start of the day through a whole list of chores. she could almost hear the whistling of the well-built man. the frivolous giggling of the young girls replayed in her mind. it was as if she had extended her stay in the village, like she never had left. or perhaps, she was never part of it, thats why, nothing changed and everything went on just like she was never there.

no, she reprimanded herself, shes not going to lose herself in the the village once more. instinctly, she tightened her grip around her battered suitcase and sunk deeper into the stiff seat whereby the worn leather was causing irritation to her exposed skin. it must have made her look paranoid and strung-up but at least the sense of touch pulled her mind back to where she was physically.

for what seemed to be eternity, the train finally chugged off from the station. the villagers continued with their routine lifestyle, she struggled to get past it. however when the train departed, she had moved on. now, she savoured the playful wind, the distant smell of an ocean and the transition of landscape. from that moment, she could see her life unfolding and her dreams taking shape gradually. though they are still vague but its no longer a total unknown. and this time, she promised herself that she sticks around long enough to see how things will pan out cause this moment is when it all truly begins.

hint

i want a haircut and a world map!!!
(:

newborn

i feeling so much better now!! frankly speaking, even i myself was amazed by how fast i climbed out of that pit of darkness. it happened so swiftly to the point that its kind of scary. guess its a gift, much like an ability, to move on without prolonged hesistation and despondency. from being inert just a few days ago (perhaps it started back from a few months in stages) to super reactive with explosive energy!! sadly, i still stuck at home because ppl keep telling me to stay at home! argh..i have to get a breather outside or i might end up talking to the wall! now thats absolutely creepy! lol. guess i scary no matter what huh..haha

now its down to serious stuffs..

have to take a very long timeoff from aikido. haiz.
initially thought of quitting due to the influence of family but heck!! even if they use a super strong water hose on the flame, it will stop, ultimately i will dry up and ignite the flame back..but right now i drenched and with a moist right armpit literally!! lol (ok i know its gross)

in life, unexpected things just keep popping up. some resent it but still theres no point of avoiding it. even a safe driver could get into accident if some ku ku ppl decided to do something stupid. think about it, do u really want to play it safe everytime?
u call this life?:
study, achieve academically, get a degree/master blah blah, find a good paying job though u may not enjoy it, store up lots of cash for retirement, get a family, start to worry if your kids play safe outside, retire at 62, and then hopefully start to relish every moment of life or be one to play chinese chess everyday. in the meanwhile praying that no accident or death fell upon u before u retire at 62. not to forget its essential to remain hopeful that yr children will support u after yr retirement. oh how hard is that right? with the advances of technology, people could now wire money. right, so right.
my point is live life like theres nothing to fall back on, live it the way u going to love it, live it so that u wont have to take 3 months to finish your last words (talking about regrets n wishlist)

in the end it will feel so much better to say, i am proud that i have done ___ even though i have to stop due to ___ instead of i wish i have tried ___ but i got no time.

once u onto sth, detailed plans on paper are good for wiping the backside when u run out of toilet papers. things will pan out and not according to those details!

rise from the flames

u ve been with me for a while n i have sth for u,

dont stare at me with those depressed eyes
dont spook me late at night with those silent whispers
dont get me all worked up and worn down with those recurring thoughts
dont feed on my guilt and then erode my conscience

yet i know u n i are one
we cuddled up in those restless night
and theres no escaping from u
who i see every morning through my very own reflection

u, mood swing, u can reside in my body but i will find a way to subdue u..

====================
painkillers are nonsense, they just make u numb. the pain never goes away cause it is the price to pay.

feed me with your dreams, i promise to be attentive(:

fractured soul

part of me just died
i hope i can heal like how the bone will be reconstructed
though it will never be as strong as it used to be and it might even turn out ugly

===================
i wish those tears were the from a lake instead of a river

UPDATE!!
just got a 1 wk mc. if u all care, this is the time to shower me with care, concern n love.lol

stomach going to be a drug heaven/: calcium tablets, sth to ease the swell, and sth to protect the gastric.

mask

why does a smile hurts so much?
since when have i lost the ability to laugh like a kid?
i always thought its easy to laugh innocently, straight from the heart

the naked truth is redundant now
its enough to learn that everybody is expendable and replaceable
therefore our purpose of existence is vague

so tell me why i should live life the way u want me to but that i dread

====================================
if you are the only sane in this crazy world, you would be the lunatic
so what are u if u are the only dreamer among those dreamless sleepers?