all she thinks about life

she says if she doesn't watch tv, what else can she do, wait for death?
the truth is, she is as good as dead with that set.

you found me. yes i found you!

OMG! new love!

thanks for everything,

cause its no cinderella and no prince at this ball. they are just dancing around and around in circles hoping for eternal till the magic broke. stripped off any fantasy, the missus ran away sobbing. how could she have reach this pathetic state again? over and over, she fell into this trench that they so obliviously laid for her. they never know how much it hurts. they couldn't be blame, they never know, then she, the one who knows, let it course towards the same pain. cause no matter how hard she fell each time, the wind always bring her up with whispers of the neverland, those of the fairies and those of the tales of courage. for her, its always hard to reject believing something so wonderful. why would she want to do otherwise, to believe that there's no miracles in life? bed of roses, they called it. little did they know, bed of roses - on the surface, everything seems perfect but the deeper you sink in, the more you will feel the thorns. but if she were to shun them all, her life would be plain, plain as the life of the housemaid cinderella when she lived under her stepsisters. probably thats what fairytales are for, to remind that wonderful and beyond the mind miracles could happen no matter how tough the situation is in that moment. so, she believes.


"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

-- In Memoriam:27, 1850, Alfred Lord Tennyson

torn inside out

dear you,

recently i've been feeling kind of wierd. have you ever felt like these? like you are going out of your body? like your body doesn't belong to you? like something is happening to you but all you could do is watch it like a bystander?

i have. sometimes, at the end of the day, when i was just travelling on bus, i hoped to dooze off but a wierd sensation took over. how could i describe it to you. it felt like i am dreaming while i'm awake. perhaps this is what they call another dimension? i don't know. i see images in my mind, images not within control. and these images are so vivid and so real that it kind of scares me. its as if this will happen to me. not that the content of the dream is bad but it doesn't negate that it is an unexplained phenomena. like i said, i felt awake throughout and time seems not able to penetrate throughout my trance. its like something or someone is trying to reach out to me. up to this point, does it give you the chills or do you just find me strange?

another thing i would like to confess, i have been so worn out recently. i could blink my eyes and swear that i see blackness for a micro-second even after i open my eyes. micro-second, is it humanly possible to feel that? maybe its exaggeration, it indeed feel very fast yet noticeable. i figured my body thought it could just shut down like that. maybe it needs a rest, maybe it wants a break but please my body, please don't break down. i still have a long way to go, we still have a journey to embark together, remember? i promise a break once we pull through this. yes, i know we felt so stuck but i will make a decision to break through. a change is what we all need.

and you know, i have been missing someone lately, so much so that i could have fallen in love with another instead. cause of that someone, it goes into a cycle of disappointment every time. i don't want it to be this way, has always been.

dear you, if you exist, please tell me what to do or at least explain to me what is happening.

rgds,
Schizophrenia, Bipolar

time. timeless.

they all say time is running out, it'll be too late for me to do anything like that. but tell me, what exactly is time. what value does time hold when we have woes of time instead of celebrating the flow of it. rejoice that we are opening our eyes to a brand new day of challenge, give no cheers to the bland state of conformity. be awed that we are reborn every single day and not be bereaved by the loss of yesterday. someone enlightened me, why is it i see so many people indulging in yesterday, fantasizing about tomorrow but not relishing the very day that existed. well i'm not saying its not good to learn from our history and have big dreams. in fact, i'm totally into it but too many people are neglecting the presence of now in exchange for those faraway moments. i meant both yesterday and tomorrow are non-existent, where do they stand in this very minute? too many times, we deflate this particular moment to inflate our past glories and future achievements. but when we don't live in present tense, we would never get what we want. however, say we do get what we want, we quickly relinquish their pleasure by upping the ante for the ransom of time. yes, we are no longer keepers of our own time, we are our very own time-kidnapper. paradoxically, we put our time away from us. yes. this is a crazy world. the one very thing we have in definite, we let it slipped away.

perhaps, we are all taught that we have to work hard for the things we wanted. thus time is a conflicting currency we don't even have to lift a finger to get. spend it generously, spend it wisely. i believe the adage, the best thing in life are free, so is the case for time that the universe dished out for everyone. imagine a world so rich that we don't have hard cash currency, instead wealth is calibrated by time. everyone will be living in abundance, there will be no poverty cause everyone's treasure is the gift of time.

so we have to learn to not be trapped in the loop of time, to not forget the meaning of life and to remember the power of living in the moment.

every single day

destination or journey?

result is all they care. like it doesn't matter if you don't learn anything, as long as you can pass well even if it means to get somebody else to do it for you. shit this world. shit this focus. this is one of the reason why i don't go mainstream. whats wrong with you people to think that the destination is more important than the journey. to me destination doesn't really matter. unless you intend to be a blind and hurried tourist trying to take in as much sights as possible. it doesn't matter if you take one month or a year in a place, its the experience that matters; not how much you remember yourself seeing but how much you actually feel and grow out of it.

there's too little care and too little love in this world. what was i hoping, not everyone's a mother theresa, not everyone wants a jane goodall. too many people chooses monetary reward (destination) over the reward of love (journey). skeptics skeptics, can't believe you can't have it both. even if i were to choose, the choice is clear isn't it. are you a destination person or a journey person?